Citing a subpoena, Taylor Green commenced the witness part of the hearing by calling Aaron Rodgers, to defend his long-running woke PBS children’s program, Mr.Rodgers Neighborhood, which taught the un-American values of kindness and empathy. A staffer whispered in her ear that she was mixing up Fred Rogers, the progams’s host and creator who passed in 2003 with NFL Quarterback Aaron Rodgers. Taylor Green shouted down the staffer, saying “fake news,” and referred to abundant visual evidence of the earthy sweater-clad Rodgers hosting the program before issuing a contempt of Congress order for him. 

Next, Taylor Green called on seasoned Sesame Street character Big Bird to testify. Her first question to the non-flying, eight-foot-two-inch-tall bright yellow anthropomorphic bird was: “Are you now or have you ever been a member of the communist party?”

Big Bird responded, “I don’t know about all that, but I can ride a unicycle, roller and ice skate, dance, swim, sing, draw and write poetry. Can you write poetry, Representative Taylor Green? Let’s try one together. I’ll start:

Roses are red 

Violets are blue

Look Marjore Taylor

You have a muppet face too

With that, Representative Taylor angrily pounded her gavel on the desk and then spewed a litany of transgressions committed by Big Bird against the American people, which included teaching children to cope with grief and loss, the importance of learning and curiosity, friendship and kindness, the value of being yourself, acceptance and inclusion and finally patience and cooperation.

“Yes,” the fluffy orange-footed bird said. “I’ve done all those things. I’ve also taught people who are sad, angry, and stupid to be happy and not so stupid with songs. How about we sing a happy song about cooperation, and maybe you won’t be so sad or stupid, Representative Taylor Green.” 

Big Bird then broke into this old favorite.

But nobody was less sad or stupid, especially Represenative Taylor Green, and Big Bird was quickly handcuffed and put on a plane to El Salvador, where he was defeathered and beaten.

Representatives from the Trump administration are searching yoga studios, monasteries and darkness retreats for Aaron Rodges to serve him his contempt papers.

Hearings continue tomorrow. Expected to take the witness stand is Cookie Monster. Mr. Monster will have to answer for his lifelong deceit and theft of cookies.

The post Aaron Rodgers Faces Contempt Charges; Big Bird Grilled At GOP PBS, NPR Hearings appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Buffalo, NY—Married for what seems like a thousand years, Donna Kane the wife of local author P.A. Kane has informed her often distant and non-responsive husband that when he becomes older and more infirm and can no longer care for himself, she plans to culture him in things she loved and he ignored in healthier days. Books, old movies, tv shows and of course, work stories . . . the never-ending work stories.

Forever resistant to the joy she found in the books of humorist David Sedaris, she plans on reading  the entire canon of his essays out loud to her husband. When done she intends to gleefully to go on and on about all the wacky, idiosyncratic events in Sedaris’ life . . . picking up garbage on the side of the road in the UK, the beach house named C-Section (haha)in North Carolina, the smoking compulsion of his mother and more. She also is planning extensive talks about his sisters: Amy, Lisa and Gretchen and Paul, the brother who has become a conspiracy nut. After Sedaris, it’s on to Jane Austin and Emily Bronte.

Enduring that, if the sweet release of death hasn’t taken already him , Kane’s wife plans on wheeling him in front of the TV and making him watch all the black and white movies she had loved on AMC. For years Kane teased her for crying at such hokey, over-dramatic movies. And, if that doesn’t finish him off, she’ll break out TV shows he truly despised—the UK produced Agatha Christie murder mysteries: Miss Marple and Poirot with a healthy dose of Inspector Morse or Vera for added misery.

Donna’s work and co-workers never much interested her husband either. Therefore, when he can no longer dismissively roll his eyes and walk out of the room as she goes on and on about Tim, who works for Charlie who works for Karen— that Karen is always so helpful organizing off sites, she plans on detailing her work stories to him inch by inch, grain by grain: the Christmas party debacle of 2002, the Power Point mix-up of 2009, the 2017 case of the missing tax filings. And, when she’s done with those stories she’ll talk about her work friend Jen. Kane especially hated the anecdotal information he gleaned over the years about her not so unpredictable, shoot from the hip work friend Jen.   

And while making him endure these markers of her life that he ignored, she will see that he is finally properly groomed. No longer will there be any errant nose or ear hairs. His nails will be meticulously trimmed and his dirty stinky ass, the source of so much despairing laundry through the years, will be cleaner than a freshly bleached factory that produces anti-bacterial wipes and hand sanitizer.

Contemplating his fate Kane has increased his intake of fried food, started smoking non-filters and has been playing chicken with angry Trump-loving white dudes in pick-up trucks, all while insisting no one is less afraid of his wife than him.

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