Washington D.C.—This past weekend Senior Advisor to the President, Stephen Miller, the architect of the draconian Trump immigration policy, which bans Muslims and cages children showed up for a sit down on CBS’s, Face The Nation with a new crop of asbestos like hair. Despite the new look Miller remains the least fuckable man in America.
Formerly ensconced with a forehead, the size of his native, golden state, California and a sense of style derived from Newt Gingrich’s favorite outfitter: Suits To Score A Third Gold Digger (Rudy Giuliani shops here too) Miller has always received low grades in the appearance category. To improve his look he has toyed with the idea of shaving his head which has produced good results for many follicly challenged men. However when he floated the idea to his dark wizard friends of the right they instantly could see the obvious Lord Voldemort comparisons that would follow, which would not be helpful to the President. Instead they encouraged him to try the asbestos upgrade. While there would inevitably be analogies to Nazi propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels, low information Trump supporters with no sense of history would most likely mistake him for Gollum or Gandalf from Lord of the Rings which they really don’t know shit about either.
Not only does Miller’s appearance make him unfuckable, he is not a good earner either. Means tested for Washington D.C. his $180,000 salary is modest at best and the million-dollar condo he lives in was purchased by his parents—yes, it’s another heartwarming, republican, mommy and daddy buy you a condo pull yourself up by your bootstraps story. Unfortunately, it also leads to no one ever wanting to fuck you.
And, since no one is fucking him there seems to be some question if he is even functional. There is anecdotal information that after haranguing Jake Tapper and Chuck Todd on TV, leaving their respective studios Miller seemed to achieve a modest level of arousal—a pup tent the size of a mushroom head, indicating he might not be a total loser in that area.
Personality is where Miller receives his lowest scores. He is known to have tremendous self-confidence, however it is in service of being a total asshole. First, there is the run for student government in high school on an anti-janitor plank: “Am I the only one,” he asked, “who is sick and tired of being told to pick up my trash when we have plenty of janitors who are paid to do it for us?” There is also the story of middle school classmate Jason Ishlas who Miller stopped being friends with because Ishlas is Hispanic. And, finally to solidify his standing as a world class asshole, Miller’s BFF at Duke University was white nationalist, neo-Nazi Richard Spencer. Imagine those white sheeted raves.
Rather than pointlessly ask normal well adjusted women about the possibility of intimacy with Miller, like-minded colleagues were queried instead. Noted puppy killer Cruella Devil was hard, NO. Audible shrieking could be heard emanating from the gravesite of Eva Braun when presented with the question of being with Miller. NRA, spokesperson, Dana Loesch thought about it for a moment, rolled her eyes and said, “I’m dark, but not that dark.” Only FOX News host Laura Ingraham found the idea of intimacy with Miller feasible. Rubbing her icy fingers together she said, “That kid’s got spunk. I’d do a little reach around, hand release with him, but that’s it. If tries to kiss me, I’m out.”
Miller takes the reigns as least fuckable man in America from his drug addled pumpkin headed mentor, Rush Limbaugh.