United States, America—An internal audit of white supremacist’s groups found nothing exceptional about the movement or its members. Fearful of the growing popularity of the “Black Lives Matter” movement, the audit was initiated to uncover positive, overlooked aspects of such groups that would bolster their image. But, the audit instead found a serious downward trend in the popularity of the movement and its members. Hate group members were also found to be plagued by insecurity, body image issues and cognitive deficits, leading to the inevitable conclusion there is nothing supreme about white supremacists groups. 

Adolph Gobbelgoring, acting Fuehrer of the Kentucky League of Aryan Protectors (KLAP) found the audit to be troubling. “With the election of Donald Trump we thought the movement would really take off. And, it did in a lot of ways. We had a big show in Charlottesville, a couple of hundred tiki torches strong and the President deeming us “good people.” But then that asshole, ran over Heather Heyer and killed her. It’s this kind of lack of discipline that always sets us back. Same with this Umbrella Man in Minneapolis from the Aryan Cowboys. Minneapolis was all set to blow up on its own, but those inbred Cowboys went and fucked it up. In the best of times we’re a hard sell. This is a PR nightmare for us.” 

One of the surprising findings of the audit was people who are attracted to such movements do so not because they feel superior to anybody, but rather out of insecurity. Those who join hate groups typically have few friends or intimate relationships. Coupled with poor media literacy they are susceptible to messages of these hate groups. 

Clem Himmlerhausen, chief recruiter at KLAP, said, “Well, I wasn’t really surprised by what the audit found. I mean, it’s not like these dumb fuckers can make up for their small penises or being as smart as a bag of hammers like some middle management asshole who can go and buy a candyapple red Mustang and drive around listening to Coldplay like they’re cool or something. Those options are not available to our members. All our members have in their pathetic lives is a giant reserve of white grievance and a bounty minorities to apply it to.”

Himmlerhausen also said even with all these minority dogs to kick around, some have trouble fully committing. “They look in the mirror and what they see back might leave them feeling disillusioned. Like they’re a bunch of fucktards that aren’t better than anybody. So, if we want this movement to go forward, we have to help these assholes push past these ambivalent feelings and tap into white pride and white grievance. With the assistance of hate mongers like Sean Hannity and Tucker Carlson we can accomplish those goals—did you hear Tucker call that chink who lost her legs in Iraq, Tammy Duckworth, a moron? Now, that’s some great stuff.”

Both Gobbelgoring and Himmlerhausen agreed, even if Donald Trump doesn’t win reelection, it’s this kind of hate, and Biden’s black female vice-presidential pick, that will not only sustain the white supremacist movement, but truly make it supreme.  

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Washington, D.C.—Monday morning the world was stunned to learn Trump Senior Advisor and White Supremacist, Stephen Miller found an actual woman to marry him.

Prior to the marriage, Miller’s new wife, Katie Waldman, was subject to intensive DNA screenings to insure she was not compromised by any filthy Latino or Muslim blood. The screenings also revealed Waldman to be a real live human being with the self-hating Eva Braun gene.

Known for his hard line stands on immigration and as the architect of the Trump administration’s zero-tolerance family separation policy Miller, in a survey conducted by Buffalo Mud, was widely considered the least fucakable man in Washington. Only the frosty Laura Ingraham of FOX News agreed to give Miller a reach around and that was under protest.

Even With New Asbestos Hair Stephen Miller Is The Least Fuckable Man In Washington

But in Waldman, who is Vice President Mike Pence’s press secretary, Miller seems to have found a soul mate. She is known to defend the harshest of Trump’s immigration policies and is well versed in the administration’s policies of alternative facts.

As a former aide at The Department of Homeland Security she jumped on election year scare tactics in 2018 regarding caravans headed toward the U.S. border telling FOX News: “This caravan is being put together by NGOs and others mainly for media attention. I mean as I just said we’re seeing caravan buses every day at the border. You know we’ve heard reports of these folks getting on buses and then getting off and walking for the cameras. You know they are getting a ton of media attention.” 

In 2019 she told CNN: “Asylum seekers are a “violent mob of migrants” that were threatening agents and the border.” 

An anonymous source said that Waldman was indeed human and every bit as scary as Miller, it’s just she hasn’t been on the big stage . . . yet.

The wedding took place at the Trump Hotel in Washington and was attended by the President. The only attendee of note who was not too embarrassed to admit being at the event was former Trump Chief-of-Staff and nervous waterbed salesman, Reince Priebus who posted this pic on Twitter:

Upon learning that Miller and Waldman couldn’t book a honeymoon out of fear that mostly brown resort staff members would rise up against the White Supremacist Power Couple, a contingent of Green New Dealers, including Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, Bernie Sanders and Leo DiCaprio, pooled their money to send the newlyweds to Antarctica. 

These activists are hoping the icy copulation between Miller and Waldman would result in circumstances strong enough to recreate the continent’s diminishing ice shelf and thus reverse some of the dire effects of climate change.   

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