Washington D.C.—The following is an official release from the office of Rudolf William Lewis Giuliani, Attorney at Law:

“To begin, I want to emphasize how honored I am to be working with this administration and this incredible president. He is a beacon of light in a dark world, a fresh, deveined jumbo shrimp in the cocktail bar of our lives. The day he asked me to work with him was the second greatest moment of my life, right after that evening in ’98 when I absolutely nailed my comb-over, and just before my first, third, and second weddings, respectively. Now, to the matter at hand:

“First: yes, in late 2017 the president did pay local author P. A..Kane $200,000. The money did NOT come out of campaign funds. The payment was legal in every respect. Half of it went directly into Kane’s bank account; the other half was paid to various agencies where Kane held considerable debts (MyPayDay Loans, Hooters,  the Dollar Store, etc).

“Second: this payment was made to stop the false and extortionist accusations made by Mr. Kane. The President has never met Mr. Kane, the President has never checked into the North Shore Motor Inn under the alias ‘Rodd Steele’, and the President has not even OWNED any tighty-whities for a good six months. Plus, have you seen Mr Kane? Totally flat chested. A 5 at best. Put it this way: he’s no Tom Selleck.

“Third: the ‘suspect’ sketch released by Mr Kane. Let’s get serious here folks – this is a scam job, a made up drawing of a made up person that doesn’t exist, and the media knows it. It kind of resembles a handsomer Tom Brady with bigger hands, but that’s about it.

“Lastly: what have we become as a nation when some third-rate-hack from a glorified Toronto suburb is given free rein by the fake press to peddle his disgusting conspiracies against the most honorable leader this world has seen since Abraham Lincoln? I fear for our children.

Well, your children.

“Tune in tonight to Hannity at nine o’clock where I’ll be walking most of this back.”

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, to announce he too would be willing to deny a sexual relationship with the President in lieu $200,000 payment.

It is unclear if Kane even knows Trump, but thinks his election was the biggest con ever perpetrated against the working people of America. Once the check clears however, he said he would never tell a soul that Trump likes to be called: “Big Daddy Rump Rump,” while gently having his pasty white ass kneaded like it was pizza dough.

Kane went on to say that he would withhold information about the numerous boasts Trump made regarding the suppleness of his lips and the magic he could perform with his pinky finger. He would strenuously deny Trump ever held up his petite, money grubbing hands and brag, “I can tell you this, with just my pinky I’ll make you sing like a siren. Believe me.”

He would also forever remain quiet about the time in the Oval Office when he and Trump acted out the “Indian Removal Act of 1830,” in their tighty whities. The Act led to the relocation of thousands of Native Americans from  ancestral lands to shithole parts of the South and Oklahoma. Many died along the way from exposure and starvation  on what became known as the “The Trail Of Tears.” Kane said he would remain mum about how Trump, as Andrew Jackson chased him around the Oval Office, brandishing his pinky finger, while he played the opposition role of Henry Clay. Breathlessly, Trump would huff: “Henry, Henry… c’mon let’s get together on this. Let’s march all the brown people away.”

Additionally, Kane vowed not theorize about the tough guy persona being a ruse and that deep down all Trump really wants is to be loved. Sent away to military school as a young man and later mentored by the despicable and unyielding Roy Cohn, Trump grew hard around the edges, yet secretly craved approval and love. He is loath to tell anyone Trump likes his head gently stroked while being held and told: “There, there, Big Daddy Rump Rump, you’re a good boy. And yes, your button is bigger than both Kim Jong Un’s and… and Vladimir Putin’s.” The Putin thing makes him especially happy—but you didn’t hear that from Kane.

Trump responded to these non-accusations, accusations by saying: “Kane is a total loser and is using me to sell his really boring coming of age novel set in 1979 Buffalo. He has only been able to get one women to marry him twenty-five years ago, he sends his kids to state schools and his pick up truck is a decade old. Except for that stuff about the magic of my pinky finger and the size of my button, his satire site is total fake news and he is a total loser. Believe me.”

Sources say Kane is laying low, enjoying the delights of another Buffalo winter and is hoping not to say anything, to anyone, anymore.

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