Buffalo, NY—Judging from a slew of pictures populating his Facebook wall it appears that everyone’s favorite South Buffalonian, Jack Conrad is now a crazy cat lady. Gone from his page are any pleas to help him find his ass, which he lost St. Patrick’s Day weekend in 2018. There is no more support for Nathan Peterman, the former Bills QB who threw five interceptions, the first half of his first NFL start. There also is no talk about the way his asshole neighbor cuts his lawn or references to delivery people going to his side door rather than his back door. It’s just cats. Cutesy videos of cats, cats watching babies and pictures of his cats eating. And there’s some panda and dog videos as well. But mostly cats.
Some have speculated that this softening of Conrad is the result of months of Covid 19 restrictions where he has had little else to do besides interact with his pets and listen to his collection of sensitive Jackson Browne records. Co-workers at M.Purtill Plumbing have noted the change in Conrad, saying he’s started to come into work wearing prayer beads and earth shoes. He also burns scented candles at his desk and reads the Bhagaved Gita on his lunch. He has a kind word for everyone and now seems a little ashamed when he burps or farts in public.
This is not to say Conrad has completely gone over to the cat side. There are still some memes and complaints about Trump on his wall. He has also posited the theory that the president’s Covid 19 infection is a hoax. And on June16th he shed “tears of joy” with the limited re-opening of Abbott Texas Red Hots. If there’s anything to show the old fire still burns in Conrad, it’s his enduring love of fries and hot dogs soaked in meaty brown Texas muck.
When asked if his cats have changed him over the last several months, Conrad initially took a defensive posture, but quickly melted into “crazy cat lady ”mode, “I’m doing the community a favor. There’re all these assholes out there who love these cats when their kittens, but the second they get a urinary tract infection or rip up a couch with their claws they send them off to the SPCA. That’s where I found my fluffy boy, Reggie and my baby girl Mia and my widdle wascal, Binx. That widdle wascal Binx sleeps on my head and my fluffy boy cuddles up under my chin and my baby girl Mia always finds my crotch.”
After making these statements an uncomfortable, awkward silence followed before Conrad started to tell the story of how he got a hole-in-one on the seven-hole at Caz one Sunday afternoon and put $432.00 on his credit card buying beers for everyone.