Washington D.C.—This week an unhinged President Trump accepted the resignation of chief confidant Hope Hicks, referred to Attorney General, Jeff Sessions as DISGRACEFUL, embraced many of the left’s positions on gun safety, recklessly imposed new tariffs on steel and aluminum and considered further staff changes at John Kelly’s Chief of Staff position and in advisory roles son-in law,  Jared Kushner  and daughter Ivanka play. positions. Amid this chaos, Buffalo Mud has obtained White House phone logs which reveal a deluge of inquiries made by staffers for lifeboat options and services as Trump and his administration blunders toward an irrevocable and titanic crash.

Chief of Staff, General John Kelly, former commander of the United States Southern Command made calls to his former colleagues at the Marine Corps and secured a fully equipped special operations craft: the Riverine. Docked on the Potomac. the gun boat features: 2x GAU-17 miniguns; 1x M2HB .50 caliber machine gun; 2x M240B 7.62 mm light machine guns; 2x 40 mm Mk 19 grenade launchers because when this thing crashes Kelly is betting it ain’t going to be pretty.  

Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump mapping out life after the White House, provided they are spared Mueller indictments, leveraged the largely unoccupied property at 666 Fifth Avenue and received another $500 million loan  from Deutsche Bank to purchase the Costa Concordia cruise liner which sank after hitting a rock outside of Tuscany in 2012. The hole has been patched and the ship is currently receiving Trump style gold plating and will be called the USS Ivanka. A spokesman for Kushner said stateroom sales are not where they need to be, but they are hoping for a boost with the announcement that Ivanka is set to host numerous yoga classes and Willie Robertson of Duck Dynasty fame, will hold seminars on how to tie a headband, beard growing and how to profit from bullshit Christian values you don’t really believe or follow.   

Secretary of HUD, Ben Carson after already cutting programs that help low income and poor people announced further agency cuts as he searches for a lifeboat that can accomodate the $31K dining table he bought for his office at taxpayer expense. A spokesman for Carson said, “We invested in this asset and the Secretary thinks it would be unwise to dispense with it, since it makes him look powerful while still being quite comfortable.

Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders contacted Noah’s Ark builders as she will need a large, impenetrable ship as the fall out from the endless bullshit she spouted on behalf of the President is likely to come careening back at her and her family. She also needs space for said family, pets which include: four dogs, seven goats, three cows and a service falcon named Bucky, which she holds at night when she feels lonely. Huckabee Sanders will also need space to house what is said to be the largest collection of Rascal Flatts memorabilia in the United States.

As expected Counselor to the President, Kellyanne Conway made no inquiries as her soul was purchased and dispensed with long ago. Conway will go down with the ship.          

The post Preparing For Crash White House Staffers Make Lifeboat Inquiries appeared first on buffalomud.com.

, to announce he too would be willing to deny a sexual relationship with the President in lieu $200,000 payment.

It is unclear if Kane even knows Trump, but thinks his election was the biggest con ever perpetrated against the working people of America. Once the check clears however, he said he would never tell a soul that Trump likes to be called: “Big Daddy Rump Rump,” while gently having his pasty white ass kneaded like it was pizza dough.

Kane went on to say that he would withhold information about the numerous boasts Trump made regarding the suppleness of his lips and the magic he could perform with his pinky finger. He would strenuously deny Trump ever held up his petite, money grubbing hands and brag, “I can tell you this, with just my pinky I’ll make you sing like a siren. Believe me.”

He would also forever remain quiet about the time in the Oval Office when he and Trump acted out the “Indian Removal Act of 1830,” in their tighty whities. The Act led to the relocation of thousands of Native Americans from  ancestral lands to shithole parts of the South and Oklahoma. Many died along the way from exposure and starvation  on what became known as the “The Trail Of Tears.” Kane said he would remain mum about how Trump, as Andrew Jackson chased him around the Oval Office, brandishing his pinky finger, while he played the opposition role of Henry Clay. Breathlessly, Trump would huff: “Henry, Henry… c’mon let’s get together on this. Let’s march all the brown people away.”

Additionally, Kane vowed not theorize about the tough guy persona being a ruse and that deep down all Trump really wants is to be loved. Sent away to military school as a young man and later mentored by the despicable and unyielding Roy Cohn, Trump grew hard around the edges, yet secretly craved approval and love. He is loath to tell anyone Trump likes his head gently stroked while being held and told: “There, there, Big Daddy Rump Rump, you’re a good boy. And yes, your button is bigger than both Kim Jong Un’s and… and Vladimir Putin’s.” The Putin thing makes him especially happy—but you didn’t hear that from Kane.

Trump responded to these non-accusations, accusations by saying: “Kane is a total loser and is using me to sell his really boring coming of age novel set in 1979 Buffalo. He has only been able to get one women to marry him twenty-five years ago, he sends his kids to state schools and his pick up truck is a decade old. Except for that stuff about the magic of my pinky finger and the size of my button, his satire site is total fake news and he is a total loser. Believe me.”

Sources say Kane is laying low, enjoying the delights of another Buffalo winter and is hoping not to say anything, to anyone, anymore.

The post Local Author Willing To Deny Sexual Relationship With Trump In Lieu Of $200K Payment appeared first on buffalomud.com.

The often terminated and twice married Palo Alto resident complained for years he was misunderstood and his statements to women in the workplace about the way they filled out a sweater or how certain stretch pants really brought out the roundness of their asses were meant as compliments. “I was just trying to be nice,” was often the refrain he used to explain himself to human resource reps. “Ya know, point out to the ladies that whatever they were doing, it was working.”

Despite his struggles with inappropriate statements in the workplace Dunphy claims he has evolved. His first wife left him after he sent her a short video of himself masterbating while each of them were at work. Understanding this mistake he left out the video and made a call to his second wife while she was at the grocery store and made lewd barking noises as he achieved completion. The unnamed second wife is said to have left her shopping cart, driven to her parents house and locked herself in childhood bedroom for three days until the hideous barking noises left her head. “My second wife was very sensitive,” Dunphy said. “I feel bad about what I put her through.” My acts were meant to show how much I loved and missed being away from both women, but now I know what I did was wrong. And, I’ve learned from these experiences and only engage in self love privately these days. Except for a couple stumbles in the Sunnyvale  restrooms, I’ve been very good at controlling myself.  And, to be fair, those stumbles occurred when the Stanford women’s cross country team was practicing in the park. I mean, what was I supposed to do?”  

Learning about the Weinstein scandal and noting some similarities in his own behavior led Dunphy to do a fateful Google search: creepiest things men do. The results were shocking. Consistently, at every site he consulted, Dunphy found his thoughts, deeds and statements in line with what women found highly creepy.  He said, “At first I tried to rationalize, telling myself, ‘What’s so wrong with telling a woman she’s beautiful like fifty times while invading her personal space? Or asking them to: Smile. Or informing them you’ve been thinking about them in private moments and then make the universal gesture for rolling your own dice.’ What’s wrong with any of it?’  And, don’t tell me it’s not funny to send a dick pic asking “How do you like my new hair cut?”

But given the torrent of outrage directed at Weinstein and his own research Dunphy was prompted reassess his life. After a few days of moody reflection which included denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance Dunphy came to the conclusion he is a total asshole and his tattoos are pretty stupid as well.

Dunphy is grateful for this breakthrough, but is unsure where to go from here. “It’s really gratifying to become more self-aware, but after a lifetime of being a total asshole, its not like there’s some switch I can just turn off that would make all my creepiness float away into the ether. My revelations also don’t make Haley, the mail room girl’s ass any less spectacular either. So, for now I’m just trying to remain focused on my work and remove myself from compromising situations, while I get some therapy. But, I swear removing these tattoos will be easier and less painful for a creep like me than not being hypnotized by a healthy pair of boobs…Arrgh, there I go again. I’m such an asshole.”       

The post Palo Alto Man Realizes He’s A Total Asshole appeared first on buffalomud.com.