Washington, D.C.—Tiffany Trump, the daughter of the former president Donald Trump from his only American wife, Marla Maples, reached out to January 6th Select Committee chairman Bennie Thompson (D. MS) this past weekend with an offer to testify before the bi-partisan body. After considering what Ms. Trump, a recent graduate of Georgetown Law, had to offer in the way of relevant information the committee chose to pass.

Representative Adam Schiff (D. CA) explained that he and other members of the Select Committee were grateful to any American who stepped forward to contribute to the investigation, but Ms. Trump not only didn’t have any relevant information, she barely knew her father. Said Schiff, “Quite frankly, based on social media posts alone, we found I’m much more on the former president’s mind than Tiffany. Furthermore, we told her, recounting the times he threw plates against the wall, called Don Jr. and Eric meatheads or made creepy passes at your girlfriends, while disturbing, doesn’t really get at what we’re trying to accomplish here.”

Tiffany acknowledged she has been unsuccessful in her efforts to obtain even the most basic consideration from her father and reaching out to the committee was a longshot for a little attention. Despondently she said, “He doesn’t seem to realize, now that I’m a lawyer, I could bring the crazy like Rudy and Sidney. On top of that I could also incessantly whine and complain about how unfairly he’s treated by both the fake news and the Unselect Committee just like my dumb half-brothers, Don Jr. and Eric. And the family grift . . . that china doll, Ivanka and slim suit, Kushner would have nothing on me. But, he just won’t give me a chance.”

The only thing that seemed to get the former president’s attention at all was when Tiffany briefly spent some time at the Egg McMuffin table with local author P.A.Kane the day he departed from Washington for the last time on January 20, 2021. Through surrogate Hope Hicks, Tiffany was informed the President will not tolerate any of his children associating with people whose numbers are as terrible as Kane’s. Currently, Kane is ranked the 1.5 millionth most popular author on Amazon. 

Local Author Catches The Eye of Tiffany Trump At President’s Farewell

Tiffany went on to say, “I suppose if I pursued a relationship with Kane that would have eventually got his attention and produced a showdown. But as much as I want that, I don’t think it’s in my best interest to be associated with someone with such terrible numbers either. I’m considering other avenues like doing the non-binary thing, maybe dating Jim Acosta or becoming a member of Antifa.”

Tiffany said she used to dream about how her fate might have been different if her mother was Croatian or Czechoslovakian rather than American, but ultimately that was a dead end and it’s healthier just to play the hand she was dealt.      

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Kane received the invitation for the farewell despite being a vocal opponent of the President, not only during his time in office, but dating back to when he first heard the boorish business man run his self-aggrandizing mouth in the 1980’s. But the promise of Egg McMuffins and being there as Trump flew away from four years of American carnage was too much for the author to resist.

Catching his breath between sandwiches, Kane barely heard the soon to be former President repeat the same old lies about the “greatest economy,” with “numbers” that were “at a level that nobody had ever seen before.” or the one about “the “largest tax cut and reform in the history of our country by far.” Trying to be funny and ironic Kane started a USA, USA, USA chant. 

While the chant didn’t last long it did gain traction with a few other attendees of the farewell. Harold and Lorraine Shroggy of Lincoln, Nebraska, out on bail for their part in the Trump inspired coup attempt on January 6th enthusiastically joined Kane in the chant. Marilyn Hovenfoot from Sioux Falls, South Dakota who was brandishing a “Women For Trump,” sign joined in as well, but was greatly disappointed when the chant faded away just like the promise of a border wall or the end of Obama Care or the scourge of Covid 19, which was magically going to disappear. 

After Trump’s remarks the family: Don Jr, Eric, Ivanka and the spouses stood solemnly by their father with dejected faces as their latest grift ended. Kane, however, received a long thankful look from a misty eyed Tiffany Trump for his enthusiasm. Over at the McMuffin table again after the ceremony, Kane signaled for Tiffany to join him and when she did he was ready with half unwrapped sausage McMuffin.

Smiling, she asked , “How did you know I like the sausage McMuffin and not the regular one?”
“A man just knows these things,” Kane responded suavely.

An impish grin remained plastered on Tiffany’s face as Kane explained his support for Biden and his less than stellar numbers as an author. He also said,  later in the year he expects a further dip in his popularity when he releases his first ever book of poetry. 

“Oh my god, my father will hate a loser like you. Will you call me . . . please?” she asked with a pleading tone.

Kane agreed to call her but made Tiffany promise NOT to fall in love with him. After pausing for a moment she promised that she would do her best.

The two are scheduled to talk in the near future.

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