We Hurt Too: # Bald Lives Matter



Orchard Park, NY—There’s a website growing in acclaim, a blossoming writing career, solid families headed by smart, beautiful women, big jobs, vacation homes in Florida, Beemers with Coldplay songs wafting out into the atmosphere from Bose speakers.Yet, for all this success, the  follically-challenged Kane brothers still hurt.

For years they heard the names: Skullet, Ass Head, Mr. Clean and Kojak, among others. Some tried to mollify the pain with comforting words, which was appreciated, but too often it would devolve into Sean Connery and Telly Savalas are hot sanctimony, which was hard to take. Maybe in the lunch clubs in London or Greek bingo halls, but if Connery and Kojak were in their mid-twenties with a domes like that and tried to talk to the beautiful girls drinking OV Splits at Mulligan’s Brick Bar in 1985, they would look at them with big eyes, then go back over to their friends,  point and laugh derisively at them just like they did to the Kane boys.

Contrary to popular opinion this kind of overt rejection did not build character or stiffen anyone’s resolve. It was crushing and led to lonely nights, considerable self-loathing and the purchase of many, many baseball caps. And, no, mistakenly getting the senior discount at Tim Horton’s since their early thirties doesn’t make up for it. And, it’s never funny when they’re out for a walk and random Meals on Wheels drivers pull over and try to give them a peanut butter sandwiches with an Ensure chaser. It’s hurtful.

Also, people are mistaken thinking they have an affinity for other bald guys. They constantly have the famous Die Hard line: Yippee Ki Yay Motherfucker, repeated back to them by noted chrome domer Bruce Willis or in a dumb British accent people will repeat the unique way Captain Jean-Luc Picard from Star Trek: The Next Generation gave his blessing to a proposed action: Make it so. The only thing they want to make so is for people to stop with all their dumbass preconceptions.

Most disturbing is people don’t really see them at all. To onlookers they are just a mass of blotchy pink skin, like indistinguishable erasers on the tops of pencils. Nobody sees they are kind and sensitive. Nobody knows how they like holding hands and going for walks on dewy mornings. Nobody knows how they love puppies or how Ziggy (another bald guy) makes them smile Nobody sees the little boys with flowing locks that still are very much alive in them. And, that what hurts the most, nobody really sees them.

Despite the ever present pain, with the passage of time and their real world successes, the brothers have become more philosophical about their shiny ice caps, maintaining that it’s not that hard to have a certain level of confidence with a full head of hair, but a confident bald guy, now that’s a guy to watch.





About P.A. Kane

Writer and payer of tuition.

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