Despite some inelegant phrasing Lemonlight was moved by Yeouh’s acceptance speech for her role in the movie “Everything Everywhere All At Once,” where she told older women: “And, ladies, don’t ever let anyone tell you you are ever past your prime. Never give up!”  

“Yeah,” Lemonlight said. “I let life get away from me. But in my defense, my dad was constantly into the Black Velvet and yelling about shoes in the hallway, screen doors being left open and all kinds of other nonsense. And nothing was ever good enough for my mom—from the way I folded towels to how I chewed my Cheerios. I had to get out of there and most of the time that meant going to the park and having wine and all those delicious Amherst middle-school boys.

Then, all of the sudden, I wake up and I’m graduating high school and taking a job in the mailroom at Delaware North.”

Since she doesn’t have the bone structure of a model and is a little bigger than Yeouh’s size zero, Lemonlight doesn’t think being an actress is plausible. She also isn’t waiting for Prince William to suddenly sack Kate Middleton, but it’s not out of the realm of possibility that she could move from Accounts Receivable to Accounts Payable. “In receivables you have to be kind of an ass kisser, thanking everyone for their remittance and telling them to have a great day. But in payables it’s a different story. You can rip people a new one, complain about their bullshit services and tell them they’ll get their payments when they get them.”

Lemonlight thinks such a change could lead to her being more focused and help her to achieve some new goals. “Who knows where this could go. My friend Renee just became an assistant manager at Transit Lanes and she’s a total badass. She does everything from organizing the senior citizen leagues, to prepping for kids birthday parties to throwing the occasional drunk out into the parking lot—I could so see myself in that kind of role.”

She’ll also get a chance to achieve another goal this summer when the Amherst High School class of 1983 has its 40th reunion. Besides having fun tossing back a few White Claws—Boone’s Farms big brother—and talking to old friends she hopes to find her old make out pal Sully and show him just how far she’s come since those Dellwood Park days. Sully is a FedEx Operations Manager, he has a 401K and five weeks—yes five weeks—of vacation. 

Till then Lemonlight is checking the job postings at Delaware North daily for a spot in Accounts Payables or some other position. 

The post Inspired By Oscar Winner Local Woman Intends To Stop Half-Assing Life appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Buffalo, NY—This week a slew of would-be, wok-place comedians got the shit slapped out of them by newly empowered bald guys after Will Smith assaulted Chris Rock at the Oscars on Sunday night. Before Smith’s aggressive actions follicly challenged men saw themselves as ugly, unlovable assholes. Little did they know, they were suffering from an autoimmune disorder called alopecia.

Many of the men mentioned the negative self-image and lack of confidence they quietly endured as a result of their hair loss autoimmune disorder. They noted how they had been endlessly ridiculed and humiliated. How they had been shunned by women and overlooked for promotions because of their hairless, meaty domes. But, that all ended this week. 

We Hurt Too: # Bald Lives Matter

Von Stubenshine, an Account Executive with Bacon Solutions Inc. in Kenmore said he felt ten feet taller, especially when he smacked Lenny, his stupid co-worker from three cubes over, after he asked Von for the millionth time if he could borrow his comb. “It felt really good,” said Stubenshine. “Time seemed to stand still as the spit flew from Lenny’s mouth after I smacked him. It was like a slow motion replay on TV. I could see that thick, clear fluid rotate through the air before it went splat on this month’s sales reports.”

Cheektowaga Professional bowler Tony Fezilwax, related that he had been bald since freshman year of high school and asked rhetorically, “Do you know what it’s like to ask a girl if they want to study for Friday’s Algebra quiz, but she can’t answer because she’s so entranced by the specter of your Texas sized forehead? Do you know that fucking humiliation?” Fezilwax said as a result of watching the Oscars he put hands on three random people this week when they stared at his Uncle Fester like head for an undue amount of time and — “It felt so fucking good.”   He thanked Will and Jada Pinkett Smith for making him aware of his condition and how to respond to it.

For years salespeople at Uptown Mattress in Black Rock would rub warehouse manager Finn Foilfrock’s bald skull and ask if they would meet their monthly sales goals, like his head was some kind of magic eight-ball. Finn mostly laughed it off, but secretly it annoyed the shit out of him. And Monday, after viewing the Oscars he came into work and put his open hand to the jaw of twenty salespeople telling them— “Magic eight-ball predicts pain.”

Later, in front of the company’s Human Resources rep an emotional Foilfrock broke into an inspired biblical rant, “I’m being called on to love people and to protect people and to be a river for my bald brothers and sisters suffering from alopecia. No more will we take this shit from the quaffed and slicked back. My people will stand, fight and slap the shit out of these would-be work-place comedians from this day forward.”

Reports show an upward trend throughout Western New York of jokesters getting the shit slapped out of them by pergo headed people. Local officials are monitoring the situation closely.

The post Will Smith’s Assault Prompts Area Bald Men To Slap The Shit Out Of Would Be Comedians appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Buffalo, New York—After learning Oscar winner, Gary Oldman (The Darkest Hour) was previously married to Uma Thurman for two years, local author P.A. Kane (Written In The Stars: The Book Of Molly) thinks he might have a shot with the Kill Bill, actress.

“Why not,” Kane said, “there’s still some zip left in my fast ball and it occasionally hits the strike zone.  And, if the lovely Ms. Thurman  would be with the bloated crank from The Darkest Hour, I don’t see why she wouldn’t take a shot on me. I’m half as bloated as that guy and I have good teeth.”

Kane also noted that he was a kind and gentle lover and as the 1.6 millionth ranked author on Amazon the potential for personal growth with him was nearly unlimited. “There’s not much going on besides money and stability with these Hollywood superheros, ” Kane said. “It’s all beemers, silk sheets and fabulous parties. But when you have to scratch and claw for your existence, that’s when you know you’re alive, that’s when you’re having fun. Think how good Uma would look cruising with me in my 2008 Dodge Dakota on our way to Denny’s for a Grand Slam?”

Citing the recent Maureen Dowd article in the New York Times, where Thurman bravely recalled the sexual abuse and blackballing she endured at the hands of disgraced and soon to indicted movie mogel, Harvey Weinstein, Kane said that would never would be a problem for her again. “I would worship her and being a South Buffalo native, everybody knows you raise an eyebrow in our direction, even slightly, you can expect whatever teeth you have left Gary Oldman, to be removed from your fucking skull. That’s how we roll here.”

Rhetorically, Kane then asked, “Did you ever meet anyone named Gary that wasn’t an asshole?”

Asked whether this would mean an end to his twenty-five year marriage Kane indicated that he still loves his wife and wants to be with her, but a break would do both of them good. “I mean, how many stories can a person endure about someone’s impulsive work friend Renee?” he asked sticking to the rhetorical questions. “She’s plenty sick of me too,” he continued. “She’s sick of my dishes in the sink, my poopy boxers and gets annoyed when I don’t care what Mika  just said on Morning Joe.  I think she would like to give someone else a try too, someone like Michael B. Jordan, who played Erik Killmonger in the Black Panther movie. She downplays it, but I know she’s crushing on him because in the movie she wanted him to win the challenge and remain the Black Panther and then have him come over here from Wakanda and kick some serious ass on the NRA, Donald Trump and the Koch brothers.”

Asked what he would do if his overtures to Ms. Thurman were rejected, Kane thought for a moment and said, “I’d pursue Hillary Clinton’s aide. Huma Abedin. I like her too. Whether Uma or Huma, there’s lots of women out there with those kinds of names that would do well with a guy like me.”

Neither, Uma Thurman or Huma Abedin returned calls for comment.        

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