By David P. Zach
Buffalo, NY—Hello. I’m David P. Zach. You may know me as the writer of the funny sections of this blog, but I’m much more than that: an entrepreneur, a dingo-enthusiast, a former cult leader. But today I want to talk to you about what I hold dearest to me.
D.A.M. – Dave’s Asbestos Miracletm
Nobody likes aging. And it’s especially hard for men. The thought that every woman out there no longer desperately desires us can be absolutely crippling to our feeling of self-worth. While I can’t help with that bulging belly or flimsy phallus, I CAN give you something that’ll make you feel eighteen again: a full head of natural, normal-looking, lustrous hair. Even your barber won’t know your secret!* Plus, D.A.M.tm comes with a money-back-guarantee; if anyone figures out what the 411 is goin on up there, we’ll refund your payment.**
D.A.M.tm is used by everyday joes and Hollywood megastars alike. That stud-muffin in the next cubicle? He’s wearing it. That actor cracking skulls and breaking hearts on the big screen ? He’s wearing it. Heck, even your dad is wearing it!***
Now, I’d like to take a moment to address the GOP elephant in the room: Stephen Miller. Yes, Stephen is a long-time customer, and normally D.A.M.tm makes him look fantastic. But this past weekend, someone at the make-up desk (inside one of the FAKE NEWS networks, I might add) played a cruel joke on him. This resulted in a look that was less than optimal but also incredibly rare (see pictures right).
And on a personal note, I find Mr. P A Kane’s superficial attack on Stephen to be shameful and pathetic. Who is P A Kane to mock others? Is he Adonis? Is he Fabio? Is he Gerard Depardieu? I think not. (And do I really need to point out the obvious implication of a man who covers his head in a frilly French hat as opposed to manly American Asbestos?) This attack was as ludicrous and unhinged as the idea of, I don’t know, an obese orange clown sporting a malformed mushroom who calls people fat.
In summary, know that – like Cher said – you can indeed turn back time. And you can trust me. Because when it comes to Dave’s Asbestos Miracle, I’m not just the president; I’m a member.
* – your barber will know.
** – not valid in NY, PA and Fargo.
*** – your dad is not wearing it, but he is still disappointed in you.