I just be letting people cap. If them lies help you sleep better tell em big dawg . . .

The post only served to fuel further speculation. People were like who’s he letting cap? Who’s the big dawg getting all this sleep after they’ve been capping? Is it Josh Allen? Is it Sean McDermott? What does cap even mean?

Seeing the reaction and hoping to generate interest in his sagging career local author P.A.Kane took to his social media accounts to post some cryptic messages of his own. But like most of his digital musings no one seemed to give a shit. 

The 1.5 millionth ranked most popular Amazon author was disappointed by the lack of response since his cryptic messages employed proper sentence structure, punctuation and weren’t all that cryptic.

“I was listening to some tunes and the algorithm from my streaming service gifted me the soulful two minute Big Star gem: “I’m In Love With A Girl,” Kane said. “So I posted that simple beautiful line on my wall: I’m in love with a girl  . . . and nothing. No comments, no likes, no retweets—nothing. 

Kane was thinking that a statement such as I’m in love with a girl . . . would generate at least a few comments. Maybe something like: That’s so sweet- you’re married one million years a lot years and you’re still in love with your wife despite all the soul crushing nagging and her endless stories about birds nesting in your yard. Or maybe—What a wonderful thing for a man of your experience to find love again. Hope you have a good supply of those little blue pills—Softey. 

At the very least maybe some would have copy and pasted the line into a Google search and discovered the Big Star tune. And not the nu-contry abomination “In Love With A Girl,” by Gavin DeGraw, who might be the demon spawn of Tug McGraw and Ally McBeal.  

“But I wasn’t going to give up,” Kane said. “You don’t get to be the 1.5 millionth ranked author by taking a powder. So this time the cryptic message was even less cryptic and more mainstream, drawing from the classic Who song “Baba O’Riley”—It’s only teenage wasteland . . . and it got one measly comment.

The lack of response shook the local author and led him to momentarily question his life choices. He considered the never ending indifference with which the world received his art and mused that perhaps all the getting up early, all the obscure toiling, all the rejection was—was for nothing.

Then he dug deeper—to the deepest part of his being where he was still handsome, where all the girls liked him, where he could kick everybody’s ass and said to himself: Screw that. People are stupid. I’m the best fucking thing that hasn’t happened—yet. Everybody can suck it.

Kane has no further plans to post cryptic messages.

The post No One Really Gives A Shit About Local Author’s Cryptic Messages appeared first on buffalomud.com.

“I’m thinking of going for Town Council or Highway,” Kane said. “Supervisor seems like a lot of responsibility and probably wouldn’t correspond to my strict 5pm cocktail hour. Plus, I think the present guy is doing a good job. Clerk is out because I’d hate to know who is or isn’t paying their taxes. Town Justice is appealing. I mean, who wouldn’t like to slam down a gavel and yell, ‘Guilty,’ at some schmuck for doing 50 in a 35? On top of that you get to impose a hefty fine. And, if it’s Al Petko, you put him in jail overnight. The problem is I can’t seem to get rid of the Covid weight I put on during the pandemic and I’m afraid I’ll look like Orson Wells in those black robes. Or I’ll be mistaken for a big black sailboat. Full disclosure—I’m vain like that. Look at me, already pretending to be an “outsider” with my full disclosure honesty bullshit.”

Another thing the beret wearing, 1.5 millionth ranked most popular Amazon author said he would be honest about is the use of his office for personal gain. He stated if he went for the Highway position he would change his own Monday morning garbage pick up to mid-week. Ever since he’s lived in West Seneca he’s had the Monday pick up and it’s always been a giant pain in the ass, like a never ending Sunday night homework assignment that shortens the weekend. Additionally, if Kane were elected to Highway not only would his street be plowed first, but he would have a Town pickup truck following close behind to clear out the end of his driveway. Not one for the ass grabbing back slapping bullshit that comes with big lunches or rounds of golf in exchange for town contracts he believes that would be the extent of his corruption . . . unless there was an offer he couldn’t refuse. 

However, the most likely place for Kane to land would be on the Town Council where he would advocate for a ten-percent across the board pay increase for town workers and teachers. He’s also fascinated by the idea of telling crybaby white suburban homeowners who endlessly complain about leaves, snow removal, teenagers, taxes, garbage totes, sewers, stolen elections, senior citizens and a whole host of other things to shut up. “I would love it,” he said. “It would be so fun to be at one of those town board meetings where some dude with a bad mustache from Dover Drive is complaining about his leaves not being picked up and I tell him to get a real problem and shut the fuck up.”

Kane liked the ring of that: Your “Shut The Fuck Up” Candidate

Without consulting god, his family or anyone else the author will make a decision about his political future by the first of the year.     

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