Sleepy Joe Archives | buffalomud.com

Drop Off Locations Pop Up For Items Banned By Sleepy Joe And His Liberal Mob

P.A. Kane — Sun, 16 May 2021 17:34:40 +0000

Buffalo, NY—Now that the Sleepy Joe and the woke liberal mob in Washington have stomped on our freedom and have total control of our lives, (i.e.—like when Obama took all the guns away) we here at Buffalo Mud wanted to help our massive local audience stay on the right side of the law by providing an ever evolving list of drop-off locations for now-banned items:

RED MEAT – you can bring your ground beef, rump roasts, filets, and other assorted bovine by-products to the YMCA on Cayuga near the airport. You can also bring PRIME RIB ONLY to the Reinstein Memorial Library. If it’s closed use the after-hours book drop.

MENTHOL CIGARETTES – Big Jimmy’s Chew & Spit Wholesale outlet in Larkinville will provide cash refunds of $200 on FULL CARTONS of Newports, Kools and Salems. Don’t be coming up on Big Jim with loose packs or singles— Big Jim WILL knock your Alive with pleasure! ass into next week.

BOOKS – As per the President’s speech this week, all books authored by any heirs to the Swanson Frozen Dinners fortune are to be destroyed by the end of May. There will be continually burning bonfires on the corners of and for your convenience. (Side note – don’t come with Fahrenheit 451 and think you’re being ironic. Dumbass)

GUNS – please leave your guns out at the end of your driveway on your normal trash day. NOTE!!! THIS IS FOR GUNS ONLY. We understand this might not have any practical value since Obama already confiscated all the guns, but Sleepy Joe wants the firearms that may have slipped through the cracks. We also understand that many of you have cases upon cases of ammunition, and you’re all terribly disappointed that a civil war has not broken out. Again—thanks Obama. Please be patient—Rome wasn’t built or destroyed in a day.

BOOZE – While alcohol has not been banned YET, if you want to get a headstart you can take any and all bottled spirits to the Body Shop Gentleman’s Club. (All black label bourbon can be sent to P.A.Kane, c/o Buffalo Mud, 2112 Limelight Blvd. Mudville, NY).

VOLUNTARY – We know many of you are feeling anxious about the wrath of Sleepy Joe’s vaccines, science and renewable energy — you know, the socialist takeover. To alleviate your fears of being accosted by the liberal mob that wants to give you health care and 21st century infrastructure we will be setting up drop-off points where you can stash your MAGA hats and underwear, Toby Keith CDs, and MyPillows on the down low for use at a later date. Check the thread on Parler titled: Sleepy Joe’s Super Secret MAGA Closet for more information.

Thank you for your cooperation as we all do our part to help Buffalo step proudly into Sleepy Joe’s 21^st century!!

By Senior Mud Contributor: David P. Zach

The post Drop Off Locations Pop Up For Items Banned By Sleepy Joe And His Liberal Mob appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Local Man Dreading Return To Normal As Pandemic Nears End

P.A. Kane — Fri, 02 Apr 2021 18:11:17 +0000

Larry Hemster

Snyder, NY—While most Western New Yorkers dreaded a weather forecast that predicted a half-foot of snow this weekend, Larry Hemster, a marketing manager at Rosina Foods was pretty excited. Hemster has been working from home in sweatpants and a hoodie since last March and is not looking forward to returning to normal as the Covid pandemic nears its end.

“Yeah, I was hoping to get pounded with snow so I could spend another weekend at home laying around watching basketball, drinking beer and ordering in, rather than beginning another year of goddamn yard work,” he said.

Even more annoying than the start of grass cutting season and spring projects is the thought of showering, dressing and driving into work everyday. No more trolling the internet for hours on end or napping during the day. No more happy hours starting at 1:30pm or playing Grand Theft Auto while completely blotto with the day crowd.

“It sucks,” said Hemster. “Now I have to go into the office and put up with Melissa coming by my desk and telling me about her dopey kid’s soccer team. I’m going to have to buy candy bars and raffle tickets and come up with a lame about excuse about why I can’t go to their stupid fundraiser. And fucking Karen. She’s going to show me endless pictures of her grandson and tell me how gifted the fat little pud is because he could roll over at five months. I mean, there’s a reason I didn’t respond to your Facebook friend request Karen—get a clue.”

Maybe worst of all is Hemster’s boss, Lloyd. “This guy is a real tool,” he said. “He’s got these yellow teeth and sad watery eyes. But not the kind of eyes that make you feel bad for him—they’re the kind of eyes that make you think God sometimes has a sick sense of humor. Anyway, the Lloydster cares about two things: market share and porn. He talks about both at the same time and I never know if he’s referring to our meatball product or the shape of some girl’s ass he saw in a video. Sometimes he gets in a loop that I can’t follow and I start to think about how my life would have been different if I had paid attention in school.”

Further annoying Hemster is his wife talking about doing a “boot camp” together after they’re fully vaccinated. And maybe going on a cruise or seeing Hall & Oates if they tour again.

“This is why I voted for Trump,” Hemster said angrily. That incompetent orange bastard would have kept the pandemic going for at least another year. Now, Sleepy Joe is getting everyone vaccinated, the economy is properly juiced and loads of people are buying our fucking meatballs. This sucks”

Hemster then stormed away and was last seen walking slowly down Eggert Road in his sweatpants and hoodie with head down grumbling to himself.

By P.A. Kane

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