As readers will recall from Dante Alighieri’s “The Divine Comedy,” the poem is broken into three books: Heaven (Paradiso), Hell (Inferno) and Purgatory (Purgatorio). Those whose earthly time was marked by exceptional deeds progress immediately to Heaven, while the unrepentant transition to Hell. However, the vast majority of us—sinners who ask for forgiveness—move on to one of the seven terraces of Purgatory where they are afforded the opportunity to work off their sins. The terraces include: Pride, Envy, Wrath, Sloth, Greed, Gluttony and Lust.  

Upon his arrival at Gate, Conrad lobbied St. Peter for his quick admission to Heaven making the argument that being a Buffalo Bills and Sabres fan for nearly six decades is time served in Hell and should be enough to place him in the upper realm. He was summarily dismissed, but before going asked for examples of those who recently received instant admission and was told: Pat Schroeder, Willis Reed and Harry Belafonte .

Conrad agreed the pioneering female Congress person, Pat Schroder was worthy, as was Willis Reed who played on one-leg in game-seven of the NBA Finals in 1970, but he took umbrage with Belafonte. In a voice too loud for the normally sedate spectral realm he told St. Peter: “Okay Belafonte did some great things for civil rights, but that “Banana Boat Song”—what the hell is that? Don’t answer, I’ll tell you what it is: it’s a goddamn aural nightmare, that’s what it is. Belafonte should get forty or fifty years of cleaning garbage cans or something for that song.

When St. Peter told him to return to the line he sidled up next to recently departed Raquel Welch. Expressing surprise that she didn’t advance immediately to heaven with a big creepy smile, Raquel graciously responded she was guilty of envy: “You know, back in the 70’s I was jealous of all the heat both Faye Dunaway and that bitch (oops!) Meryl Streep were getting. So, I have a little work to do here.”

Conrad responded, “After watching “One Million B.C.” me and all my fourth-grade St. Ambrose buddies kind of figured out that our penises had another purpose besides taking a whizz and that was all you Big R. When my mom caught me noodling about down there she told me I was going to get styes around my eyes if I didn’t stop—Mom could be such a bullshitter.
And as far as Faye Dunaway and Meryl Streep go—No one, I mean no one ever found their penis watching goddamn “Network” or “Kramer vs. Kramer.” You should be in heaven right now for all the penises you brought into the game.” 

After Raquel slipped away and hid behind Jerry Springer, Conrad found Oakland A’s flamer Vida Blue and talked him into a pitching contest. When Vida won Conrad accused him of doctoring the ball. He then challenged Jim Brown to an arm wrestling contest and when the former all-pro running back threw him to the ground like a rag doll, Conrad said, “We’re both going to be here awhile. I’ll be back.”

After he stood up, dusted himself off and started to walk in the direction of Gordon Lightfoot to tell him he’s no Jackson Browne, Conrad thought to himself—Purgatory is a lot more interesting now that I’m here. 

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I first became aware of Jack from the neighborhood and Stingray football at Okell Field in the early 70’s, but it wasn’t until high school when he transferred from Timon to South Park that I really got to know him. We sat at the same lunch table and we played on the Spark baseball team. Jack was a pitcher and his lively arm was a welcome addition to our pedestrian rotation. But there was more to Jack than just throwing a baseball, and it was evident from the moment you met him—he was a character. Loud, outspoken, kind hearted, inappropriate, exasperating and freaking hilarious—a character. A high South Buffalo honor.

I lost track of Jack after high school except for occasionally seeing him at Caz Golf Course on a few select Sunday nights at 6pm when I tried to get a quick nine in for five bucks. By that time of day Jack was surrounded by empty pitchers of beer, all red-faced with his car backed up in front of the clubhouse blaring his beloved Jackson Browne. You know, just being the character known as Jack Conrad. 

The arrival of social media made it possible to connect with Jack again. Not much had changed—he was still the same vexing and lovable Jack: bitching about a Grubhub driver who went to his side door despite getting explicit instructions to go to the back door. Or in a post describing a neighbor as an “asshole” for the way he cleared the snow with his snowblower. And who could forget his unflinching support of Nathan Peterman as the Bills starting quarterback, even after the former Pitt Panther threw five first-half interceptions in his 2018 NFL debut. 

In all, Jack was the subject of ten Buffalo Mud articles. In the beginning, when I had an idea for a post I would ask if he was alright with it because not everyone likes having the Mud style of fun poked at them. He told me flat out— “You never have to ask, I love this.” Then he proceeded to inform me about a woman who stopped him in Wegmans and asked: “Are you that guy from the Buffalo Mud articles?” That’s also what was endearing about Jack, he was always in on the joke even when it was at his expense, especially when it was at his expense.

So let us take a moment of silence to honor the son, brother, father, friend Jack was as he passes on to his next destination. South Buffalo and the world is a little less colorful, less rich with him gone. 

Deepest condolences to the entire Conrad family.

South Buffalo Man Misplaces His Ass
South Buffalo Man’s Misplaced Ass: FOUND
Ambiguous Door Leads To Verbal Exchange Between Grubhub Driver And Customer
Local Woman Unsure If She Should Accept Friend Request From Jack Conrad
Update: Jack Conrad Is Now A Crazy Cat Lady
Jack Conrad Prompts Area Women To Question The Necessity Of Men
Survey Reveals Everybody Wants More Jack Conrad- But Mostly From A Distance
Crush On Georgia Congresswoman Leads Jack Conrad to Join GOP
Christmas Shopping With Jack Conrad
Jack Conrad’s Two Day Mighty Taco Binge Triggers West Seneca Earthquake

The post A Moment Of Silence For South Buffalo Legend Jack Conrad appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Burkey, who is normally ultra resourceful, told Conrad that he couldn’t find the jersey anywhere, at any price—whether Bills/Raiders/Bears. Said he called all his contacts, even the ethically challenged ones, and none of them would agree to put together a jersey for a QB with career stats of 3TDS/12INTs and a 34.0 passer rating. 

Pulling on his first Guinness of the day next door at the Bistro after exiting Burkey’s, Conrad was telling bar staff in an elevated, unrepentant voice to mark his words: “Nathan Peterman will be a viable starter in the NFL.” The kid stocking the cooler, who was barely of age responded, “Please stop yelling at me sir. The bartender will be back in a moment or maybe you could get some friends to yell at about this Nathan Peterman guy.”

After silently finishing his beer Conrad went to Dick’s Sporting Goods at the Galleria Mall and inquired about the Peterman jersey and again came up empty. He told the teenage girl who was helping him out he had the same problem back in the 70’s trying to get a Gary Maragi jersey. “Sure he was 0-7 with 7TD’s and 16INTS after relieving Fergy in ‘76, but it would have been a different story if they brought him back in ‘77.” With big eyes the girl pressed the silent “HELP” button under the counter and a manager quickly appeared and asked Conrad if he needed help finding something else. Conrad just grumbled and headed toward the golf equipment.  

After looking at some drivers Conrad went over to the simulated putting area and picked out a thirty-three inch Odyssey “White Hot” putter. As he was rolling them in from fifteen feet a woman asked him if that was a good putter. Said she was looking for one for her husband. He told her for the price it was the best one on the market. 

Then he went on explaining, as he continued to roll them in, about his acumen from forty feet out in the Caz Men’s League. “Oh yeah,” he said, “I’ve made so many between twenty and forty feet the guys started to call them Conrads. They say: ‘You got a Conrad there. Knock it in.’” The woman, not really sure what to make of him, slowly backed away without a putter just as he started to aimlessly ramble about all his hole-in-ones at Caz number three.  

More JC: Crush On Georgia Congresswoman
Leads Jack Conrad to Join GOP

 Coming up empty on the Peterman jersey, Conrad stopped at the Blackthorn on his way home. Pulling on another Guinness while watching some news about Aaron Judge’s new contract with the Yankees, Conrad asked Sully the bartender if he knew who came up with the split-finger-fastball? Sully hung his head, “You Jack. You came up with the split-finger-fastball at South Park High School in the early 80’s but Bruce Sutter gets all the credit. You’ve told me this story fifty times.” 

Taken aback, there was an awkward silence between Conrad and Sully as the news transitioned to Josh Allen’s leaping exploits. After a moment, and watching another highlight of the Bills QB, Conrad tells Sully, “You know, besides the split-finger I was also the inspiration for the Josh Allen leaps. Back in ‘71 as a Stingray Devil rather than running someone over I would go air-born and pick up those last few tough yards playing TYRO football. I’m sure Josh heard about me and maybe saw my reel and then incorporated it into his game. But it’s okay. I don’t need any credit, as long as he brings a Super Bowl to Buffalo.” 

Frustrated about the jersey Conrad picked up a steak sub from Mr. Submarine on South Park and a sixer of Guinness. Once home, he cracked a beer and unwrapped the sub while he looked at some cute cat pics on the internet and listened with glee to the Chieftains Christmas album featuring Jackson Browne.

Despite the day’s disappointment, he was far from beaten. In fact, as he grew sleepy, he was overcome with a blissful sense of calm and thought to himself: ‘I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow and be Jack Conrad all over again.’  

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Buffalo, NY—As Buffalo Mud reestablishes its web presence after going dark for several months it conducted a short survey with readers asking what stories they most wanted to hear about going forward. As always, there was great interest in Amazon’s 1.5 millionth ranked author, P.A.Kane. There also was a clamor for stories about crybaby white people whose freedom is imperiled by a life saving vaccine, Donald Trump’s mutant penis and and everyone’s favorite South Buffalonian—Jack Conrad. While there was a great desire for more stories about Conrad and his missing ass, his encounters with Grub hub drivers and women leery of becoming Facebook friends with him, there was a preference to have these encounters at a distance.

Though the South Buffalo legend can be loud and boorish, he does have a bit of self-awareness and was surprised as anyone people were clamoring for him- see below. And while people overwhelmingly wanted to know what he was up to, it was apparent they desired this information in the abstract. They wanted to hear a second hand story about Jack pontificating at the bar rail on his pitching exploits at South Park High School in the 1980’s. They would be thrilled to be in their car and see him chiding his neighbor about snow blowing “like an asshole” on a cold winter day. And they wanted to be fly on the wall at the Brick Oven Bistro as he gets some facts about single payer healthcare wrong, but wins the argument because he is louder, more passionate than his counterpart. 

Here’s a smattering of survey responses from Buffalo Mud readers regarding the legend that is Jack Conrad. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Nolan Zuchoid– This stupid rag endlessly focuses on local author P.A. Kane and his self-indulgent, shit for brains books. Waaa—you went bald when you were twenty. Get over yourself you narcissistic tosser. We need more stories about edgy, interesting people like Jack Conrad, who blows shit up every time he opens his mouth. I don’t necessarily want to be in his presence, but I’d to hear about his over the top shit-talking second hand.

Morgan Ala-Marita– I’d like more Jack Conrad profiles. He’s a sweet guy with a good heart and I’m always pulling for him. Further personal growth on his part would mean I might be able to come out from the shadows and rescind the restraining order I had put in place against him in the 90’s. That would be great for the both of us.  

Pistachio Ferry– You know since I became a twelve-stepper I can’t really hang with Jack anymore, but I love living vicariously through him and thinking about all the good times we had at the Stone Bridge in Caz Park. I also like to think about how we’re so not gay straight because we never actually kissed on the Stone Bridge. We did some other things—wink wink—but we never kissed.

Curtimo Keuin– I love Jack Conrad, but whenever I’m around him I end up on a three day bender and question all of my life choices. I also always end up smelling like a bag of dirty laundry. So, to keep the Jack Conrad demons at bay I’ve taken to carrying a pocket full of Tide Pods around with me, which I almost never ingest. Okay, so I do a few Tide Pods here and there but they never take me to that dark Jack Conrad place and I’m always one cycle away from fresh boxers and clean socks.

Look for more Jack Conrad in the coming issues of Buffalo Mud.

The post Survey Reveals Everybody Wants More Jack Conrad- But Mostly From A Distance appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Buffalo, NY—Judging from a slew of pictures populating his Facebook wall it appears that everyone’s favorite South Buffalonian, Jack Conrad is now a crazy cat lady. Gone from his page are any pleas to help him find his ass. There is no more support for former Bills QB Nathan Peterman. There also is no talk about the way his asshole neighbor cuts his lawn or references to delivery people going to his side door rather than his back door. It’s just cats. Cutesy videos of cats—cats watching babies and pictures of his cats eating. And there’s some panda and dog videos as well. But mostly cats.

Some have speculated that this softening of Conrad is the result of months of Covid 19 restrictions where he has had little else to do besides interact with his pets and listen to his collection of sensitive Jackson Browne records. Co-workers at M.Purtill Plumbing have noted the change in Conrad, saying he’s started to come into work wearing prayer beads and earth shoes. He also burns scented candles at his desk and reads the Bhagaved Gita on his lunch. He has a kind word for everyone and now seems a little ashamed when he burps or farts in public.  

This is not to say Conrad has completely gone over to the cat side—plenty of memes and complaints about Trump still show up on his wall. Also, there was a return to normalcy on June16th with the limited re-opening of Abbott Texas Red Hots. If there’s anything that shows the old fire still burns in Conrad, it’s his enduring love of fries and hot dogs soaked in meaty brown Texas muck.

When asked if his cats have changed him over the last several months, Conrad initially took a defensive posture, but quickly melted into “crazy cat lady ”mode, “I’m doing the community a favor. There’re all these assholes out there who love these cats when their kittens, but the second they get a urinary tract infection or rip up a couch they send them off to the SPCA. That’s where I found my fluffy boy, Reggie and my baby girl Mia and my widdle wascal, Binx. That widdle wascal Binx sleeps on my head and fluffy boy cuddles under my chin and baby girl Mia always finds my crotch.”

After making these statements an uncomfortable, awkward silence followed before Conrad started to tell the story of how he got a hole-in-one on the seven-hole at Caz one Sunday afternoon and put $432.00 on his credit card buying beers for everyone.  

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