The resulting weight gain caused Biggers to get all sweaty and red in the face putting on his socks. He would need help getting up from the couch. And, he would become winded walking to the kitchen for another handful of chips. This all caused him to become severely depressed. 

Enough was enough and on January 9, 2023 Biggers started a combo keto/intermittent fasting diet. The diet consisted of no carbs or sugar and fasting for eighteen hours between dinner and lunch. The results were immediate. He lost five pounds in just a few days and now five-weeks into the program he’s dropped thirty pounds and is feeling great.

So much so he regrettably posted a shirtless selfie on social media highlighting his recent weight loss. He also accompanied the selfie by calling out several women by name, saying he would be going on a charm offensive and they wouldn’t be able to resist his advances or his new and improved body. Unfortunately, Biggers is still short on charm and several thousand salads from being fit. 

Here is some of the reaction from the selfie:

Judy from accounting- “Not if you lost fifty more pounds wrapped yourself in a thousand condoms and won the lottery you dork.”

Gail from the diner- “Hey Lancy baby, in spite of years of chincy fifty-cent tips, yeah, call me. My number is 1-800-GoFuckurselfyoufuckingloser—it’s an international number.”

Jerri from bookclub- “I’m flattered Lance, but you know in bookclub how sometimes a character comes to a gruesome end? Well, I would rather be hacked into a thousand little pieces with a dull machete and then have my bloody remains eaten by buzzards before getting with you and your sloppy little body.” 

Jen from UPS- “You know how the package transaction between us, where you look at me like you’re R. Kelly and I’m a teenager, lasts two-seconds? Well it’s not two-seconds for me. From the moment I see your little Star Wars figurines or your Pokémon cards on my truck in the morning I feel this dread and question all my life choices: Why didn’t I study harder in school? Why didn’t I marry for money? Why do I live in a country where I can’t just punch a motherfucker in the face who looks at me with creepy R.Kelly eyes? So, no…just no, you mutant.”

Not only did Biggers regret posting the selfie, he was completely traumatized by the savage rejection. To deal with the pain he got himself a Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino, a large bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and of course, a Super Mighty Pack—extra sour cream. 

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Despite being the strongest recorded earthquake in Western New York in the last forty years no damage was reported. The office of the U.S.Geological Survey traced the origin of the earthquake to the South Buffalo home of Jack Conrad about 1.5 miles from the epicenter.

Scientists from the Geological Survey said the forceful and continuous pressure originating in the outlet valves of Conrad’s home were so dynamic it resulted in the shifting of earthen plates in West Seneca. Conrad did acknowledge that just prior to the earthquake he was on the toilet in the midst of a mass evacuation as the result of a two day Mighty Taco binge.

Recalling the events of that morning later in the week from a barstool at the Blackthorn, Conrad took a big pull on his Guinness and explained he was at home catching up on some “Price Is Right” when he got a Mighty Taco hankering. “Not many people know this but I’m a ‘Price is Right’ expert,” he said. “It’s true, I’m really good, especially at the games ‘Cover Up’ and ‘Cliff Hanger’ and of course the ‘Showcase Showdown.’ I’m always under. I’m pretty good at the ‘$100,000 Pyramid’ too. C’mon give me a clue, I’ll guess that shit right away.”

Reminded we were here to talk about the earthquake Conrad got back on track, “Yeah, yeah—everybody knows I’m a Abbott Texas Hots guy, but like I said for some reason I got this Mighty Taco itch. I had DoorDash deliver a Super Mighty pack at lunchtime, which is four big burritos—hot. But as good as those bad boys are, they never make them hot enough. So I dolled them up with Frank’s Hot Sauce to an atomic, vaporize your G.I. track level—so good. Later, at dinnertime I still had a hankering and got another Super Mighty pack and some other things: chili, nachos, a salad, cookies. I even tried some of that plant-based impossible meat, which was shit compared to a ground up cow.”   

Conrad went on explaining the Mighty Taco urge continued the next day when he was watching some vintage Bob Barker “Price Is Right” from the early 90’s on The Game Show Network. “Did you know during ‘Pathfinder’ I guessed the exact price of a 1991 Pontiac Sunbird?—$8,784. It was kind of cheating because I had a ‘91 Sunbird. It was my first brand new ride. I was so smooth in that two-door love machine. I’d cruise down the street playing Jackson Browne’s Greatest Hits and all the girls hanging in front of Abbott Pizza would be checking me out. Those were the days.”

Redirected again, he said, “So I’m downing Mighty Taco stuff all day Sunday watching ‘Price,’ Josh play at ‘Pebble Beach’ and later the ‘Pro Bowl.’ Late in the day I’m feeling all clogged, but just couldn’t turn it over. I was sick all night and couldn’t sleep. I’m tossing and turning when finally at about 5:45am I knew the boom was about to be lowered. I ran to the bathroom like a gazelle. Most people would have been all frantic and been like a jack-ass, but I ran to the bathroom like a gazelle and lowered the boom.

My asshole was like a reverse engineered volcano pouring out molten lava. Luckily I have one of those new fangled quick fill toilets and I was able to flush and flush and flush. When I was done after about ten-minutes smoke filled the bathroom and my ass was like a red hot meat fiddle that just played “Devil Went Down to Georgia” four-hundred tmes. Fifteen minutes later—earthquake.”

Conrad apologized for any confusion or upset he might have caused anyone . . . “because everyone knows I’m a lover, not a fighter.” Still he thought it was pretty cool to be the epicenter of the strongest earthquake in Western New York in forty-years.      

The post Jack Conrad’s Two Day Mighty Taco Binge Triggers West Seneca Earthquake appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Clarence, NY—For years Clarence residents, Frank & Marie Stonefinger, Teddy & Stephanie Woppelganger and John & Stella Hobbletree have gotten together twice a month for dinner and drinks. But in this unique Covid year the friends’ routine has been severely disrupted, to the point they hadn’t gathered since the waning days of summer. To remedy this they constructed a carefully planned, masked, socially distanced pre-Thanksgiving dinner at the Woppleganger’s house. Prior to the dinner the couples also quarantined for two-weeks, but it was all for naught when Frank took a giant and embarrassing shit in the half-bathroom adjacent to the Woppleganger’s dining area.

The Wednesday night dinner started out in a typical way with drinks, laughs and a little passive-aggressive bullshit on the part of Stella, who always seemed to out shop Marie and Stephanie. This time it was on some throw pillows which Stella bought for $12.99 on Amazon while Stephanie paid $14.99 at Home Goods for the exact same product. Stephanie defended the purchase with an extreme eye roll and by saying she liked to touch things before she bought them. But otherwise, it was a good night till just before dinner when Frank took his giant shit. 

One of the guys in Frank’s contracting company had brought in a bunch of cured deer jerky from a recent kill, which Frank had been downing with hot sauce during the day as if they were skittles dipped in crystal meth. That, coupled with the Super Mighty pack-double jalapenos-he inhaled Tuesday night led to the explosion. His wife Marie, knew there was going to be trouble when she heard him yell ‘Whoa” from inside the bathroom as they sat down to eat. Her fears were confirmed when the rank odor of million year old rotten eggs started to emanate from the bathroom as Frank opened the door a crack to ask the Woppleganger’s where they kept the plunger. After some banging around Frank emerged from the restroom looking whiter than armed protesters gathering on the steps Michigan state house saying, “Taco Tuesday, what a bitch.” 

The men laughed covering their noses on top of the masks they were already wearing as the smell of the rotten eggs morphed into the aroma of a thousand set on fire assholes assaulted the dining area. They went forward with the meal despite some coughing and choking, but after Stephanie ran into the yard to vomit, Frank’s wife Marie suddenly felt a migraine coming on and asked to go home. When Frank objected, just as the color was coming back into his face, Marie shot him the same deadly look as when they were first dating and he made an off color remark about the shape of his future mother-in-law’s ass.

Both Stella and Stephanie played along with the fake migraine story saying how sorry they were that they had to leave and then ran to open every window in the house. Later, after the house had aired out a bit, the Wopplegangers and the Hobbletrees stood in awe around the toilet as the porcelain bowl seemed to be dissolving from the shit Frank had dropped earlier. Teddy quipped, “This is the science experiment I always wanted to do in grade school.”

After being harangued by Marie all the way home Frank was made to sleep in the garage where remnant ass vapors ate through his boxers and sweatpants. 

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