Though he is known for his overt bro manliness, heavy use of the C-word and being an heir to the Swanson fortune, Tucker nevertheless, found getting sacked from the cable’s top position quite emasculating. So he gathered with his pal Don Jr. to down some Swanson Salisbury Steak Hungry Man dinners and to engage in the testosterone building practice of tanning your balls, which he previously promoted in a Fox streaming special called “The End of Men.”

Don Lemon was invited to this weekend meeting because it was to take place in Maine, where there are literally no black people. And, as we know, nothing is more invigorating to rich, entitled right wingers than disparaging black guys.

Before jumping into the testicle tanning the right wingers slipped away from the pond leaving Don Lemon behind and drove around rural Maine in Tucker’s monster truck where they laughed about sneaking away from the former CNN host and ran Toyota Prius’ off the road. Afterwards they berated the servants who brought them their Hungry Man dinners and complained about woke beer, woke amusement parks and woke candy treats like M & M’s. 

Then the three men engaged in the testosterone boosting red light therapy—tanning their balls. Lemon was included with the hope that a blast of light would turn him straight. But when a shirtless Tucker and Don Jr. started to touch nipples and giggle during the process, Lemon got out of there saying, “This shit is way too gay for me.”  

Lemon exited for good the next day when Tucker and Don Jr. started reading passages aloud to each other from the apocalyptic novel, “The Turner Diaries.” In the novel the protagonist Earl Turner takes part in an overthrow of the government and then attempts to kill all the Jews, blacks and liberals. Both men were quite enjoying this fantasy but stopped after a few pages when it became abundantly clear Don Jr. barely knew how to read. 

Besides continuing to tan their balls the two men rounded out the weekend perusing Tucker’s extensive Nazi memorabilia collection, which includes a first edition of Mein Kampf. They also talked about the virtues authoritarian leaders, Vladimir Putin and  Recep Tayyip Erdogan and played the C-word game—you yell out a random woman’s name and make a determination if she is or isn’t a C-word. If she is, you move to the next woman, if she isn’t you must defend your choice. Let’s just say it was a high scoring misogynist all-star game with a total lack of defense.

Tucker said he was feeling rejuvenated after the fun weekend.   

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Washington D.C.—Tucker Carlson was always in the mix to be Truth Magazine’s: Tool of the Year. This week, however, the FOX host locked up the honor earlier than any past winners for his incredibly insulting, ill conceived and poorly executed lie about having damning Hunter Biden documents, that Opps!—got lost in the mail.

Flander Saltonstall, the managing editor at Truth said of course there are bigger more robust liars than Carlson, like the President, who Carlson is always attempting to prop up, but volume isn’t the only criteria in determining Truth’s Tool of the Year. It’s the audacity of the lie and lack of believability. Saltonstall said, “Our winners are like that kid everyone had in their fifth grade class whose dog ate their homework three times a week, every week for the entire school year. And, said kid, didn’t even have a dog. It’s an incredibly insulting, uncreative lie that shows zero respect for the intelligence of the person being lied to. Obviously, Carlson has zero respect for his FOX audience.”

Carlson was already in the running for the honor as a result of a defamation lawsuit filed by former Playmate model Karen McDougal. McDougal said her reputation had been harmed when Carlson accused her of extorting President Trump after she had an affair with ole mushroom dick. FOX lawyers representing Carlson argued the host engages in exaggeration and hyperbole and Judge Mary Kay Vyskocil, of United States District Court in Manhattan agreed, saying: “Given Mr. Carlson’s reputation, any reasonable viewer [should]arrive with an appropriate amount of skepticism about the host’s on-air comments.” 

In other words the Judge said, Carlson is full of shit and nobody should believe anything he says. This, said Saltonstall, was worthy enough for Tool of the Year honors. But the lost Hunter Biden documents put him over the top.

The damning lost documents, which were on a flash drive, were eventually found and returned to Carlson and guess what, he’s assessing them — the fucking tool.

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United States, America—An internal audit of white supremacist’s groups found nothing exceptional about the movement or its members. Fearful of the growing popularity of the “Black Lives Matter” movement, the audit was initiated to uncover positive, overlooked aspects of such groups that would bolster their image. But, the audit instead found a serious downward trend in the popularity of the movement and its members. Hate group members were also found to be plagued by insecurity, body image issues and cognitive deficits, leading to the inevitable conclusion there is nothing supreme about white supremacists groups. 

Adolph Gobbelgoring, acting Fuehrer of the Kentucky League of Aryan Protectors (KLAP) found the audit to be troubling. “With the election of Donald Trump we thought the movement would really take off. And, it did in a lot of ways. We had a big show in Charlottesville, a couple of hundred tiki torches strong and the President deeming us “good people.” But then that asshole, ran over Heather Heyer and killed her. It’s this kind of lack of discipline that always sets us back. Same with this Umbrella Man in Minneapolis from the Aryan Cowboys. Minneapolis was all set to blow up on its own, but those inbred Cowboys went and fucked it up. In the best of times we’re a hard sell. This is a PR nightmare for us.” 

One of the surprising findings of the audit was people who are attracted to such movements do so not because they feel superior to anybody, but rather out of insecurity. Those who join hate groups typically have few friends or intimate relationships. Coupled with poor media literacy they are susceptible to messages of these hate groups. 

Clem Himmlerhausen, chief recruiter at KLAP, said, “Well, I wasn’t really surprised by what the audit found. I mean, it’s not like these dumb fuckers can make up for their small penises or being as smart as a bag of hammers like some middle management asshole who can go and buy a candyapple red Mustang and drive around listening to Coldplay like they’re cool or something. Those options are not available to our members. All our members have in their pathetic lives is a giant reserve of white grievance and a bounty minorities to apply it to.”

Himmlerhausen also said even with all these minority dogs to kick around, some have trouble fully committing. “They look in the mirror and what they see back might leave them feeling disillusioned. Like they’re a bunch of fucktards that aren’t better than anybody. So, if we want this movement to go forward, we have to help these assholes push past these ambivalent feelings and tap into white pride and white grievance. With the assistance of hate mongers like Sean Hannity and Tucker Carlson we can accomplish those goals—did you hear Tucker call that chink who lost her legs in Iraq, Tammy Duckworth, a moron? Now, that’s some great stuff.”

Both Gobbelgoring and Himmlerhausen agreed, even if Donald Trump doesn’t win reelection, it’s this kind of hate, and Biden’s black female vice-presidential pick, that will not only sustain the white supremacist movement, but truly make it supreme.  

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