Though Dave was good to their sister, he somewhat resembled the human form of a Twizzler—thin and twisty with blotchy red skin from long-term psoriasis. Originally from Queens, Dave was the Northeast regional manager for Famous Footwear and made a decent living. The brothers accepted Dave into the family, conditioned on the premise that any progeny, without exception, would be raised as a Bills fan. Offspring could be a Mets, Knicks, and given the continuing futility of the Sabres, even a Rangers fan, but never, ever a goddamn Jets fan.

After a six-hour drive from Western New York along the 390S and 17E, the brothers rumbled into their sister’s living room, where wiffley Dave, Phoebe, and their three-year-old nephew Parker sat in front of the TV being further corrupted by Bluey. After grimicing a hello to Dave and Phoebe, the uncles picked Parker up and tossed him in the air between them like a water balloon at a family picnic while repeating the closing hymn to Josh Allen’s MVP speech, much to his delight:

When that ran its course, Phoebe removed Parker from the room and the brothers closed ranks on Dave. They reminded him of the agreement he had made before marrying their sister. While Dave acknowledged the agreement, he argued it would be better for Parker’s socialization if he were a Jets fan—he would make more friends and fit in better with his peers.

Flanked by his brothers, Uncle Paul stood before Dave,  “That’s what you want for your son—to be a follower? You want him to sit through that ridiculous third-down call by the Jets announcer, only to have Josh Allen rip his heart out over and over? You want his superfan experience provided by that sad sack, Fireman Ed—thank you for your service—or do you want him to feel the hope and joy of Elvis, The Chefs, and Captain Dave’s, Hit The Showers? Do you want him to have the fun of breaking tables, throwing dildos on the field, drinking shots from a bowling ball? Or do you want him to look back sixty years to your one shining moment—that lucky Super Bowl win with George Sauer, Emerson Boozer and Joe Namath? And, if you didn’t know, Namath was a career fifty percent passer with 220 interceptions and only 173 touchdowns. You’ve had six coaches in the last ten years and the most memorable play in that time is a butt fumble.
Dave, the Jets suck. It’s the worst organizations in the NFL. If you love your son, you won’t do this to him.”

Dave stood there weighing his options and, after a moment, started to cry, “I do love my son. I just…I just wanted someone to share my pain.”

Uncle Peter ran out to the Silverado, and a minute later was back with two #17 jerseys—one for Parker, and one for Dave (a boys’ medium). Once Dave had the jersey on, the brothers embraced him and said, “Welcome to the Mafia.”  

Uncle Patrick then went to the nearest Home Depot and bought out all the folding tables they had in stock, and the family spent the rest of the night doing shots, breaking tables, and teaching Parker sacred Mafia words:

Hey-ayyyyyyy-ayyyyyyyy-ayy! (Hey-ayyyyyyy-ayyyyyyyy-ayy!)  Let’s Go Buffalo!!!

Driving home the next day, Uncle Paul gazed out at the horizon and peacefully crooned, “We saved two lost souls last night,” and just as peacefully, the brothers nodded in agreement.

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High-speed computing also has applications to this weekend’s NFL draft, and Santiago Sorrendemo, a mailroom clerk at the plaza location of M&T Bank, is annoying the shit out of his coworkers with his mock drafts. Santiago is a math major at UB and has run hundreds of mocks on the NFL Mock Draft Simulator for this weekend’s event in Green Bay. Usually, he’s friendly and efficient, but in the period between free agency and the draft, he’s become a hairy, rank taco box. Opinionated, argumentative, and totally exasperating.

John Jameriquai, a Commercial Credit Underwriter, secured a paid internship for Santiago this summer, but wishes he could rescind the offer. Jameriquai recounted a recent exchange with Santiago, who asked what he thought the Bills should do with their first pick. 

Jameriquai responded that all the playoff losses to the Chiefs seem to result from the Bills inability to hit or get Patrick Mahomes on the ground. The teams that did, the Eagles this past year and the Bucs in 2021, won the Super Bowl. So I said, “We need to go D-line—either Kenneth Grant from Michigan, or that guy Greg Cosell  called his favorite defensive lineman in the draft, Walter Nolen from Ole Miss.

According to Jameriquai, after rolling his eyes, Santiago pulled out his phone and completed four first-round drafts in two minutes. That’s great, I guess,” he said. “But both are never there when the Bills pick at 30.” He pointed to his phone, “Look, Nolen at 21 to the Steelers, Grant at 26 to the Rams.” He tapped his phone again. “Grant 21 to the Steelers, Nolen 26 to the Rams.” Again, he tapped his phone. “Nolen 15 to the Falcons, Grant 22 to the Chargers.” He tap his phone one final time, and again: “Nolen 14 to the Colts, and Grant 15 to the Falcons. “See,” he said, “the value at 30 is at DB, like Malaiki Starks from Georgia or Trey Amos from Mississippi.”

Jameriquai then suggested the Bills move up a few spots, and Santiago made a guttural sound, slammed his interoffice memos on his desk, and said, “Dumbass.”

Knowing that banking services analyst Lucy Leathertip was a Bills fan, Santiago casually asked her thoughts about the draft as he dropped mail on her desk. She said, “I don’t know, maybe more pass catchers for Josh.”
“Pass catchers for Josh?” Santiago said, raising his voice. “The Bills scored thirty points a game last year. Allen is the reigning MVP, and the everybody-eats philosophy has been enhanced with Josh Palmer. Curtis Sammauel and Keon Coleman are beefed up and healthy, and Khalil Shakir got paid. More pass catchers for Josh? Are you sure you’re a Bills fan? Jeeze.”

As he walked away, Leathertip, sat at her desk, and in a barely audible voice to no one in particular said, “And to think, I was going to fuck that kid.”  

Other coworkers had thoughts on Santiago’s mock behavior as well:

Immediate supervisor Constantine Crummler said, “At first I thought he had like a porn thing going on, because he’s on his phone all the time. I looked into getting him some help, but then I found out he was just mock drafting, and I was like— WHAT? I could respect the porn thing, but mock drafting? What a fucking loser.”

Mailroom coworker Peter Plutternut said, “I don’t really care about the draft. I only watch to see the shitty picks the Jets and Dolphins make. It’s great hearing their fans boo the picks.”

Systems Analyst (and virgin) Frankie “Blue Shoes” Fianisi guffawed, “Santiago is a chump. A rank amateur. You can take this draft to da bank.” He then pulled out the handwritten, detailed two-round draft pictured below.    

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Bergen stepped through the North Gate at the course with his clubs, cart, and his spiffy new Aussie hat. As he joked with Freddie Couples while completing his warmup routine near the first hole, the starter asked who he was and what he was doing there. Bergen showed him his “practice pass,” smiled, and said he had been striking the ball really well all winter, and was looking forward to playing his first round at Augusta, and giving Freddie a run for his money. 

The starter quietly contacted security before informing Bergen that the “practice round” pass entitled him to view the practice round of those participating in the tournament, not play a practice round. 

Bergen instantly became indignant, saying the pass said nothing about viewing, and demanded he be allowed to play his round. Not only that, he wanted to be in a group with Scottie Schlffler, but it wouldn’t be a deal-breaker if that weren’t possible. He said he would play with Freddie Couples, who was still close by, or anyone else—even one of those shitty LIV players, like Sergio Garcia or Bubba Watson.

Augusta Security took a measured approach with Bergen, telling him that he seemed like a nice fellow who just made a little mistake, and it would be bad for everyone if they had to cuff him and take him to jail. Bergen slumped his shoulders and said, “But I drove all night and practiced all winter. I bought two dozen Top-Flites and this cool hat.” Security then offered to buy him a hot-chocolate and a donut at concessions, which Bergen gloomily accepted.

He then walked back to the parking lot, removed his glove and shoes, deposited his clubs in the trunk of his 2012 Camry, and reentered Augusta National as a spectator. Several times throughout the day, in the distance he saw Freddie Couples pointing and laughing at him as he obviously recounted Bergen’s mistake to the other golfers. which they found quite hilarious. 

The only thing overshadowing Bergen’s misadventures was Rory Mcllroy winning the tournament in a playoff, thus completing golf’s grand slam.

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A downcast Reaper said, “This year, I was hoping to swing through Western New York after a Bills Super Bowl victory and take out the one-before-I-die crowd. That’s a good group, and it would have been great fun to snatch these lives after this long-awaited victory—even the assholes among them who dip their wings in ranch and the Karens who object to “Mr Brightside” being played at Highmark Stadium because the song is about infidelity. Instead, I had to take out all these son-of-bitches reeling with gut-wrenching disappointment. It’s so sad. Not Ann Frank sad, but still sad.”  

Buffalo and a handful of cities with professional sports franchises: Vancouver, San Diego, Jacksonville, Columbus, and Charlotte have never raised a championship trophy. However, there are caveats with these cities—Charlotte can claim UNC’s six NCAA basketball championships. Columbus can cozy up to Ohio State’s nine NCAA football championships. San Diego is in Southern California, and except for the threat of burning to the ground, it is still beautiful, temperate SoCal. Vancouver is one of the prettiest cities in the world. Granted, Jacksonville is really just redneck Southern Georgia and the home of Matt Gaetz, but still—it wasn’t iron-gray, ten degrees the morning after losing to the Chiefs for the fourth time. Then again, fuck Matt Gaetz and Jacksonville. Oh, I forgot Memphis, but Elvis cancels all that shit out.

The futility of Buffalo teams and their fans, however, remains unmatched. The failure to advance to the first Super Bowl in 1966 after losing again to the Chiefs, 31- 7 in the AFL title game. The delay of game penalty that ended the tying drive in the 1981 divisional playoff vs. the Bengals after Lou Piccone picked up the first down. The Ronnie Harmon drop in ‘89 vs. the Browns. The four Super Bowl losses, Homerun Throwback, the Draught, Thirteen Seconds, Bass’ miss from forty, and now, the first down that wasn’t and the Kincaid drop. Let’s throw in Bernie Parent in ‘75, No Goal, the Brian Campbell delay of game penalty in ‘06, and another Draught. Death by a thousand cuts. 

Drawing up something like a smile the Reaper became philosophical, saying, “As you can imagine, it’s tough keeping a positive attitude in this line of work with all the maiming and killing. At some point, to keep going I have to believe it will happen—one of these snake bit, pathetic teams will kick the door down, and a championship trophy will be hoisted in Buffalo. When it happens, you can bet I’ll be there—with bells on. Well, maybe not bells, but I’ll be there, as my dark and foreboding self with my scythe. Joyfully, I’ll take out a giant swath of those happy bastards with my dark kiss of death. It’s that hope and belief that allows me to keep going.”

Next year—the year we finally vanquish our demons, begins on Thursday, September 5th with the NFL kickoff game. And the Sabres?…nevermind.

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Denny Dunselfaq says in the event of a Bills loss, he’ll be all over “X” doing the hate thing. “I usually don’t have my best stuff until the divisional round, but I’ll have some zingers for McDermott if they lose. Because, as everyone knows, he keeps time like a bony-armed drummer in a teenage garage band. If they go down, you know McDermott’s time management will have something to do with it. ” 

Roy Rutu said he’s going to focus on special teams. “The Bills special teams have been shaky all year from Tyler Bass to the return game, and the Broncos have one of the best punt returners in the NFL in Marvin Mims Jr. If the Broncos end up with short fields all day, I’m going to destroy Bills special teams coach, Matthew Smiley—what kind of bullshit name is that anyway: Smiley? I’ll probably have some other complaints too, especially if Kaiir Elam gets on the field.” 

Ron Redbone will be watching the run game closely. “The Broncos run game is horrible, but if they make some hay up the middle against the Bills soft run defense, I’ll be coming hard for starters Ed Oliver, DaQuan Jones, and rotational players Jordan Phillips and DeWayne Carter. They pay Ed Oliver $17 million a year, and at times, it seems like he spends it all on manicures and pedicures. It’s nice to have pretty fingers and toes, but c’mon, this is the goddamn NFL, do the Dan Campbell thing and bite some kneecaps off.”  

Calais Crumb said he intends to lay the blame on Brandon Beane. “I know everyone is all jazzed about this everyone eats philosophy, but did you see Ladd McConkey yesterday against the Texans—9, 197, and a TD. In the regular season, he was 82, 1,149 for 7TD’s. While some will mistake him for a Nick Jonas knockoff and wonder if there is any relation to ‘80s Giants role player Phil McConkey, young Ladd is all Donkey Kong, and Beane could have had him in the draft instead of Keon Coleman. Anyone see Keon lately or Dalton Kincaid, for that matter?” 

Sheila Shomacker intends to go wide. “Yeah, I’ll have a lot to say about the Bills if they lose, but I’m going to blow some other shit up too. First, I have another yeast infection from my boyfriend, Dirty Eddie. Next, my dog Ruby ate a random chicken bone when we were out for a walk, and I had to drop $400 at the emergency pet hospital to have it flushed out. My fucking work friend, Renee, won’t stop asking me if her recurring dream about Grace Kelly means she was or will be a princess in another life. I broke a tie-rod on my car after hitting one of the seven thousand potholes along the medical corridor on Main Street—that set me back another $350. Finally, my goddamn cousin Harry, who puts ranch on his wings, talks endlessly about wanting to see Rep. Lauren Bobert in a porn, and always tries to get the wave going at every sporting event won our family fantasy football league. He talked all year about being a Cinderella story, and it drove me fucking nuts. So, yeah, if they lose—lookout.”

The Bills and Broncos kickoff their wildcard playoff game today at 1pm at Highmark Stadium in Orchard Park. 

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The nephews burst out laughing and joked with each other about team-owner, Terry Pegula’s recent statement to the team that “the answers are in this locker room” or the soon-to-be post-Christmas “players only meeting” that will produce a shootout loss and another five-game skid. Or the pathetic statements of Lindy Ruff, who sounded like Phil Housley, Ralph Krueger, and Don Granato all rolled into one, talking about how—“We can’t take penalties and expect to win,” or “We weren’t ready to go,” or how “We started slow and never got going.”

And then there’s GM, Kevyn Adams’s stupid statements about palm trees and New York taxes.

After being pummeled by his nephews, Uncle John came clean—”Okay, okay, “I don’t fucking hate you—it’s just the Sabres are the perfect vehicle to teach you about the futility of life. About how we’re fed endless lies that dreams come true, and life has meaning. But the grasshopper never snatches the pebble from the master’s hand. P.A.Kane is never going to be a best seller; Ahab is never catch the whale; and Gatsby will never win Daisy’s love. If Wile E. Coyote, had every stick of dynamite the ACME company ever made the Roadrunner would still best him. That’s who you fucking guys are—Wile E. Coyote. That’s who all of us are in Buffalo—Wile E. Fucking Coyote.” 

Uncle John went on to explain that despite the futility of life, for some uknown reason we are compelled to perpetuate the illusion of meaning, and that means—showing up. Again, he turned to the Sabres and their in-game announcer, Courtney Corbetta, who has the impossible task of creating a positive atmosphere for this miserable fucking team night after night in a building on its best day is two-thirds full. “The self-hatred of that woman is just incredible. She could be living the carefree life of a Tim Horton’s barista or a school photographer, yet she shows up night after night and works her ass off, putting a happy face on this pile of shit.”

The nephews looked quizzically at each other and asked Uncle John, “Then why not gift us Bills tickets instead?” He explained that the Bills futility is even worse because they create a false sense of hope, only to rip your heart out in the end. It’s better to have the slow-burn of Sabres hopelessness than have the Bills stomp the shit out of you all at once the Sunday of the divisional round. Then he rhetorically asked, “Did you see how the Chiefs destroyed the Steelers and how the Ravens manhandled the Texans—do you think the Bills, who muddled by a 3-11 Patriots team, can compete with them?”

As the conversation ended, Uncle John gave his nephews a crisp hundred-dollar bill and told them to enjoy two short beers and a box of popcorn at the game.   

The post After Thirteen Straight Years of Christmas Sabres Tickets, Amherst Siblings Want to Know Why Uncle John Fucking Hates Them appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Often portrayed as volatile and impulsive, the dynamic wideout says that isn’t necessarily true, “I’m a competitor for sure, and everything else I say I am, I am, but I have a deep, reflective side too. When stuff is going down and there’s all this noise in my head I might draw a bath, light some scented candles, and dial-up some Sarah McLachlan. Sittin’ in the bath I turn things over, see how it can make me a better person and a better player. Now I’m in a space where I’m thinking all this business about being him hurt me and my team.”

While the playmaker admits delving into himself may lead to nothing, it’s still nice to sit in a warm tub with candles listening to his girl Sarah M. “Yeah, I might not get what I’m after,” he said, “but that line she sings about holding you down and kissing you so hard—it just, ya know, works for me.”

Diggs is set to be a free agent at the end of the 2024 season after voiding the remaining years on his contract.

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The Bills tight ends have traditionally been characterized by their blue collar work ethic rather than their flash. From Ernie Warlick to Pete Metzelaars to present day teammate Dawson Knox, no player at the position has created a buzz like Kincaid.

Accordingly, talk follows such an impactful, high-profile player, especially here in Western New York where the calendar has been reduced to two seasons: football season and waiting for football season.

Here’s ten Dalton Kincaid rumors (mostly manufactured in the Buffalo Mud labs).

1. Has made inquires about purchasing WNY’s seventh hundredth Tim Horton’s franchise—Given the high praise he received from Dawson Knox for picking up snacks and getting coffee for the tight end room without being asked, he seems a natural.
2. Is dating Josh Allen’s former girlfriend Brittany Williams on the down-low—Brittany’s not thrilled about being with another dude on a rookie contract but says he’s a great attentive kid.
3. He wrote a paper on the Twilight series in college at Utah complaining about Edward’s plan to kill the whole Biology class just so he could drink Bella’s blood—The paper was graded C for overuse the word “bullshit” and endless dangling modifiers.
4. He somehow got RANCH dressing at Bar-Bill and was seen dipping wings in the forbidden sauce—Matt Milano promptly escorted him to the back of the building and kicked his ass. 
5. As a middle schooler he was cast in an after-school special called: “There’s Nothing Wrong With Being A Puppeteer.” Executives decided not to air the special because the subject matter was totally stupid. 
6. He knocked up a bartender at Soho and possibly a nurse Buffalo General—NDA’s have been signed and filed. 
7. Is a descendant of Eugenio Kincaid and secretly plans to convert everyone in Western New York to a Baptist— Eugenio was a missionary in Burma in the 1800’s.
8. Thinks George Kittle is way funnier than Travis Kelce even though the Chiefs tight end hosted SNL.—Watch the video.
9. Known to be a huge fan of Bob & Doug McKenzie despite the duo not being relevant since the 80’s—Coo, loo, coo, coo, coo, coo, coo, coo! .
10.  Laughs in a perverse manner during every iteration of Star Trek when the script turns to the “Captain’s Log.”—How do they miss that?
11. Mom has a secret crush on local author P.A.Kane—What lady of sixty years doesn’t?

Look for Kincaid starting September 11th when the Bills open the season against the New York Jets. 

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While the excitement is real and the team is a legitimate Super Bowl contender, deep down, in the dark recesses of the Bills fans souls, where defeat and disappointment reign supreme, they can’t wait to get past this silly season of expectation and on to the inevitable heartbreak of another year.

Johnny Jamula of Clarence expressed how he can’t help but buy into the Bills at this time of year and then feels like such a fool when the season ultimately goes sideways. “I’m a grown ass man and have been a fan since the early 70’s when Fergy was hanging his head and tight end Ruben Gant—or as we referred to him Ruben Can’t and Never Could—was dropping passes all over the field. Yet, here I am like a little old lady watching the shopping network in the middle of the night, buying the hype—and all the chiffon jackets when I know I look like a total asshole in sheer chiffon garments. I’m such a sucker. I just hope the Bills put me out of my misery early this year.” 

Abdul Ashalayum of Black Rock said he’s very uncomfortable with all the positive feelings he had about the Bills this offseason—especially about general manager Brandon Beane and head coach Sean McDermott. “Right now, I feel the value pickups Beane made in free agency like Poona Ford and Leonard Floyd were genius. And I’m thrilled with this year’s draft class which includes: Dalton Kincaid, O’Cyrus Torrence and Justin Shorter. I’m also excited to have McDermott calling the defense and ramping up the aggressiveness on that side of the ball.
But truthfully, when the season starts to fall apart and Leonard Floyd only has two sacks and the Giants poach Justin Shorter, I’ll destroy Beane for being a dumb shit. I’ll call WGR and ask if there’s any way to hire back his old protégé, Joe Schoen. Same with McDermott, once he’s too aggressive with the blitz or not aggressive enough, I’ll be on the horn calling for Leslie Frazier to replace his sorry bald-headed ass. And it will feel so good, so right. 

LaMont Leadfoot of South Buffalo is hoping not to face reality of another wasted year with the Bills until the first seven feet of lake effect snow clobbers Buffalo sometime in November. “Last year it was nice to have the delusion that this was our year right up until they barely beat the Lions on Thanksgiving day. The narrow win coupled with the seven feet of lake effect snow the week prior shook me back into place—this is Buffalo, we don’t have nice things like normal weather and Super Bowl parades. We have: heart attacks,  playoff losses and we’re boring . Still, avoiding reality till then was nice—from there it was a short seven-months to those two glorious months of Buffalo summer and more delusions about the Bills.

The Bills start their sixty-third NFL season on September 11th against the New York Jets.   

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The possible split comes as Allen returned to Buffalo for voluntary organized team activities down at One Bills Drive. Looking like the adult version of Tony DeFranco from the DeFanco Family, with his hair grown out and an easy smile on his face, Allen calmly took questions from the media after his team workout stating, “At this point in my life, I’ve never been as focused or locked in on football as I am right now.”

But nobody believes that Allen being unattached will be good for his game despite his “locked in” assertion. Here’s a few examples of what some fans are thinking:

Ronald Ravenclaw, a Crane Operator for the John Danforth Company, thinks this could really hurt the Bills prospects for the coming season. He said, “With a steady woman at your side you always have someone there to point out your flaws and keep you honest. Josh isn’t going to have that anymore. And, he’s not going to have anyone reminding him that, not only does Patrick Mahomes have two rings, but Brittany Mahomes also has two babies. How will Josh ever stay motivated to win without his Brittany constantly clucking at him?” 

Glenn Gasser, an Accounts Executive at Rich Products is worried about the volume of women who are going to throw themselves at Josh. In Gasser’s mind, “An unattached Josh Allen is going to be invited into more “velvet lounges” and get more “mouth hugs” than Joe Namath could ever imagine—even after the ‘68 season.  And, you know there’s going to be famous women like Kim Kardashian looking for him. She’s due another NFL player after a bevy of rappers, singers and comedians. Josh has the fame and the bank to be her fall rental. Bottom line, not only will the Kim Kardashians of the world be coming for him, but he’s going to have unfettered access at every “taco bar” in the country, if you know what I mean. And that ain’t good for the Bills.”  

Felix Flounder, a West Seneca School Bus Driver is concerned about the dog Allen shares with Williams—Sky. Sky is a chocolate lab and in a break up like this the woman normally gets the dog, even though in all likelihood it would rather be with the man—especially when the man is an alpha dog himself, like QB1. “I mean, can Brittany throw a stick seventy yards like Josh?” Flounder asked. “Does she have the agility to play a game of chase like Josh? Can she say “NO,” in a commanding voice like an NFL quarterback? Of course not, but she’ll want and she’ll get Sky even though everyone knows it would be better off with Josh…and it will break his heart and cause him to be distracted. And ultimately that will show up in his game.”  

This will be Allen’s sixth year in the NFL and a pivotal one for the Bills.

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