Buffalo, New York—After learning Oscar winner, Gary Oldman (The Darkest Hour) was previously married to Uma Thurman for two years, local author P.A. Kane (Written In The Stars: The Book Of Molly) thinks he might have a shot with the Kill Bill, actress.

“Why not,” Kane said, “there’s still some zip left in my fast ball and it occasionally hits the strike zone.  And, if the lovely Ms. Thurman  would be with the bloated crank from The Darkest Hour, I don’t see why she wouldn’t take a shot on me. I’m half as bloated as that guy and I have good teeth.”

Kane also noted that he was a kind and gentle lover and as the 1.6 millionth ranked author on Amazon the potential for personal growth with him was nearly unlimited. “There’s not much going on besides money and stability with these Hollywood superheros, ” Kane said. “It’s all beemers, silk sheets and fabulous parties. But when you have to scratch and claw for your existence, that’s when you know you’re alive, that’s when you’re having fun. Think how good Uma would look cruising with me in my 2008 Dodge Dakota on our way to Denny’s for a Grand Slam?”

Citing the recent Maureen Dowd article in the New York Times, where Thurman bravely recalled the sexual abuse and blackballing she endured at the hands of disgraced and soon to indicted movie mogel, Harvey Weinstein, Kane said that would never would be a problem for her again. “I would worship her and being a South Buffalo native, everybody knows you raise an eyebrow in our direction, even slightly, you can expect whatever teeth you have left Gary Oldman, to be removed from your fucking skull. That’s how we roll here.”

Rhetorically, Kane then asked, “Did you ever meet anyone named Gary that wasn’t an asshole?”

Asked whether this would mean an end to his twenty-five year marriage Kane indicated that he still loves his wife and wants to be with her, but a break would do both of them good. “I mean, how many stories can a person endure about someone’s impulsive work friend Renee?” he asked sticking to the rhetorical questions. “She’s plenty sick of me too,” he continued. “She’s sick of my dishes in the sink, my poopy boxers and gets annoyed when I don’t care what Mika  just said on Morning Joe.  I think she would like to give someone else a try too, someone like Michael B. Jordan, who played Erik Killmonger in the Black Panther movie. She downplays it, but I know she’s crushing on him because in the movie she wanted him to win the challenge and remain the Black Panther and then have him come over here from Wakanda and kick some serious ass on the NRA, Donald Trump and the Koch brothers.”

Asked what he would do if his overtures to Ms. Thurman were rejected, Kane thought for a moment and said, “I’d pursue Hillary Clinton’s aide. Huma Abedin. I like her too. Whether Uma or Huma, there’s lots of women out there with those kinds of names that would do well with a guy like me.”

Neither, Uma Thurman or Huma Abedin returned calls for comment.        

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Good news snowflakes: Marvel Studios has contracted with Martin Scorsese to bring their beloved superhero Buffman to the big screen!

Buffman was a staple of early comics and 1950s TV serials, but he fell out of favor with popular culture during a mid-eighties revival that reimagined him as a single dad struggling to raise three lovable but exasperating daughters with his senile uncle. The new movie will reportedly be an origin story, revisiting the character’s dark beginnings: Born Shawn Ralph O’Shawnessey in Riverside to wealthy but careless parents during the debauchery of the Roaring Twenties, Buffman froze his nuts off in the Blizzard of ’43. No longer consumed by trying to score with the girls, Buffman answered  a higher calling: keeping the streets of Buffalo safe from crime and evil. Notable stories in the canon include “Buffman vs. Goebbels”, “Buffman and the Snowman’s Curse” and the controversial “Buffman Embraces the Metric System”.

Marvel states that the movie WILL exist in the current MCU (Marvel Comics Universe); Tony Stark and Captain America are rumored to have cameos. In a departure from past Marvel films, Buffman is introduced to the Avengers not by Samuel Jackson’s eye-patch-wearing Nick Fury, but by his old college roommate Bruce Banner. Buffman had been oblivious to his meek friend’s alter ego throughout college, until they went to a Superbowl Party in 1991. The combination of copious tequila and Scott Norwood sent Banner into a green rage that destroyed most of the Kappa Douche Kappa house (R.I.P. Jimmy “The Wingman” Brutowski). Initial reports from the writer’s room claim the movie will take place in 2020, when a fictional 239 lb. president obsessed with penis size and blinded by cheeto dust has lost control of the nuclear arsenal.

Seeking the kind of success found by “Deadpool”, the film will be rated a “hard-R” with adult language, gratuitous violence and extensive full frontal male nudity. Fran Drescher is in talks to play the female love interest, a brain surgeon with a sexy dark side; Andy Sirkis has been floated for a radioactive Tom Brady as the antagonist. As part of the current, hip ‘feel’ the filmmakers are shooting for, the soundtrack will be written by Sting, and recorded solely on the lute.

Filming is scheduled to begin early 2019 in British Columbia.

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