“One-eleven has become all White Claws and Grey Poupon,” he said. “Bunch of rich people going through the motions. This past weekend when Nyheim Hines ran back the opening kickoff the energy was at Jeb Bush levels. The call and response: Hey-ayyyyyy-ayyyyyy-ayy to the Shout song was a joke. They take this team for granted like Harvey Johnson, Hank Bullough and Doug Marrone never existed. Well, they did exist and they crushed all of our souls.”

Crackleknob reminisced about better times when many of them would show up at 7am, start a fire, have some bacon, eggs and shots of Patron. Then, they’d go down to the Hammer Lot and cheer on the toothless table breakers and douse up Pinto Ron with regular American ketchup and mustard. After that it was into the game, but not before knocking a few back at the Crown Royal truck to help them tap into their Mafia crazy. 

Gronk Steps Away From Football Saying: “I’m Tired Of Owning The Bills”

“Now there’s not a single person with a D-FENSE sign in our section,” he said “The clapping and booing of the refs is so tepid you’d think we were at a fucking equestrian event. Nobody paints their faces and I’m the only one who takes his shirt off anymore— and I have hideous man boobs.”

Crackleknob said he’s tried to get the section going numerous times throughout the season waving his arms up and down (he almost took his eye out with his left breasticle doing this), but to no avail. And since it’s hard to take a shirtless guy with man boobs in thirty degree weather at a sporting event seriously, he plans on sending out some strongly worded emails ahead of their annual offseason schedule release party.

“I’m going to let everyone know their gameday commitment to the team and organization is unacceptable. That in recent years we’ve become complacent and soft and we let guys like Captain Dave , Elvis, the Chefs and all the degenerates in the endzone carry us. I’m going to challenge their fandom personally. And I’m not above hitting below the belt. I’ll tell them if they don’t want to step it up they should become fucking Dolphin fans and go down to Hard Rock Stadium in Miami and drink margaritas with J-Lo, Fregy and Darius Rucker—wtf is a Darius Rucker anyway?”

Crackleknob realizes he might lose friends by calling them out, but it’s a chance he’s willing to take—”for football, for the city of Buffalo, for the Bills.” 

The post Longtime Bills Season Ticket Holder Questions Commitment Of Fans In His Section appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Ingerfish is of the opinion that if the Bills or Sabres ever win a championship the fabric of Western New York and its people will be irreparably changed for the worse. Thankfully though, Sunday’s loss was a step toward preserving who we are as a community—it was the universe righting itself.

“Let’s face it, ” said Ingerfish, “we are the world’s biggest and most lovable losers. Instead of running away from that, we should embrace it and feel proud. Enough of this trying to rise above our station and be something we’re not. We suck and we should celebrate that. I mean, the Bills are 0-55 in Super Bowls and the Sabres are 0-51 in Stanley Cups. Who sucks like we suck?”

He also noted a few other unique Buffalo attributes: we get nine months of winter, City Hall is a giant phallic symbol and the mom-rock band The Goo Goo Dolls are the biggest act ever to come out of the area, At the other end of Lake Erie in Cleveland: The Raspberries and The Dead Boys, to name just a couple. That kind of futility isn’t just happenstance, it’s who we are, it’s our manifest destiny.

Ingerfish believes with Super Bowl or Stanley Cup wins we’ll lose the collective inferiority complex so central to our being. He fears such victories will make Western New Yorkers prideful and self-respecting and will encourage wellness behaviors like: daily flossing for good oral hygiene, mindful meditation for positive mental health and regular checkups for STD’s to remain yeast and HPV free. 

“If this happens all of the sudden rather than breaking tables, swilling Fireball and downing double orders of wings, the 716 will be overrun with a bunch of posers drinking chardonnay, reciting poetry and really meaning it when they shake hands and wish peace to other parishioners in church. Is that who we really want to be?” Ingerfish asked without a hint of irony.

He went on to say he is optimistic that the status quo will prevail. He cited the fact that after the 6-1 start, which saw the Bills at the top of nearly everyone’s power rankings, there are valid concerns regarding the team’s long term chances for success—Josh Allen’s injury and his recent interception problems, there remains no viable receiver outside of Stephon Diggs, suddenly the run defense is porous and there are continuing injury issues team wide. The universe, according to Ingerfish, is righting itself.

With glee he finished, “Buffalo: sucking today, sucking tomorrow, sucking forever.”

The Bills play the 7-1 Minnesota Vikings Sunday at Highmark Stadium in Orchard Park.    

The post Local Man Asserts Bills Loss First Step Toward Righting The Universe appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Akim, a casual Bills fan at best, could look past Captain Dave’s, Andre the Giant like head, which dominates all their social media posts. She also has made peace with the fact he often stays up till the wee hours of the morning because someone on social media is wrong about the Bills drafting Josh Allen instead of Baker Mayfield and other NFL related nonsense. She could even look past the 7am gameday tailgate and the homemade Captain Dave superhero getup.

Well, no she couldn’t. She thought it was crazy a fifty-year old man was still be so invested in a game boys played as kids, but she was willing to tolerate it since the Captain was reasonably hygienic, had most of his teeth and has remained employed the entire time they’ve been together.

But now she’s re-evaluating the relationship after the Captain informed her he would not be able to attend the couple’s weekly Salsa Dance class on successive Thursday nights due to the release of the Bills schedule and then the NFL Draft. At first Akim thought he was joking, but the Captain became very serious saying, “The Bills haven’t played at Lambeau Field in eight years,” and then raised his voice to a scary level regarding the draft: “ AND THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT DRAFT IN THIRTY YEARS.”

Concerned with his over the top passion, she nevertheless attended the Captain’s schedule release party and was astounded, watching her crazed boyfriend and his friends do Fireball shots after securing tickets that cost $400 on StubHub for a week four matchup against the Packers at Lambeau Field. The schedule release was literally the warm up to the night’s main event which found one of the party’s attendees so inspired at scoring Packer tickets he poured lighter fluid all over his clothes and then set himself on fire while being cheered on by his friends. Captain Dave turned to Akim as the paramedics wheeled out the badly burned man and said laughing, “It ain’t a Bills party until there’s a little human sacrifice and an ambulance.”

Appalled, yet morbidly curious, the way one is at a teen slashing movie, Akim plans to make her final determination about Captain Dave and their relationship after this weekend’s draft. The Captain has a draft board set up in his living room where he has conducted hundreds of mocks, trying to take into account every possible contingency and scenario. He’s planning pre-draft parties at his house starting at 4pm Thursday, Friday and Saturday before heading down to the Bills Field House to watch the draft live on ESPN. And then a Sunday wrap brunch at Marinaro’s Larkin Tavern.

Should an amputation or some other form of human sacrifice occur draft weekend Akim will likely end the relationship with Captain Dave. If that happens, she vows her next boyfriend will be less flamboyant and more laid back. She’s thinking about someone like this hipster dude from Human Resources, Brad, who sports a ridiculous beard, eats trail mix, likes Coldplay and only has a minor interest Manchester United of the Premier League.

Akim is hoping for the best, but bracing for the worst.                  

The post Local Woman Rethinking Relationship With Extreme Bills Fan appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Cheektowaga NY—This past weekend the air at Prior Aviation was ripe with the scent of Hai Karate and the parking lot jammed with a vast array of Camaros, F150s and Monte Carlos awaiting the arrival of Dee Dee Bonner, the mom of recently signed Bills quarterback, AJ McCarron.

A survey of the assembled crowd revealed an excessive amount of tattoos, pinky rings and backwards turned Bills caps, along with an appalling lack of teeth and any social redeeming qualities.

Standing next to his ‘78 Monte Carlo, Niagara Falls native Kevin Sheehey said he had been a Bills fan all his life and was here not only to welcome Ms.Bonner to Western New York, but to offer her his assistance in getting to know the area. “I’m in the Local up in the Falls,” Sheehey said with a wink. “It would be a honor and a pleasure to show Ms. Bonner around the town, maybe do an after hours tour of the wax museum and then get a bite to eat. I have a standing reservation at the Olive Garden on the Blvd.”

Wanting to let Ms. Bonner know what she could expect from a Bills tailgate, members of the Bills Mafia were out in full force drinking Bud Lights, doing Fireball shots and of course, breaking tables. Using a ladder, South Buffalo native Callahan O’Malley skillfully climbed atop a 40ft. Box Truck and swan dived into a burning table littered with broken glass and gravel. Though breaking several bones and probably suffering a concussion, O’Malley, nevertheless, got to his feet, did a Fireball and with his remaining strength yelled, “LET’S GO BUFFALO, LET’S GO BUFFALO to the delight of his fellow Mafia colleagues and then collapsed and had to be carted away by Rural Metro Ambulance.

Former Bills Hall of Fame coach Marv Levy made a brief appearance and led the crowd in the fight song he penned in 1994:

                                                                                     Go Bills, for we are here to cheer you

                                                                                    Go Bills, we are your fans so true

                                                                                    With victory in sight

                                                                                   We’ll yell with all our might

                                                                                   So, go Bills, fight Bills, go….

Ms. Bonner was quite overwhelmed with the welcome and in a shaky, scared voice said she had never seen such an outpouring, even at Alabama where her son led the Crimson Tide to two National Championships. She thanked the assembled crowd and said she was anticipating  a great year for the Bills. Waving goodbye,  as she quickly made it to a waiting car, she added it was going to be good to get some rest at her hotel… in a locked closet… with a gun.

AJ McCarron is expected to be the Bills starting quarterback for the 2018-19 NFL season.   

The post Bills Fans Assemble At Airport To Greet AJ McCarron’s… Mom appeared first on buffalomud.com.