Washington, D.C.—As Joe Biden ushers in a more traditional presidency progressive supporters are breathing a sigh of relief. These same progressive supporters however, also find themselves wondering which Applebee’s location Kayleigh McEnany is bartending at and where Stephen Miller is holding his KKK meetings. And, some have even come forward and admitted they’re kind of missing Trump and his bullshit.

As horrible, corrupt and incompetent as Trump was as president there was never a dull moment. From the Mexicans are rapist comment to saying he won the popular vote in 2016 to pushing Clorox and Ultraviolet light as Covid therapies to being a very stable genius, it was a shit show of epic proportions that kept friend and foe alike waiting for the next crazy tweet or incoherent statement.

Lanie Barklvr, an environmental activist from Riverside said, “I’ve disliked Trump from the moment I heard him speak back in the 80’s and I’ve deplored every moment of his presidency, but now that I don’t have his tweets to piss me off every day I kind of miss it. I mean, here’s a guy who out of nowhere proposes things like buying Greenland. Who brings the crazy like Trump? I miss that bullshit—sorry.”

Shaking his head Larry Fortuna, a family law attorney from Clarence still can’t fathom the composition of an ego like Trump’s. “This guy is like: “Sorry losers and haters, but my IQ is one of the highest – and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure, it’s not your fault.” And after making such a claim he’ll pop off about windmills causing cancer or he’ll call Apple CEO Tim Cook, Tim Apple and then deny he ever said it. I swear, Trump is like an evil Homer Simpson with $70K a year on hair and makeup habit. I hate say it, but without all the dumb Trump shit the winter and this never ending pandemic somehow seem even longer. God help me, I can’t believe I just said that. I need a bourbon.”

“Okay, okay—I miss the chaos,” said Phoebe Nostrums, a social worker from University Heights. “I deal with some really troubled people in really troubled situations. Mental illness, drug addiction, sexual abuse, you name it. Sometimes it can really wear you down. One of my coping mechanisms was to read Trump’s twitter feed every morning to make sense of the world. I mean, if the President of the United States can say climate change is a Chinese hoax or back that Q’Annon supporter Marjorie Taylor Green, then the craziness of my world doesn’t seem so crazy and I can get through another day of helping clients. With Trump’s twitter feed gone I’ve had to settle for Ted Cruz’s or that asshole Rand Paul’s. It’s just not the same. So yeah, I’m missing Trump.” 

This week progressives missing Trump got a little of the magic back when the former president went off on Mitch McConnell after he recently excoriated him for his role in the Capitol uprising on January 6th. Said Trump:
“In ‘Mitch’s Senate,’ over the last two election cycles, I single-handedly saved at least 12 Senate seats, more than eight in the 2020 cycle alone—and then came the Georgia disaster, where we should have won both U.S. Senate seats, but McConnell matched the Democrat offer of $2,000 stimulus checks with $600...

Barklvr, Fortuna and Nostrums said they had tingles reading this craziness from Trump.      

By P.A. Kane

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Washington, D.C.—Monday morning the world was stunned to learn Trump Senior Advisor and White Supremacist, Stephen Miller found an actual woman to marry him.

Prior to the marriage, Miller’s new wife, Katie Waldman, was subject to intensive DNA screenings to insure she was not compromised by any filthy Latino or Muslim blood. The screenings also revealed Waldman to be a real live human being with the self-hating Eva Braun gene.

Known for his hard line stands on immigration and as the architect of the Trump administration’s zero-tolerance family separation policy Miller, in a survey conducted by Buffalo Mud, was widely considered the least fucakable man in Washington. Only the frosty Laura Ingraham of FOX News agreed to give Miller a reach around and that was under protest.

Even With New Asbestos Hair Stephen Miller Is The Least Fuckable Man In Washington

But in Waldman, who is Vice President Mike Pence’s press secretary, Miller seems to have found a soul mate. She is known to defend the harshest of Trump’s immigration policies and is well versed in the administration’s policies of alternative facts.

As a former aide at The Department of Homeland Security she jumped on election year scare tactics in 2018 regarding caravans headed toward the U.S. border telling FOX News: “This caravan is being put together by NGOs and others mainly for media attention. I mean as I just said we’re seeing caravan buses every day at the border. You know we’ve heard reports of these folks getting on buses and then getting off and walking for the cameras. You know they are getting a ton of media attention.” 

In 2019 she told CNN: “Asylum seekers are a “violent mob of migrants” that were threatening agents and the border.” 

An anonymous source said that Waldman was indeed human and every bit as scary as Miller, it’s just she hasn’t been on the big stage . . . yet.

The wedding took place at the Trump Hotel in Washington and was attended by the President. The only attendee of note who was not too embarrassed to admit being at the event was former Trump Chief-of-Staff and nervous waterbed salesman, Reince Priebus who posted this pic on Twitter:

Upon learning that Miller and Waldman couldn’t book a honeymoon out of fear that mostly brown resort staff members would rise up against the White Supremacist Power Couple, a contingent of Green New Dealers, including Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, Bernie Sanders and Leo DiCaprio, pooled their money to send the newlyweds to Antarctica. 

These activists are hoping the icy copulation between Miller and Waldman would result in circumstances strong enough to recreate the continent’s diminishing ice shelf and thus reverse some of the dire effects of climate change.   

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Buffalo, NY—Hello. I’m David P. Zach. You may know me as the writer of the funny sections of this blog, but I’m much more than that: an entrepreneur, a dingo-enthusiast, a former cult leader. But today I want to talk to you about what I hold dearest to me.

D.A.M. – Dave’s Asbestos Miracle^tm

Nobody likes aging. And it’s especially hard for men. The thought that every woman out there no longer desperately desires us can be absolutely crippling to our feeling of self-worth. While I can’t help with that bulging belly or flimsy phallus, I CAN give you something that’ll make you feel eighteen again: a full head of natural, normal-looking, lustrous hair. Even your barber won’t know your secret!* Plus, D.A.M.^tm comes with a money-back-guarantee; if anyone figures out what the 411 is goin on up there, we’ll refund your payment.**

D.A.M.^tm is used by everyday joes and Hollywood megastars alike. That stud-muffin in the next cubicle? He’s wearing it. That actor cracking skulls and breaking hearts on the big screen ? He’s wearing it. Heck, even your dad is wearing it!***

Now, I’d like to take a moment to address the GOP elephant in the room: Stephen Miller. Yes, Stephen is a long-time customer, and normally D.A.M.^tm makes him look fantastic. But this past weekend, someone at the make-up desk (inside one of the FAKE NEWS networks, I might add) played a cruel joke on him. This resulted in a look that was less than optimal but also incredibly rare (see pictures right).

And on a personal note, I find Mr. P A Kane’s superficial attack on Stephen to be shameful and pathetic. Who is P A Kane to mock others? Is he Adonis? Is he Fabio? Is he Gerard Depardieu? I think not. (And do I really need to point out the obvious implication of a man who covers his head in a frilly French hat as opposed to manly American Asbestos?) This attack was as ludicrous and unhinged as the idea of, I don’t know, an obese orange clown sporting a malformed mushroom who calls people fat.

In summary, know that – like Cher said – you can indeed turn back time. And you can trust me. Because when it comes to Dave’s Asbestos Miracle, I’m not just the president; I’m a member.

*     – your barber will know.

**   – not valid in NY, PA and Fargo.

*** – your dad is not wearing it, but he is still disappointed in you.

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Washington D.C.—This past weekend Senior Advisor to the President, Stephen Miller, the architect of the draconian Trump immigration policy, which bans Muslims and cages children showed up for a sit down on CBS’s, Face The Nation with a new crop of asbestos like hair. Despite the new look Miller remains the least fuckable man in America.

Formerly ensconced with a forehead, the size of his native, golden state, California and a sense of style derived from Newt Gingrich’s favorite outfitter: Suits To Score A Third Gold Digger (Rudy Giuliani shops here too) Miller has always received low grades in the appearance category. To improve his look he has toyed with the idea of shaving his head which has produced good results for many follicly challenged men. However when he floated the idea to his dark wizard friends of the right they instantly could see the obvious Lord Voldemort comparisons that would follow, which would not be helpful to the President.  Instead they encouraged him to try the asbestos upgrade. While there would inevitably be analogies to Nazi propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels, low information Trump supporters with no sense of history would most likely mistake him for Gollum or Gandalf from Lord of the Rings which they really don’t know shit about either.

Not only does Miller’s appearance make him unfuckable, he is not a good earner either. Means tested for Washington D.C. his $180,000 salary is modest at best and the million-dollar condo he lives in was purchased by his parents—yes, it’s another heartwarming, republican, mommy and daddy buy you a condo pull yourself up by your bootstraps story. Unfortunately, it also leads to no one ever wanting to fuck you.

And, since no one is fucking him there seems to be some question if he is even functional. There is anecdotal information that after haranguing Jake Tapper and Chuck Todd on TV, leaving their respective studios Miller seemed to achieve a modest level of arousal—a pup tent the size of a mushroom head, indicating he might not be a total loser in that area.

Personality is where Miller receives his lowest scores. He is known to have tremendous self-confidence, however it is in service of being a total asshole. First, there is the run for student government in high school on an anti-janitor plank: “Am I the only one,” he asked, “who is sick and tired of being told to pick up my trash when we have plenty of janitors who are paid to do it for us?” There is also the story of middle school classmate Jason Ishlas who Miller stopped being friends with because Ishlas is Hispanic.  And, finally to solidify his standing as a world class asshole, Miller’s BFF at Duke University was white nationalist, neo-Nazi Richard Spencer. Imagine those white sheeted raves.

Rather than pointlessly ask normal well adjusted women about the possibility of intimacy with  Miller, like-minded colleagues were queried instead. Noted puppy killer Cruella Devil was hard, NO. Audible shrieking could be heard emanating from the gravesite of Eva Braun when presented with the question of being with Miller. NRA, spokesperson, Dana Loesch thought about it for a moment, rolled her eyes and said, “I’m dark, but not that dark.” Only FOX News host Laura Ingraham found the idea of intimacy with Miller feasible. Rubbing her icy fingers together she said, “That kid’s got spunk. I’d do a little reach around, hand release with him, but that’s it. If tries to kiss me, I’m out.”

Miller takes the reigns as least fuckable man in America from his drug addled pumpkin headed mentor, Rush Limbaugh.

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