Hillary Clinton Turns Herself In At Brooklyn Jail

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Brooklyn, NY—With a yoga mat, some scented candles, the complete works of Joan Didion and an iPod loaded with Nino Rota soundtracks, former First Lady and Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton turned herself in at the Metropolitan Detention Center in Brooklyn, New York.

“Fuck it,” said a supremely annoyed Clinton. “Charge me with Fusion GPS, Benghazi or with whatever fake fucking thing you want, I’m going to light some candles, do some downward dog, read some JD and chill with Nino, and all of you can kiss my pants suit wearing ass.”

Then, with both arms extended Secretary Clinton flipped off the crowd of assembled media for a full three minutes.

President Trump and Conservative Media initially hailed the move, but since have been uncharacteristically quiet.

Trump tweeted: “Hillary in jail. As promised, Trump, Making America Great Again…”

But since then the Twitter machine has been virtually silent except for a few pop culture observations:

“The Olsen twins would not have helped Fuller House. Total disaster.”

“KFC has the best coal slaw. Delicious!”

“I can tell you this, I won’t disappoint America the way the Great Pumpkin disappointed Linus. Believe me.”

After gleefully reporting the news of Secretary Clinton turning herself in Fox & Friends hosts,  Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade sat spellbound through several days of Ainsley Earhardt explaining how she maintains that fresh paper doll look and how she was, then wasn’t, then was again Spartanburg High’s 1995 Homecoming Queen.    

Sharing the Clinton news and becoming aroused as if they were bingeing 1930’s Leni Riefenstahl films, the trolls at Breitbart News quickly returned to their traditional programing: stoking fear about razor blades in your kid’s Halloween candy, the potential of evil clowns lurking on the edges of small towns and how the Obama Administration put chemicals in rivers and streams in an effort to turn all the fish gay.      

Rush Limbaugh was reduced to pounding his desk and crumpling papers while filling out the week with segments on the patchiness of Bo Sneredly’s facial hair and his questionable eye wear choices. He also conducted a Twitter poll and took calls on whether Snerdley looked sexier in one of those stupid urban cowboy hats or a Kangol.  

Only brylcreem model Sean Hannity remained engaged, interviewing the third cousin of a former  maintenance worker at the Brooklyn jail, whose sources confirmed that Clinton was receiving free smokes from the commissary and was getting an extra portion of pudding on a nightly basis.

While Conservative media continues to find its footing Secretary Clinton is said to be relaxed and well rested and is writing poetry inspired by Nino Roto.  

About P.A. Kane

Writer and payer of tuition.

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