Seattle Wa.—MacKenzie Bezos recently reached a thirty-five billion dollar divorce settlement with her husband of twenty-five years, Amazon magnet Jeff Bezos. While the split was amicable—couched in gauzy terms like: loving exploration and conscious uncoupling, once the breakup was final MacKenzie Bezos announced she would never sleep with another big eared, bald dork again.
“I’m done with that shit,” the third richest woman in the world said. She then turned to an assistant and directed them to get Drake’s digits, saying “Young Money White Knight about to get himself a new boo- a new, rich as hell boo, and we’re going lay down some real rhymes. If he’s good maybe I’ll buy him a record company after breakfast or some other shit.”
Since the divorce was finalized, Ms.Bezos has also been linked to George Clooney, Chris Hemsley, Brad Pitt and others. An inside source said, “She keeps a gold plated tin of viagra on a night stand in a lavish bedroom she calls, The Smash Lab and goes through A-listers faster than Trump goes through Department Heads.”
After chatting up Tom Brady at a charity event Bezos was overheard telling the star quarterback’s wife- supermodel Gisele Bundchen: “You’re on notice. I’m about to steal him away from you- 1. Because I can and 2. I want to see for myself if he really is the GOAT- Greatest Of All Time. If he’s any good at all I might buy him a research lab where he can develop all those dumb supplements that he thinks will allow him to him play forever.”
Storming away Bezos called out to Bundchen: “Don’t go Gisele, I was just about to have one of my assistants get you Case Keenum or Brock Osweiler’s numbers. I hear they’re available.”
Later that night Bezos ran barefoot through the event parking lot drinking champagne and breaking windshields with a baseball bat while yelling: “I’m free. I’m free. No more dorks.”
An assistant was close behind depositing $10K checks beneath car windshield wipers to pay for damages.