Kane received the invitation for the farewell despite being a vocal opponent of the President, not only during his time in office, but dating back to when he first heard the boorish business man run his self-aggrandizing mouth in the 1980’s. But the promise of Egg McMuffins and being there as Trump flew away from four years of American carnage was too much for the author to resist.

Catching his breath between sandwiches, Kane barely heard the soon to be former President repeat the same old lies about the “greatest economy,” with “numbers” that were “at a level that nobody had ever seen before.” or the one about “the “largest tax cut and reform in the history of our country by far.” Trying to be funny and ironic Kane started a USA, USA, USA chant. 

While the chant didn’t last long it did gain traction with a few other attendees of the farewell. Harold and Lorraine Shroggy of Lincoln, Nebraska, out on bail for their part in the Trump inspired coup attempt on January 6th enthusiastically joined Kane in the chant. Marilyn Hovenfoot from Sioux Falls, South Dakota who was brandishing a “Women For Trump,” sign joined in as well, but was greatly disappointed when the chant faded away just like the promise of a border wall or the end of Obama Care or the scourge of Covid 19, which was magically going to disappear. 

After Trump’s remarks the family: Don Jr, Eric, Ivanka and the spouses stood solemnly by their father with dejected faces as their latest grift ended. Kane, however, received a long thankful look from a misty eyed Tiffany Trump for his enthusiasm. Over at the McMuffin table again after the ceremony, Kane signaled for Tiffany to join him and when she did he was ready with half unwrapped sausage McMuffin.

Smiling, she asked , “How did you know I like the sausage McMuffin and not the regular one?”
“A man just knows these things,” Kane responded suavely.

An impish grin remained plastered on Tiffany’s face as Kane explained his support for Biden and his less than stellar numbers as an author. He also said,  later in the year he expects a further dip in his popularity when he releases his first ever book of poetry. 

“Oh my god, my father will hate a loser like you. Will you call me . . . please?” she asked with a pleading tone.

Kane agreed to call her but made Tiffany promise NOT to fall in love with him. After pausing for a moment she promised that she would do her best.

The two are scheduled to talk in the near future.

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Washington, D.C.—Coded messages from QAnon or “Q” revealed that former Secretary of State and leading Deep State operative Hillary Clinton was secretly rushed to the hospital this week after choking on the remains of imported Peruvian monks. The grilled monks, said to be rich in life extending acrolein, were served with pimento ricotta cheese on Rovira soda crackers as an appetizer during the meeting’s cocktail hour. It was the Dali Lama who first noticed Mrs. Clinton was choking while they were having a good laugh about how easy it was to fool his five-hundred million Buddhists followers into believing he was a spiritual leader rather than a member of the cabal conducting a world wide sex trafficking/pedophile ring.

QAnon is a term for a sprawling set of internet conspiracy theories that hypothesize the world is run by Deep State Satan-worshiping pedophiles and cannibals plotting against President Trump. These Deep State actors also operate a global child sex-trafficking ring. Some of its key members besides Mrs. Clinton and the Dali Lama include: Oprah, Barack Obama, Pope Francis, as well as Ellen DeGeneres and Tom Hanks.

The meeting of these Deep Staters cut short because of the Clinton incident was set to address new efficiencies in operating the sex trafficking’/pedophile ring. President Trump is the sworn enemy of the cabal and since he is indisposed while he watches Fox News, hate Tweets and eats Kentucky Fried Chicken for half the day the group sought to exploit this advantage. 

Tom Hanks was said to be very disappointed about the meeting being cut short because he had what was described as a “killer PowerPoint presentation” ready to go that was going to show how the group could really expand the pedophile ring. Hanks received solace from Oprah who reminded him and other members of the Deep State group they were playing a long game and this was just a minor setback.

Since its inception “Q,” the spiritual leader of QAnon, has provided coded messages through social media about the Deep State group. In his latest post “Q” had especially harsh words for Ellen DeGeneres, who, not only drove Clinton to the hospital, but in trying to comfort the Secretary, went on and on about the texture of the Peruvian monks soaked in pimento ricotta cheese. At one point, the comedian said that the monks were like the best chicken fingers she ever had, so it was understandable how someone could go overboard with them.

Mrs. Clinton is expected to make a full recovery.

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Washington D.C.—This past week President Trump retweeted a post from game show host Chuck Woolery saying the media, the Democrats and the CDC are lying about Covid 19 to block his reelection bid. Later in the week, the Love Connection host ironically announced his son had been diagnosed with Covid 19. After a brief statement expressing solidarity with those suffering from the disease Woolery deleted his Twitter account.

Faced with the looming crisis of reopening schools safely in the fall, as a result of Covid 19, President Trump turned to another former TV star for help, Gabriel Kaplan. Kaplan was the wisecracking teacher on the ABC comedy, Welcome Back, Kotter from 1975-79. In the series Kaplan, as Mr. Kotter taught a group of remedial students known as the “Sweathogs,” at a Brooklyn high school.

Trump said, “Many many people thought the “Sweathogs,” were hopeless, but Kotter came back to James Buchanan High and did a terrific job, maybe the best job ever, with them. They had numbers no one has seen before or since. And Vinnie Barbarino after being in Kotter’s class for a couple of years went on to play Tony Manero in Saturday Night Fever and Danny Zuko in Grease, which are perhaps the biggest roles ever.”

PBS’s Yamiche Alcindor pointed out to the President that Kotter was a fictional character in a TV show and the “Sweathogs,” made zero progress and sucked from beginning to end of the series. She then asked how consulting a person who played a teacher on TV over forty years ago was going to help with the reopening issue to which Trump responded, “That’s a nasty nasty question and you’re a nasty woman who is fake news. And I wouldn’t say getting some of the biggest roles ever or the toughest roles, remember Pulp Fiction, is nothing. Believe me, no one except maybe Walter White, who didn’t return my calls, knows more about education than me. It will be the best and really, the safest, school reopening ever. Believe me.”

For his part Kaplan said he is meeting with vice-principal Woodman, Freddy, Epstein and Horshack—Barbarino was unavailable due to his continual pursuit of the biggest roles ever. Together they are brainstorming ideas to safely return American children to school this fall. So far, they have come up with the “Horshack Holler,’ which is an app simulating Horshack’s signature “ooh ooh” bit to warn students when they have broken social distancing space guidelines. The “Horshack Holler” will be available only in suburban school districts, where privileged white kids love to narc and bully each other. Their parents also vote Republican. All ideas for inner city schools have been rejected, since students of color generally populate these schools and their parents vote for Democrats.

Additionally, President Trump is tired of all this Covid, mask wearing nonsense and is looking shake up the news cycle with a manufactured Middle East crisis. To achieve this goal he has sought the help of ole-time WWE wrestler The Iron Sheik. But the Sheik is currently in rehab recovering from an addiction to painkillers and unavailable.

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Mount Rushmore, South Dakota—Ahead of a campaign style celebration at Mount Rushmore this past Fourth of July weekend supporters of President Trump called on protesting Native Americans of the Sioux tribe to “go home.”

Trump supporters devoid of lofty concepts such as irony and not in possession of knowledge beyond FOX news, social media memes or what’s said at the front counter of gun stores, were unaware that the Black Hills of South Dakota, where Mount Rushmore is located, is considered the sacred homeland to native Lakota, and other Sioux people. Lakota tribesman, Ten Fingers, responded to the calls saying,, “Much like the supporters of the president consider any NASCAR track or beer tents at lawn fetes that serve corn dogs to be sacred, we consider the Black Hills as a holy, sacred place.  

Delayed by as much as three hours by protesters blocking Iron Mountain Road, a key artery to Mount Rushmore, frustrated advocates of the president, eager to hear what was described as a divisive culture war speech, hurled invectives at the indigenous people encouraging them to “go home.”   

Big Running Foot, a Sioux spokesperson, responded to these requests by saying, “I am home. This is my land and it’s protected by the Treaty of Laramie which was upheld by the U.S. Supreme Court in 1980. So, not only is it wrong to tell me to go home, it’s very rude.” 

Along those lines Big Running Foot’s wife, Little Trotting Doe, asked a few rhetorical questions to drive the point home, “Do we stand outside one of those stupid Kid Rock concerts and tell you to go back to the trailer park? Do we go down to the local Rod & Gun and tell you to go back to your momma’s basement? Do we stand in the ice-cream aisle of Wal-Mart and tell you to go back to your eighteen-wheeler?”

Levi Rickert, a nineteen year old Lakota college student, took a more literal approach for the calls for him to “go home.”  He left the protest and pulled up to the first house he saw with a Trump/Pence lawn sign in Rapid City, SD, north of Mount Rushmore and part of the Black Hills. He knocked on the door and introduced himself to the occupants of the house, Jean and Dan Davis and explained the whole “go home” business to them. Then he pushed his way past the somewhat stunned older couple, sat down on the couch and began watching Tiger King on Netflix with them while sharing their Tony’s frozen pizza. 

The Mount Rushmore event eventually went off and saw some 7,500 attendees hear the president say there is a new far left radicalism determined to imperil American values and erase our history.

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Buffalo, N.Y.—On Thursday medical officials and Reckitt Benckiser, the United Kingdom-based owner of Lysol rebuffed President Trump for suggesting that household disinfectant products could be used to clean the lungs of Covid-19 patients. Explicit warnings followed from manufacturers of disinfectants and the medical community to never inject or ingest these products into your body under any circumstances.

Local author P.A.Kane (look over there⇒for his books) rarely agrees with Trump about anything, but like the President, he has a free mind and often thinks outside the box. Kane was the first to suggest to Bill Gates, that we implant microchips into vaccines so people can be tracked at all times; he encouraged Kanye to meet with Trump and pimp both the MAGA hat and ideals; and he advised Peter Frampton that it would be a great career move to star alongside the Bee Gees in the 1978 movie: St. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.

Kane has been experimenting with a wide range of practices that come from not placing limitations on what is possible. In addition to being a free thinker, the local author is an advocate for developing critical thinking skills, which requires a great deal of reading. But reading is time consuming and time, even in a shutdown, needs to be used wisely. So, Kane has begun to test the idea of reading by paper transmissions. He’s still working out the math, but in short the idea is to press three books at once against the front and sides of your head and will the information into your brain. Results have been inconclusive thus far, but Kane has been noting certain trends:   

1. Recycled paper seems to aid in conveyance and feels nicer against your head than new stock paper.
2. Three steaming cups of black coffee or one Red Bull prior to reading loosens the receptors in the brain increasing the probability of transference. A fourth cup of coffee or a second red bull is too much.
3. The left side of his head (Goodbye Columbus, Philip Roth side), sends greater impulses to the brain.
4. Fiction seems to transmit better than non-fiction.

Other findings have been less promising but he will continue to work the process.

Where Kane has hit pay dirt, is his experiments with light waves. Like President Trump, who suggested using ultraviolet or some other powerful form of light to fight Covid -19, Kane has been trying to improve his sex-life through black light immersion—black light—the light of love.  Kane has been sleeping in a bed surrounded by black light while silent radio waves of Drake’s forty sexiest tunes wash over him during the night. Mrs. Kane says her husband is about a million ab-crunches and six-months of dance lessons away from approximating any of Drake’s coolness, but since he has employed this technique she has been strangely open to the occasional reach around.

Another area of progress Kane has made is in his forty yard dash time. The improvement can be traced to the practice of soaking his feet in a bowl of water doused with a powder form of cheetah blood. His forty time has gone from 10.9 down to 10.1. He’s hoping to get the time down to 7.5- 8 range. Kane cannot point to how reducing his forty time will improve his life whatsoever. The sole reason for this undertaking is that Kane has always been kind of a fat slow guy and this summer, if we are ever released from home confinement, he hopes to smoke a few of his friends (other slow fat guys) in the forty while out drinking and then bust their balls unmercifully like an eleven year old boy.   

While it is unlikely the local author will ever find much common ground with President Trump, he does know that new breakthroughs only occur through brave, unbridled experimentation and thinking outside the box. 

The post Local Author Thinking Outside The Box Just Like President Trump appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Washington D.C.— Inside sources say later this week President Trump will have the ShamWow pitchman, Vince Shlomi make an appearance at his daily press briefing to demonstrate how to effectively clean surfaces potentially infected with Covid-19. Trump has already brought Mike Lindell, the “My Pillow” guy. and other CEO’s to the briefing podium to address the Covid-19 crisis. Additionally, the President checked on the availability of pitchmen Jared Fogle from Subway and Billy Mays, the OxyClean guy. Fogle presently is serving 13-15 years in a federal penitentiary for the distribution and receipt of child pornography and Billy Mays died in 2009 of a heart attack, resulting, most likely, from cocaine use.

The “My Pillow,” guy, Mike Lindell took to the podium and explained how in three days he reconfigured 75% of  his pillow making plant to manufacture upwards of 50K Covid-19 fighting cotton masks daily. From there Lindell went a little off the rails thanking God for the grace he showed the U.S. by delivering Donald Trump to the Presidency on November 8, 2016. He then said more crazy shit about using this sheltering in place time to study the bible and to heal ourselves through daily prayer. 

Shlomi, the ShamWow guy, is not expected to make any religious statements and will focus instead on adding a little flash to the tedious pressers. Trump, recently noted that his press briefings have numbers comparable to the popular reality show “The Bachelor,” and wants to keep the momentum going.

Regarding Shlomi’s upcoming appearance the President said, “We have so many great important partners fighting the Covid virus, and it’s never been done before these great numbers for a President’s press briefings, numbers that are like number-one prime-time numbers and you know we have the best numbers. So we asked Vince Shlomi, a terrific guy who, to be fair, has run into some issues with prostitutes, but haven’t we all, and it’s not good but I can tell you, Shlomi is going to show us how to fight germs. Germs, we don’t like germs. Germs, not good.”

The President hinted that there may be other pitchmen coming to the White House press briefings soon. “I can tell you there are some really big names, really the biggest names. Names like Ron Popiel and Billy Blanks and George Foreman. Maybe we can get my terrific black friend, Mike Tyson to mix it up with Foreman at one of the briefings. Those numbers would be the best numbers. Numbers like no one ever thought possible.” 

A spokesman for the President said the intention of having celebrity pitchmen at the pressers is to draw a contrast with the low energy, fact filled daily briefings of New York Governor, Andrew  Cuomo. The administration feels from a numbers standpoint Cuomo is a real zero. His grim predictions and constant begging for equipment and supplies is a real turn off to people and will soon be reflected in really low numbers. 

Covid-19 is expected to reach its apex in New York in the next two-three weeks and then spread out across the country. Those numbers suggest that upwards of 240,000 people could die from the virus.

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