To avoid planned protests, the event was held on Friday, inside the Arsenale, a 14th-century complex of former shipyards and armories located on the eastern side of Venice’s historic center. The wedding reception took place on Bezos’ five-hundred-million-dollar yacht, the Koru. Under different circumstances, it might be ironic that the word Koru is derived from Maori culture and refers to an unfurling spiral shape like a lizard tongue—but not here. 

Ex-Wife Of Amazon Founder Never To Sleep with Another Dork

A lame-ass pajama party, which saw guests dress in silk robes and gowns that Hugh Hefner would have deemed tacky, closed out the festivities on Saturday night with career suicide performances by Usher and DJ Cassidy. 

With the shuddering of USAID already resulting in some three hundred thousand deaths in developing countries, the opening of Trump’s detention center in the Florida Everglades, named Alligator Alcatraz, and the passage of the Big Beautiful Bill, which would see millions of people lose their healthcare, and a massive rollback of climate initiatives, God could have made a huge statement with some righteous and deadly fucking smiting at the Bezos wedding, save for Bill Gates—we still need him to implant the tracking devices in people.

But, as has always been the case, God let us down because quite frankly there is no God, and we fucking suck.   

The post Bezos Sanchez Wedding Definitive Proof There Is No God appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Said the President, “These kids are major losers. They all came here today with their lunatic left, DEI mindset, thinking they would just be given eggs instead of having to do the hard work of finding them. Sure, I had Little Marco crawling around on the ground finding eggs for me, and Stephen Miller upended all the fast and shifty brown and black kids, but I can tell you this, when it comes to coloring and egg rolls (both at the White House and Number One Kitchen), it’s all about winning, and I am the winningest, winner in the history of our country. No one has ever won like me, your favorite president.”

“Also, a lot of people are saying I should ship all those loser kids like Riley and Grayson and Zoey, who cried like little bitches after I beat them, off to the El Salvador prisons. Like Mike Pence, they couldn’t be counted on to fight for our country when things got tough. I can tell you this, I would’ve liked to have shipped off these weak assed kids, but we grifted something like $200K from corporate sponsors, and it wouldn’t be a good business to send these little losers to the El Salvador gulag, since I’ll need to shake these sponsors down again in the very near future.”

Future egg rolls are expected to be rebranded as “The Donald Trump Egg Roll.” The event will feature golden eggs and a golden trophy embossed with the president’s image. 

Details to follow as the president is again expected to spend the day haranguing another major loser, Fed Chairman Jerome Powell, and thus evaporate trillions more from Americans’ bank accounts.  

The post Trump Declares Victory In Coloring Contest, Egg Roll—Calls Kids ‘Major Losers’ appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Members of the Constitutional Coalition of NY State, which has been identified as a “hate group” by the Southern Poverty Law Center, said they would like the president to keep his eye on the prize—intimidating and threatening brown people. They were extremely pleased with the rendition of alleged MS-13 gang members from Venezuela to a notorious prison in El Salvador based on tattoos, hoodies, and hats. But now, there seems to be no second act.

Longtime organizer Whitey Whitehead said, “I want vulnerable brown people to feel unwelcome and scared. I also want to make all those elitist liberals with their fancy degrees and full complements of teeth to cry and be obedient. I want these assholes to suffer. Trump is a master at abusing people. That’s where his focus needs to be—not the economy.”

Members of the Moms for Liberty Erie County, identified by SPLC as a hate group, also hoped the president would stop tinkering with the economy and get back to pressuring undesirable elements wreaking havoc in America. 

Sharon Steeplebutt, a Liberty mom, sighed and said, “I was really excited when Trump got back in. Finally, I thought, there’s a man in the White House with my values—a man who would inflict pain on illegals and humiliate members of the LGBTQ community. Someone who would stand up for white people and Christianity. You know, the Bible is his favorite book. I know he says it’s The Art of the Deal, but I really think it’s the Bible—the Old Testament Bible where sinners get turned into pillars of salt. But now, he’s playing around with tariffs and markets. He needs to get back to his core issue of inflicting pain. Maybe that little prick, Stephen Miller, can get him to refocus.

Here are thoughts from other Western New York supporters of the president:

Clem Huskins of East Otto said, “I don’t know nothin’ about no markets, but I do need Trump and Elon to keep firing all those people studying gay frogs and bisexual salamanders, so I can get my DOGE check and finish my meth lab.”

Karen Posington of Clarence expressed concerns over the lack of movement on jailing political opponents. “Sure, this week he ordered investigations of that Anonymous guy from his first term, Miles Taylor and that cyber security expert Chris Krebs, but when is Hillary and Barack “Hussein” Obama going to jail?”

Santiago Sorra of North Buffalo said, “Trump started out like a kid in a candy shop, insulting and humiliating people like Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, who showed up to the White House in a sweat suit looking like a fidget. When is he going to stop messing with all this tariff business and get back to destroying people? Like that donut-eating clown that is now the Prime Minister of Canada,  Mike Carney. 

With likely changes in policy in the coming weeks, markets are expected to remain volatile.

The post Voters Want Trump To Focus On Pain and Misery Rather Than Economy appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Citing a subpoena, Taylor Green commenced the witness part of the hearing by calling Aaron Rodgers, to defend his long-running woke PBS children’s program, Mr.Rodgers Neighborhood, which taught the un-American values of kindness and empathy. A staffer whispered in her ear that she was mixing up Fred Rogers, the progams’s host and creator who passed in 2003 with NFL Quarterback Aaron Rodgers. Taylor Green shouted down the staffer, saying “fake news,” and referred to abundant visual evidence of the earthy sweater-clad Rodgers hosting the program before issuing a contempt of Congress order for him. 

Next, Taylor Green called on seasoned Sesame Street character Big Bird to testify. Her first question to the non-flying, eight-foot-two-inch-tall bright yellow anthropomorphic bird was: “Are you now or have you ever been a member of the communist party?”

Big Bird responded, “I don’t know about all that, but I can ride a unicycle, roller and ice skate, dance, swim, sing, draw and write poetry. Can you write poetry, Representative Taylor Green? Let’s try one together. I’ll start:

Roses are red 

Violets are blue

Look Marjore Taylor

You have a muppet face too

With that, Representative Taylor angrily pounded her gavel on the desk and then spewed a litany of transgressions committed by Big Bird against the American people, which included teaching children to cope with grief and loss, the importance of learning and curiosity, friendship and kindness, the value of being yourself, acceptance and inclusion and finally patience and cooperation.

“Yes,” the fluffy orange-footed bird said. “I’ve done all those things. I’ve also taught people who are sad, angry, and stupid to be happy and not so stupid with songs. How about we sing a happy song about cooperation, and maybe you won’t be so sad or stupid, Representative Taylor Green.” 

Big Bird then broke into this old favorite.

But nobody was less sad or stupid, especially Represenative Taylor Green, and Big Bird was quickly handcuffed and put on a plane to El Salvador, where he was defeathered and beaten.

Representatives from the Trump administration are searching yoga studios, monasteries and darkness retreats for Aaron Rodges to serve him his contempt papers.

Hearings continue tomorrow. Expected to take the witness stand is Cookie Monster. Mr. Monster will have to answer for his lifelong deceit and theft of cookies.

The post Aaron Rodgers Faces Contempt Charges; Big Bird Grilled At GOP PBS, NPR Hearings appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Citing a strict 11 pm curfew imposed by the Youngball’s mom, progress sheets needed to be filed no later than 10:59 pm, or employees were subject to immediate termination. Clutching a Monster energy drink, a DOGE member named Middleballs said that most of the guys on the capture team, including Bigballs and Hairyballs have beds at the office. But before Trump got into office, Youngballs, who was in high school a year ago, got into the ketamine a little too deep with Musk and didn’t go home for a few days. “His mom then came looking for him. It was a whole big scene.”

The 11 pm curfew jeopardizes the intern’s chances to remain part of the DOGE team that is now targeting the Department of Education, National Public Radio (NPR) and the Public Broadcasting Service (PBS). Sipping from a juice box, Youngballs said, “I’d really like to be there when the guys kneecap Big Bird and Terry Gross and when funding for children with disabilities is eliminated from the defunct Department of Education, but that’s not going to happen unless I follow the curfew rules. Mom can be such a hard ass. She doesn’t understand the opportunity to destroy these cherished institutions is a once in a lifetime deal and now that fucking loser, Backupballs is going to take my spot.” 

Team member Grossballs, said things aren’t as dire for Youngballs as some think. “His mom is pretty hot and still of childbearing years, and the night she came down here and dressed us all down, I saw the way Mr. Musk looked at her. The wheels were spinning in Old Horneyballs head—chucka, chucka bang bang, here comes child number fifteen or however many shorties he has. So Youngballs might be good for a while.”

With or without Youngballs, carnage at these institutions will continue as the shining city on the hill becomes a hell hole for everyone but the billionaire class.    

*author’s note* Grossballs insisted he be credited with coming up with the “balls” nicknames for team members.

The post Space X Intern Demands U.S.A.I.D. Reports Ahead Of His 11pm Curfew appeared first on buffalomud.com.

In a recent statement on Truth Social, the President-elect said, “Today I am putting forward Moon Unit Zappa to head the beautiful and one-of-a-kind United States Space Force, which I created and is the greatest rockety-space thing in the history of the world. Moon, first came to prominence as a voice in her father’s hit song “Valley Girl” and as VJ on MTV. Most importantly, her name is Moon Unit, and I can tell you this: no one is more qualified to head a space bureau than someone named Moon Unit. She literally has space words in her name.”

Moon Unit Zappa, who is currently on a book tour promoting her memoir Earth to Moon, which chronicles growing up in the unconventional Zappa household, was shocked to learn of the nomination. “I don’t even know Trump,” she said. “But let me be clear—if nominated, I will not accept; if elected, I will not serve.  And, furthermore, gag me with a giant pumpkinhead spoon. Like barf me out, that is like grody to the max.”

The refusal has the President-elect’s transition team scrambling to find a suitable replacement. Names being floated include George Jetson and Marvin the Martain. Trump is said to like the idea of an animated character to fill this role, especially one like Jetson, who always took it like a man when he was getting bitch slapped by his boss, Mr. Spacley— “Very appealing,” said the President-elect. Trump is also said to be thinking about the Looney Tunes character, Marvin the Martain—he likes the space character’s unpredictability and tolerance of violence. Out of the running are Moon Maid from the Dick Tracy comic strip and Dr. Manhatten from The Watchman. Insiders say they were rejected due to low ratings.

However, it seems Alice Kramden has the inside track to head up USSF. The wife of the scheming and volatile Ralph Kramden, Mrs. Kramden, is known for her grace under pressure and for not suffering fools. Plus, she has been to the moon and back several times. On Truth Social, Trump said, “People are saying it would be an inspired pick to put the highly rated Alice Kramden in at USSF. America First. Winning.” 

Trump will be inaugurated on January 20th, 2025. 

The post Moon Unit Zappa Rebuffs Trump’s Overtures to Head Space Force appeared first on buffalomud.com.

The auction and liquidation of Infowars were necessary to satisfy a $1.5 billion judgment against the site’s founder, Alex Jones. Jones peddled the conspiracy theory that the Obama administration staged the 2012 mass shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School as a ploy to enact sweeping gun legislation. Jones also alleged that the families of the victims were complicit in the plot and the slaughtered children and staff were actors and are still alive. 

Upon inspection of the shed, Buffalo Mud publisher P.A. Kane found items that you’d expect a conspiracy gasbag like Alex Jones to have—emergency survival gear, tin foil hats, supplements and brain force drops, Ayn Rand books and lots of files with labels like how they turned the frogs gay, proof of reptilian overlords, Trump’s mushroom dick. 

But what really struck Kane and the Buffalo Mud team was the extensive collection of Hustler magazines dating back to the publications inception in the early 1970s. All the best issues featuring spreads by Asia Consent, Jenny Talia, Sigourney Beaver, Tasha Salad, and a curiously worn copy highlighting Amanda Pörq. Plus the erudite articles: “How Much Waxing of the Carrott is Too Much?” “ STDs You Can Live With,” “Why She’d Rather Watch Hockey Than Fuck You.”

Kane immediately posted pictures of items on Facebook marketplace, where they were to be sold to the highest bidder, with the proceeds benefiting the Sandy Hook Relief Fund. 

However, as Kane exited the shed after posting the items, from a hole in the ground some fifty yards from the structure, a dirty and shirtless Alex Jones charged him, screaming, “NOT MY HUSTLERS, YOU ELITIST DEMON SPAWN. NOT MY AMADA PÖRQ.” 

Skilled in karate, Kane quickly neutralized the disgraced conspiracy theorist and contacted the authorities. EMTs administered a shut-the-fuck-up tranquilizer to Jones and took him away. At last report, he had been admitted to a Houston hospital where he was twitching and shaking and occasionally yelling out: “PÖRQ…I NEED AMANDA PÖRQ…I NEED AMANDA PÖRQ…PÖRQ…”

Look for liquidated items on the Facebook marketplace.

The post Buffalo Mud Wins Infowars Shed at Auction appeared first on buffalomud.com.

New York representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez pointed to the health implications and environmental concerns related to the Pastafarian lifestyle. “Pasta, as we all know, is loaded with carbs, and once these carbs enter the small intestine, the digestive enzymes emitted from the pancreas transform that rich, glorious manicotti into glucose. Once that glucose hits your bloodstream—BOOM—sugar levels and health care costs don’t just explode, they EXPLODE. On top of that, the carbon footprint from all the cows and pigs slaughtered for meatballs and sausage is immense. For all that is sacred in America, the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and the Pastafarians need to be sanctioned and repudiated.”

Political observers don’t expect the Democrat’s new strategy to amount to much. Instead, they believe the Democrats will regain power the way they always do—mismanagement and overreach by the unserious Republicans, especially with Donald Trump at the head of the party.     

The post Democrats Pivot to New Enemy: Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Here are some reactions from across Western New York:

Larry Latoris of Lakeview was perplexed at the lack of name calling. “I mean it was pretty funny when vice-presidential candidate Walz said, “I can’t wait to debate J.D. Vance…that’s if he’s willing to get off the couch,” but where was the name calling and put downs? None of these communists in the democrat party called anybody stupid or a disaster and none of them came up with any good lines or names for Trump? I mean, how about a little nod to “Animal House“: Fat, dumb and orange is no way to go through life, son. Maybe some: Donny Bone-Spur or the Mar-A-Loco Meathead. I feel so cheated.”

Cherry Chuggler of Cheektowaga was taken aback by the bright, joyful faces of both Harris and Walz which she found uncharastically uplifting and made her want to be a better person. “All of the sudden I have these feelings of generosity and goodwill. So much so, I got in my car today and when some fuckhead in a Prius changed lanes without signaling I just let it go. And my neighbor Gayle, from down the street— the one with the solar panels and the vegetable garden—she waved and I waved back and smiled. What’s happening to me? This sucks.”

Lonnie Logger of Lancaster was confused at the lack of darkness and hatred. “I was expecting to hear the plans for how these democrats were going to end Christianity and about their undying love for Hamas. But instead of a: From the river to the sea recitation, these left wing lunatics led by Harris and Walz chanted USA, USA, USA and We’re not going back, We’re not going back. And rather than that Walz guy telling you to get off his lawn he told people to: Mind your own damn business. Didn’t it used to be the republicans who advocated for freedom from the government? But now, they don’t want you to have freedom over your body, who you love or even what you read. They’re up in your grill about everything. I’m so damn confused.”

Sylvia Slossen of Sloan was surprised she didn’t hear more about plans for installing critical race theory or how they’re going to further open the border to illegals. “Instead, all I saw was love and excitement. And I heard pledges to help the middle class, to increase healthcare, to invest in schools. What I didn’t hear was anything about miserable cat ladies, sharks, Hannibal Lecter or coconuts. I was told I was going to hear about coconuts. There was nothing in these speeches that was weird or made me feel afraid. What the hell is wrong with these democrats?

There are eighty-seven days left until November 5th, when the United States will elect its forty-seventh president.

The post Deprived Of References To Sharks, Windmills And Carnage Leaves Some Western New Yorkers Confused At Harris/Walz Rollout appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Informed of the plot the oompa loompa-colored former president said, “I can tell you this, I never wanted to hire Bolton or his disgusting low energy mustache. Just like deranged Jack Smith and racist Fanny Willis want to take away my freedom, so does that awful unfair mustache, which a lot of people, quite frankly, are saying is filled with walrus snot. But as we know, these horrible people and these horrible mustaches only want to take away my freedom so they can take away your freedom.”

According to sources the plan hatched by the Ned Flanders like mustache, with the help of Bolton’s equally intrepid eyebrows, was to attach themselves on Trump’s head at his ears, eyes and nose like a sticky immovable centipede and slowly drive him crazy thus rendering him incapacitated and unable to run for office.

Asked for comment the intrepid mustache would neither confirm or deny there was a plot or a plot was imminent, but it did say, “You know it’s very reasonable to think that having a patch of my bodacious stachness aqua netted to someone’s face would drive them a little nuts with Bolton being the exception—on that ancient crotchety grill, I look so sweet. That aside, it’s also reasonable to think that it would drive a big dummy like Trump, who is little more than a 300 lb, 215 lb toddler, absolutely bonkers. Let’s not forget that the vain bloviating combover is quite the germaphobe and he doesn’t like mosquitos—all filthy and furry after a Bolton sneeze he’d be done for.” 

Incredibly enough Trump holds a forty point lead among primary voters for the Republican nomination and is neck and neck with Joe Biden in general election polling. Curling into a big smile the intrepid mustache looking like the biggest pushbroom ever to sit in an aisle at Home Depot chuckled, “Trust that a hairy centipede such as myself at the ears, eyes and nose could finish off this creamsicle manbaby once and for all and end this eight year nightmare. Tell me, what’s the purpose of all this intrepidness, if not that?”  

The process for selecting a Republican candidate for president begins with the  Iowa Caucuses on January 15, 2024.

The post Leak Reveals John Bolton’s Intrepid Mustache Planning To Knock Trump Out Presidential Race appeared first on buffalomud.com.