For several years Musk, an engineer and entrepreneur, has been getting pretty far ahead of his skies on topics such as pronouns, population, the pandemic, climate change, free speech and a whole host of other things. Most recently he tried to play statesmen, proffering what world watchers called a disastrous plan to settle the war between Russia and Ukraine. He also has taken on the role as right wing nut, spreading misinformation about the attack on Paul Pelosi. 

Worst yet, since his takeover of Twitter, which some say he paid twenty billion too much for, it seems Musk is a constant in everyone’s newsfeed and they want him to shut the fuck up. Instead of endlessly running his mouth, people would like to see him get back to doing sciency stuff rather than being the guy at the end of the bar who has an opinion about everything . 

Here’s some reaction from across the globe regarding Musk’s endless commentary: 

May Ellen Hinklebomb, a fertile cashier at the “Dollar General” on Dudley Street in Texarkana, Arkansas said, “My uterus is ready, willing and able to be swelled up with Elon number eleven. I’ll ride your big white ass like it’s the Edmund Fitzgerald just as long as you keep that pie hole zipped.   

Through an interpreter Lu Kim, a starving North Korean miner said, “I give up my one bean a day to get this capitalist dog to shut fuck up.”

Taro McCarron, starter at Honiara Golf Course, Guadalcanal, Solomon Islands. “Sixteen hundred American men lost their lives during World War II defending freedom on this island and now this arrogant tosser goes around like he’s the second coming of Douglas McArthur spinning narratives based on half truths. Stupid fuck is poster boy for Dunning Kruger and should shut the fuck up.”    

Mohulude Moete, a hunter-gatherer in Botswana, Africa pointed to his ass and said the words “Elon Musk” and then held his nose as if fending off some offensive smell. He then proceeded to walk about extending his belly as if he had a big stomach while making facial gestures reminiscent of Musk, “I smart. You knucklehead.”

Mohammed Ahmed, former Egyptian political prisoner said: “In 1986, Hosni Mubarak send me to jails twenty-years for going into streets for higher pay. Please send me back to jails so I no longer listen to insufferable knob, Elon Muck.

Garth Preminger a Kingston, Ontario freelance Zamboni operator said, “Like why do I care what this hoser thinks about anything? Musk should be in a lab coming up with a fusion powered, hands free zamboni so I don’t spill any of my Molson or get any cruller crumbs on the ice while I’m working. C’mon E. stop running your mouth and make this shit happen. This is what you’re good at.”

Musk did not return calls for comment.

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Buffalo NY—Last week, powered by one passing and two running touchdowns from rookie quarterback Josh Allen  the Buffalo Bills defeated  the Minnesota Vikings 27-6. While leading the Bills to this improbable road win Allen showed exceptional athleticism— hitting the pylon while diving for a touchdown and literally jumping over Vikings linebacker Anthony Barr for a first down early in the game. Allen’s heroics have led to potential sponsorship calls from Nike Football, Bounce Magic and Sky Zone Trampoline Parks. Allen also received a pitch from Joey Carbone of Carbone Bail Bonds—Jump The Legal System, Not Bail . . . Carbone Bail Bonds . . . Western New York’s First Name in Bail Bonds.

But the most intriguing call he received this week came from Russian long jumper Darya Klishinar, who inquired about seeing Allen socially. Based in the United States, Klishinar has not been the subject of doping violations and was one of a handful of Russian athletes allowed to compete in the Rio de Janeiro Olympics where she placed 9th in the long jump. In 2017 she placed second in the World Championships in London, England.

Asked what it was about Allen that made her reach out to him, Klishinar said, “All American men I meet want to drive around in pickup truck with baseball hat turn backward, listen to dumb Toby Keith music. I see Josh Allen so passionate in competition. Such great leaping ability, I say to myself, that’s a man I want to know.”

As a world class athlete herself, Klishinar understands the time considerations and pressures facing the rookie quarterback and would like to  start slow with him. She thought they could go on an afternoon stroll in a park where they could dunk basketballs, hop over some Volkswagen Bugs or leap across a creek like at Caz Park.

Allen said he was very flattered that a great competitor like Klishinar reached out to him, but presently he is very busy with football and is not really dating. He left open the possibility getting together with her in the off season, but said what he was hoping to do was meet a Buffalo girl who was into chicken wings, cream ales and Bob Seeger.             

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