Death Magazine Says “Vaping” Is The Lamest Way To Die


New York, NY—This week Death Magazine published its annual “Lamest Way To Die,” edition and topping this year’s list was vaping. With the introduction e-cigarettes in 2007, vaping has grown increasingly popular after being sold as a healthy alternative to tobacco. To vape, a person inhales and exhales e-juice through a battery charged cartridge producing an aerosol mist or vapor containing fine particles, which have been linked to cancer. While more testing needs to be done it seems apparent the active ingredients used to vape- propylene glycol or vegetable glycerin-based liquid with nicotine- are not as harmless as once thought.

In addition to health concerns, the act of vaping- inhaling e-juice through a pen attached to a battery charged tin box into your lungs and then exhaling a giant cloud of toxic mist makes you look like total asshole. Despite the long established cancer causing effects of tobacco at least you could look cool, and maybe even elegant, when you brought that long stick to your lips and pulled on it to slowly kill yourself.

But vaping has taken away any kind cool factor and is just lame. Imagine Brad Pitt in “Fight Club,” hitting a guitar shaped mod instead of an old fashioned smoke- ridiculous. Or, Audrey Hepburn raising a pod to her lips instead of a sleek cigarette holder- a goddamn sacrilege.

Concerned with the “it” factor the vaping industry has tried to entice celebrities from George Clooney to Kate McKinnon with hefty monetary incentives to be seen using their products, but so far have been unable to sign anyone of note. Only legendary money grubbers Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley of KI$$ have signed on with Go Go E-Juice and will be introducing a line of KI$$ vape products and accessories later in the year.   

The magazines other top contenders for “Lamest Way To Die,” included: Close association with fans of J.R.R Tolkien who drain your will to live by never shutting up about fucking Hobbits; School age children in the United States who are gunned down in mass shootings because the political system is owned by gun manufacturers; Being trapped in a prison cell with Donald Trump and and having your brain degenerate into nothingness after listening to him tell you over and over again how he is the greatest, most stable prisoner ever sent jail and how Spike and Axel from Cell Block Two let him grab’em by the pussy because he’s famous.    

About P.A. Kane

Writer and payer of tuition.

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