Said the President, “These kids are major losers. They all came here today with their lunatic left, DEI mindset, thinking they would just be given eggs instead of having to do the hard work of finding them. Sure, I had Little Marco crawling around on the ground finding eggs for me, and Stephen Miller upended all the fast and shifty brown and black kids, but I can tell you this, when it comes to coloring and egg rolls (both at the White House and Number One Kitchen), it’s all about winning, and I am the winningest, winner in the history of our country. No one has ever won like me, your favorite president.”

“Also, a lot of people are saying I should ship all those loser kids like Riley and Grayson and Zoey, who cried like little bitches after I beat them, off to the El Salvador prisons. Like Mike Pence, they couldn’t be counted on to fight for our country when things got tough. I can tell you this, I would’ve liked to have shipped off these weak assed kids, but we grifted something like $200K from corporate sponsors, and it wouldn’t be a good business to send these little losers to the El Salvador gulag, since I’ll need to shake these sponsors down again in the very near future.”

Future egg rolls are expected to be rebranded as “The Donald Trump Egg Roll.” The event will feature golden eggs and a golden trophy embossed with the president’s image. 

Details to follow as the president is again expected to spend the day haranguing another major loser, Fed Chairman Jerome Powell, and thus evaporate trillions more from Americans’ bank accounts.  

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Members of the Constitutional Coalition of NY State, which has been identified as a “hate group” by the Southern Poverty Law Center, said they would like the president to keep his eye on the prize—intimidating and threatening brown people. They were extremely pleased with the rendition of alleged MS-13 gang members from Venezuela to a notorious prison in El Salvador based on tattoos, hoodies, and hats. But now, there seems to be no second act.

Longtime organizer Whitey Whitehead said, “I want vulnerable brown people to feel unwelcome and scared. I also want to make all those elitist liberals with their fancy degrees and full complements of teeth to cry and be obedient. I want these assholes to suffer. Trump is a master at abusing people. That’s where his focus needs to be—not the economy.”

Members of the Moms for Liberty Erie County, identified by SPLC as a hate group, also hoped the president would stop tinkering with the economy and get back to pressuring undesirable elements wreaking havoc in America. 

Sharon Steeplebutt, a Liberty mom, sighed and said, “I was really excited when Trump got back in. Finally, I thought, there’s a man in the White House with my values—a man who would inflict pain on illegals and humiliate members of the LGBTQ community. Someone who would stand up for white people and Christianity. You know, the Bible is his favorite book. I know he says it’s The Art of the Deal, but I really think it’s the Bible—the Old Testament Bible where sinners get turned into pillars of salt. But now, he’s playing around with tariffs and markets. He needs to get back to his core issue of inflicting pain. Maybe that little prick, Stephen Miller, can get him to refocus.

Here are thoughts from other Western New York supporters of the president:

Clem Huskins of East Otto said, “I don’t know nothin’ about no markets, but I do need Trump and Elon to keep firing all those people studying gay frogs and bisexual salamanders, so I can get my DOGE check and finish my meth lab.”

Karen Posington of Clarence expressed concerns over the lack of movement on jailing political opponents. “Sure, this week he ordered investigations of that Anonymous guy from his first term, Miles Taylor and that cyber security expert Chris Krebs, but when is Hillary and Barack “Hussein” Obama going to jail?”

Santiago Sorra of North Buffalo said, “Trump started out like a kid in a candy shop, insulting and humiliating people like Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, who showed up to the White House in a sweat suit looking like a fidget. When is he going to stop messing with all this tariff business and get back to destroying people? Like that donut-eating clown that is now the Prime Minister of Canada,  Mike Carney. 

With likely changes in policy in the coming weeks, markets are expected to remain volatile.

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Informed of the plot the oompa loompa-colored former president said, “I can tell you this, I never wanted to hire Bolton or his disgusting low energy mustache. Just like deranged Jack Smith and racist Fanny Willis want to take away my freedom, so does that awful unfair mustache, which a lot of people, quite frankly, are saying is filled with walrus snot. But as we know, these horrible people and these horrible mustaches only want to take away my freedom so they can take away your freedom.”

According to sources the plan hatched by the Ned Flanders like mustache, with the help of Bolton’s equally intrepid eyebrows, was to attach themselves on Trump’s head at his ears, eyes and nose like a sticky immovable centipede and slowly drive him crazy thus rendering him incapacitated and unable to run for office.

Asked for comment the intrepid mustache would neither confirm or deny there was a plot or a plot was imminent, but it did say, “You know it’s very reasonable to think that having a patch of my bodacious stachness aqua netted to someone’s face would drive them a little nuts with Bolton being the exception—on that ancient crotchety grill, I look so sweet. That aside, it’s also reasonable to think that it would drive a big dummy like Trump, who is little more than a 300 lb, 215 lb toddler, absolutely bonkers. Let’s not forget that the vain bloviating combover is quite the germaphobe and he doesn’t like mosquitos—all filthy and furry after a Bolton sneeze he’d be done for.” 

Incredibly enough Trump holds a forty point lead among primary voters for the Republican nomination and is neck and neck with Joe Biden in general election polling. Curling into a big smile the intrepid mustache looking like the biggest pushbroom ever to sit in an aisle at Home Depot chuckled, “Trust that a hairy centipede such as myself at the ears, eyes and nose could finish off this creamsicle manbaby once and for all and end this eight year nightmare. Tell me, what’s the purpose of all this intrepidness, if not that?”  

The process for selecting a Republican candidate for president begins with the  Iowa Caucuses on January 15, 2024.

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World Wide Web—MAGAMingle.US is a dating platform designed for like-minded people on the right side of the political spectrum. MAGAMingle.US, is where Trump/MAGA supporters, conservatives, republicans, Tea Party members, populists, classical liberals, libertarians and freedom loving Americans can chat up others who also believe Democratic pedophile rings operate in the basements of pizza shops, that numbers, facts and peer reviewed science is just a bunch of liberal bullshit and where grabbing a woman by the pussy isn’t assault, but rather a loving kind of foreplay that ends with the meatloaf special at the Cracker Barrel. 

Both men and women agree MAGAMingle fills a real need. While patrons of the right-wing platform typically don’t have as many teeth or high school diplomas as potential partners at other dating sites there are a lot less awkward situations and the getting to know you period is much smoother. Users complained that when you dated people from other sites you had to be very careful bringing up topics like: stop the steal, the uselessness of vaccines and the immigrant problem. But when you’re out with a MAGAMingle person it’s a given that Joe Biden is a senile old fuck who really isn’t the President, Fauci is a senile old fuck and a quack and we need to build the wall like—fuckin’ yesterday.

Calvin Finklefan, a building inspector in St. Louis is a huge fan of the platform. “I was having a beautiful dinner at Denny’s with a woman named Urlene—she raises chickens and bakes pies—when this black guy comes into the restaurant. Of course he ordered the “Plate Lickin’ Chicken Fried Chicken,” and though he ate his meal quietly, I knew he was up to no good and Urlene knew it too. We followed him to make sure he made it back to his side of the Delmar Divide. When he went into a house not far from the restaurant we pulled over and watched that house all night. After Urlene dozed off with her head on my shoulder smelling like a tuna melt I thought to myself—a woman cozying up to me after a night at Denny’s and racial profiling a black guy—god bless MAGAMingle.”

Personal Care Aide, Jenny Bumplefine has been very pleased with the type of men she’s been meeting at MAGAMingle. “Guys from other sites are always trying to show me they’re respectable and good earners. The MAGAMingle guys just kind of instinctively know the way to get my yoga pants off and remove my glass eye—which drives them sooooo crazy—is a twelve pack of Busch Lite and a day out in the country blowing up squirrels and rabbits with a twelve gauge shotgun. It’s just so nice to not deal with bullshit and be in tune with a man. Last night this dope MAGA guy took me a highway overpass where we waved a Trump flag, did shots of Fireball and shouted at liberals who flipped us off that they can go fuck themselves. H-E-A-V-E-N.”       

The cost of MAGAMingle is approximately forty dollars per month. A portion of that fee is donated to the Trump Legal Defense Fund—in other words Donald Trump’s bank account.

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Washington, D.C.—Tiffany Trump, the daughter of the former president Donald Trump from his only American wife, Marla Maples, reached out to January 6th Select Committee chairman Bennie Thompson (D. MS) this past weekend with an offer to testify before the bi-partisan body. After considering what Ms. Trump, a recent graduate of Georgetown Law, had to offer in the way of relevant information the committee chose to pass.

Representative Adam Schiff (D. CA) explained that he and other members of the Select Committee were grateful to any American who stepped forward to contribute to the investigation, but Ms. Trump not only didn’t have any relevant information, she barely knew her father. Said Schiff, “Quite frankly, based on social media posts alone, we found I’m much more on the former president’s mind than Tiffany. Furthermore, we told her, recounting the times he threw plates against the wall, called Don Jr. and Eric meatheads or made creepy passes at your girlfriends, while disturbing, doesn’t really get at what we’re trying to accomplish here.”

Tiffany acknowledged she has been unsuccessful in her efforts to obtain even the most basic consideration from her father and reaching out to the committee was a longshot for a little attention. Despondently she said, “He doesn’t seem to realize, now that I’m a lawyer, I could bring the crazy like Rudy and Sidney. On top of that I could also incessantly whine and complain about how unfairly he’s treated by both the fake news and the Unselect Committee just like my dumb half-brothers, Don Jr. and Eric. And the family grift . . . that china doll, Ivanka and slim suit, Kushner would have nothing on me. But, he just won’t give me a chance.”

The only thing that seemed to get the former president’s attention at all was when Tiffany briefly spent some time at the Egg McMuffin table with local author P.A.Kane the day he departed from Washington for the last time on January 20, 2021. Through surrogate Hope Hicks, Tiffany was informed the President will not tolerate any of his children associating with people whose numbers are as terrible as Kane’s. Currently, Kane is ranked the 1.5 millionth most popular author on Amazon. 

Local Author Catches The Eye of Tiffany Trump At President’s Farewell

Tiffany went on to say, “I suppose if I pursued a relationship with Kane that would have eventually got his attention and produced a showdown. But as much as I want that, I don’t think it’s in my best interest to be associated with someone with such terrible numbers either. I’m considering other avenues like doing the non-binary thing, maybe dating Jim Acosta or becoming a member of Antifa.”

Tiffany said she used to dream about how her fate might have been different if her mother was Croatian or Czechoslovakian rather than American, but ultimately that was a dead end and it’s healthier just to play the hand she was dealt.      

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Washington, D.C.—As Joe Biden ushers in a more traditional presidency progressive supporters are breathing a sigh of relief. These same progressive supporters however, also find themselves wondering which Applebee’s location Kayleigh McEnany is bartending at and where Stephen Miller is holding his KKK meetings. And, some have even come forward and admitted they’re kind of missing Trump and his bullshit.

As horrible, corrupt and incompetent as Trump was as president there was never a dull moment. From the Mexicans are rapist comment to saying he won the popular vote in 2016 to pushing Clorox and Ultraviolet light as Covid therapies to being a very stable genius, it was a shit show of epic proportions that kept friend and foe alike waiting for the next crazy tweet or incoherent statement.

Lanie Barklvr, an environmental activist from Riverside said, “I’ve disliked Trump from the moment I heard him speak back in the 80’s and I’ve deplored every moment of his presidency, but now that I don’t have his tweets to piss me off every day I kind of miss it. I mean, here’s a guy who out of nowhere proposes things like buying Greenland. Who brings the crazy like Trump? I miss that bullshit—sorry.”

Shaking his head Larry Fortuna, a family law attorney from Clarence still can’t fathom the composition of an ego like Trump’s. “This guy is like: “Sorry losers and haters, but my IQ is one of the highest – and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure, it’s not your fault.” And after making such a claim he’ll pop off about windmills causing cancer or he’ll call Apple CEO Tim Cook, Tim Apple and then deny he ever said it. I swear, Trump is like an evil Homer Simpson with $70K a year on hair and makeup habit. I hate say it, but without all the dumb Trump shit the winter and this never ending pandemic somehow seem even longer. God help me, I can’t believe I just said that. I need a bourbon.”

“Okay, okay—I miss the chaos,” said Phoebe Nostrums, a social worker from University Heights. “I deal with some really troubled people in really troubled situations. Mental illness, drug addiction, sexual abuse, you name it. Sometimes it can really wear you down. One of my coping mechanisms was to read Trump’s twitter feed every morning to make sense of the world. I mean, if the President of the United States can say climate change is a Chinese hoax or back that Q’Annon supporter Marjorie Taylor Green, then the craziness of my world doesn’t seem so crazy and I can get through another day of helping clients. With Trump’s twitter feed gone I’ve had to settle for Ted Cruz’s or that asshole Rand Paul’s. It’s just not the same. So yeah, I’m missing Trump.” 

This week progressives missing Trump got a little of the magic back when the former president went off on Mitch McConnell after he recently excoriated him for his role in the Capitol uprising on January 6th. Said Trump:
“In ‘Mitch’s Senate,’ over the last two election cycles, I single-handedly saved at least 12 Senate seats, more than eight in the 2020 cycle alone—and then came the Georgia disaster, where we should have won both U.S. Senate seats, but McConnell matched the Democrat offer of $2,000 stimulus checks with $600...

Barklvr, Fortuna and Nostrums said they had tingles reading this craziness from Trump.      

By P.A. Kane

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Cheektowaga, NY—After five years of arguing, Chuck Wagonblott, an English teacher at Amherst High School has finally accepted that his lifelong friends are assholes. A downcast Wagonblott said, “The last time I felt this bad was freshman year when Mary Anne Coniglio, after months of painstaking work, waved me over to second base and then in front of all her friends dumped me because my “technique was inadequate.” Back then, my buds: Squeaky Pete, Little Mikey and Bone knew all the right names to call her to make me feel better.” 

But it’s different now and it all started with Donald Trump running for President. Wagonblott noted up until then none of his childhood friends ever even talked about politics. So when they started popping off about Trump on social media and talking MAGA bullshit he was shocked. “I mean, we started out being friends through sports and then girls. It was always just light and breezy. Now these guys  talk about the election like they’re fucking constitutional lawyers. And, Little Mikey with all this nonsense about Q’Anon and the Jews using lasers to set fires in California. It’s just so disheartening.”

It came to a head this week with the second impeachment trial of Trump when Wagonblott finally accepted what he probably knew all along. “One does ponder that their friends might be assholes when they drink fifty shots of Fireball and then use their bodies to destroy folding tables at a Bills tailgate. Or when they throw away a marriage because their wife after a long day of working the counter at the Omega Deli doesn’t look or smells like olive loaf and not the girl next door.”

But the last straw was when they started to argue on social media about the impeachment. A frustrated Wagonblott said, “Squeaky Pete once asked me if JFK (as in John F. Kennedy)wrote the Harry Potter series before or after he was in office, mistaking him for JK Rowling. And, now the fucking guy is talking monetary policy and is railing about the money being wasted on the impeachment. Or Bone, he goes off on the Dems about abuse of power, but when you ask about Trump calling the Georgia Secretary of State and telling him to find 11K votes or the call to the President of Ukraine to get him to investigate Joe Biden, he gets all smug and calls you a brainwashed libtard. I just can’t take this shit from those assholes anymore.”

At work Wagonblott does have more progressive, media literate friends, but he’s not sure they’re really his kind of people. “I like that they’re well read and in tune with the real problems like inequality and climate change, but they eat their wings with ranch dressing and they don’t get why everyone hates Tom Brady. Worst of all they think fucking Coldplay is a good band.”

Wagonblott is going to monitor his asshole friends’ social media for the remainder of the winter, hoping by spring they’re over all this political bullshit and they can get back to just doing fun things like playing cards and golfing.

By P.A. Kane

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Washington D.C.—In the aftermath of last week’s election loss to Joe Biden the Trump campaign set up a hotline where people can call and report election irregularities and fraud. “Help stop voter suppression, irregularities and fraud,” the campaign said in social media posts promoting the hotline. “Tell us what you are seeing.”

This prompted a call from a woman in Bentonville, Arkansas, named Miss Grace who reported suspicious activity being carried out by a woman named Luanne Fitzgerald. According to Miss Grace, “Everybody in Bentonville calls Fitzgerald, Fitzy and everybody knows she’s just plain bad.” Miss Grace went on to explain that in her teens Fitzy never wore a bra and talked endlessly about the Jefferson Airplane. Also, in ‘72 Fitzy went door to door canvassing for George McGovern. “Yes, that George McGovern.” After that Fitzy left Bentonville for fifty years and only came back recently to take care of her sick momma . . .”and I just know she still ain’t any good,” Miss Grace cried. “She drives around in a Prius and wears those Ruth Bader Ginsburg t-shirts like it was the 21st century or something. Someone needs to look into her. Fitzy must be stopped.” 

Of course, many of the calls were not as earnest as Miss Grace’s. There were lots of calls asking if the refrigerator in the office was still running. People also asked if they had Prince Albert in a can. A group of teenage boys called every five minutes to order plain cheese pizza baked till it was that golden shade of Trump orange. 

A woman named Vivian dialed into the hotline and gave an extended evaluation of the “hotness” of top Trump administration officials. Stephen Miller was rated a “zero” as was Ben Carson and Betsy DeVos. Press Secretary, Kaleigh McEnany was rated a “one” because she’s a few years younger than those ratty chairs you garbage picked, but never got around to refinishing.  William Barr, Mike Pompeo and Wilbur Ross received a rating of “three,” because it seemed very likely you could get them to pass out after a few drinks and steal their wallets.  

A very mean call came from the woman who regularly dials you up to warn you that “your vehicle’s extended warranty is about to expire.”  She taunted hotline workers saying that, “If you believe Trump has a chance in hell overturning a couple of hundred thousand votes, then you’re probably dumb enough to believe vehicle’s warranty bullshit. Call us you dumb fuckers.”

There were also calls from various strip clubs looking for Rudy Giuliani to pay his outstanding tabs. There were calls from people laughing uproariously that sounded eerily like discarded Attorney General, Jeff Sessions and Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson along with an angry message from Donald Trump Jr’s ex-wife, Vanessa, wanting to know where “ my fucking child support payments are?” 

 Responding to all the negative press Eric Trump had this to say,  “The DNC is spamming our voter fraud hotline to bog down the thousands of complaints we are receiving!” he said in a tweet last Friday. “Wonder what they have to hide.”  

So far, the Trump campaign has been unsuccessful getting courts in various states to investigate their allegations of voter fraud, as evidence is required and they have none.   

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Washington D.C.—In line with all the other disappointments of 2020, this week Miles Taylor, a former Chief of Staff at the Department of Homeland Security, keeping an election year promise, underwhelmed the nation by revealing he was “Anonymous.” In 2018, a so-called “senior official” going by the pseudonym “Anonymous,” wrote a New York Times Op-Ed piece assuring a worried nation there were forces within the Trump administration working to quell the President’s worst, most erratic impulses and his craziest policies. 

Speculation of “Anonymous’” identity at the time centered on John Kelly, Kellyanne Conway, even Secretary of Defense, Jim Mattis. But it turned out to be Taylor, who is commonly mistaken for that guy who sells both used cars and timeshares out of his garage.

Learning that Taylor was “Anonymous,” former Missouri Senator and MSNBC commentator, Claire McCaskill said she hasn’t been this disappointed since Geraldo opened Al Capone’s vaults and found them empty. McCaskill, a Democrat said “I appreciate that Taylor has been a vocal opponent of the President since leaving Homeland Security, it’s just disappointing that it’s him, like it was was disappointing reading eight-hundred fucking pages of “Breaking Dawn,” and there’s no war between the Cullens and the Volutri. Worse still Edward and Bella are going to alternate between having sex and not having sex. To quote Joe Biden, “C’mon.”

Even more incredulous was Trump himself. “Miles Taylor, that fucking guy is “Anonymous?” the President asked. After a moment of disbelief, the President regained his focus and said, “Excuse me, but everybody knew he was a Democrat and a loser. He’s treated me very badly. When we discussed locking those future rapists in cages down at the border he always offered alternatives. He talked about being humane. He was afraid to be strong. He was afraid to be law and order. Sad.”

Upon hearing the news that Taylor was “Anonymous” staffers at Homeland Security laughed and said he was about as likely to stop Trump as Sergeant Shultz from Hogan’s Heroes was to stop Hitler from invading Poland. Another staffer said it would be like Pansy Parkinson turning against Lord Voldemort’s and stopping his policy initiatives. It never was going to happen

Taylor’s book, “A Warning” is available at Amazon under the pseudonym “Anonymous.” He also is making a slew of media appearances this week. Check you local listings. 

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Washington, D.C.—First daughter Ivanka Trump is quietly looking for a girlfriend ahead of the November elections. With the United States experiencing the world’s highest infection and death rate as a result of the Coronavirus , the re-election prospects for her father appear grim. Taking proactive measures, Ivanka thinks she can begin the process of rehabbing her image with the New York elite by having a very public gay romance.

 The porcelain doll like a thirty-eight year old has fallen out of favor in New York since her father’s election. Known as, Princess Royale in the White House, Ivanka has failed to curb her father’s worst impulses, such as taking Putin at his word that he didn’t interfere in the 2016 elections. She also hasn’t been able to keep him from saying endless dumb things like: windmills cause cancer or you can use disinfectants to fight off the Coronavirus. 

Regaining entry into New York society will also require Ivanka to shitcan her husband, Jared Kushner, affectionately known as: the Slim Suit Boy Prince. Kushner has yet to achieve any of his portfolio goals, which include: gaining a lasting peace between Israel and Palestine, containing the opioid crisis and most recently securing pandemic supplies. Logistics experts versed in supply chains said the Slim Suit Boy Prince overpaid and under delivered for PPE equipment and termed his efforts—laughable. Worst of all, he’s the prototype for a really dumb horror movie, called, The Boy  

Topping the list of candidates to be Ivanka’s rehab girlfriend is New York Governor, Andrew Cuomo’s aide, Melissa DeRosa. DeRosa has gained prominence during the Coronavirus crisis as Cuomo’s rock star assistant. The first daughter likes DeRosa because she’s loyal and always seems to have facts and figures at her fingertips. Ivanka was overheard saying, “She’s like Mike Pompeo, but without all the lying and distortions. And, unlike the blotchy Pompeo, she’s smokin hot.”

Ivanka is open to providing financial incentives to the prospective girlfriend, which makes a committed civil servant like DeRosa a long-shot. However, other names to emerge are MSNBC anchor, Nicole Wallace and former FBI attorney, Lisa Page. 

Wallace was White House Communications Director in the George W. Bush administration and a Senior Advisor to John McCain’s Presidential campaign. Since 2014 she has been both an analyst and anchor on the left leaning MSNBC and is known for her sharp criticism of both the Republican Party and Trump. It would be a real jaw dropper for Ivanka to show up to some event at The Met with Wallace on her arm. It would be like sleeping with the enemy—a smart, fact based enemy with an electric smile.

Perhaps the most head turning choice would be former FBI attorney, Lisa Page. Page was involved in an affair with FBI agent Peter Strzok. Critical text messages about the President  between Strzok and Page, caused Trump to accuse them of being members of the deep state that is committed to overthrowing him. The President also mimicked an orgasm between Strzok and Page at a campaign rally in Minneapolis and refers to Page as lovely Lisa. The New York press would like nothing more than to photograph Ivanka and lovely Lisa playing kissy face at some gala at the Ziegfeld Ballroom before jumping into a limo and heading to Big Al’s Twenty-Four Hour Tattoo, where the smitten couple would get matching Notorious RGB tats while sipping Cristal.

While none of the prospective women have been approached yet, rumors do persist and at a recent press conference the President cryptically hinted that Ivanka and another woman would do huge numbers. Like the final episode of The Dukes of Hazzard type of numbers.  

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