Teens Involved In Dangerous Dry Humping Behaviors Missing

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Buffalo, NY—Officials at Erie County Medical Center announced today two Kaisertown teens involved in a dry humping accident are missing from the hospital’s burn unit. The teens were rushed to the hospital earlier this week with second and third degree burns after they spontaneously combusted while dry humping in corduroy pants. Hospital officials said they slipped out during a shift change and are likely together pursuing more dangerous dry humping-corduroy behaviors.

Hospital staff treating the teens noted they were desperate to be with each other and on several occasions during their three day stay in the burn unit were found in bed together writhing in excruciating pain and euphoria. Veteran Burn Specialist, Moxie Redglow said, “I’ve never seen anything quite like it. I found them in bed together in the throes of ecstacy peeling away each other’s charred skin. It was quite disturbing.”  

News of the dry humping accident spread quickly through social media and both Mercy Hospital and Buffalo General have admitted teens with suspected dry humping-corduroy burns in the past several days.

Western New York retailers and Amazon have noted an uptick in sales of corduroy products since news of the injured teens came to light.  

Some parents are calling for a ban on the material that can produce flames when two hormonally deranged teens apply the appropriate friction. Other parents are asking their teens avoid this dangerous practice by just having plain old sex. The parents of two Kenmore teens missing since yesterday—after they scooped up the Prime packages on their front porches—have pleaded on social media that their missing kids just give each other handies and blowies and intercourse if they must, so long as they don’t engage in the dangerous dry humping behavior.

While area leaders and school districts are scrambling to formulate a response to these dangerous behaviors the Catholic Diocese of Buffalo had a different response. In a statement released to the press the Diocese said:

To be sanctioned by God, all forms of sexual relations are to occur between man and woman bound together in marriage and primarily for purposes procreation. To engage in sexual relations outside these parameters is a sin of great magnitude. Therefore, the Diocese  finds the burnt, charred skin of these sinful dry humping little rat bastards to be an appropriate consequence for their horrific actions and a prelude to the afterlife. Furthermore, all school uniforms throughout the Diocese will henceforth be constructed of one-hundred percent corduroy as a fiery reminder of what a awaits all these miserable little bastards who persist in unholy dry humping behaviors.

Area leaders said the response of the church was not helpful as they try get a handle on this growing crisis.                   

About P.A. Kane

Writer and payer of tution.

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