Some might see the decision to introduce firearms into an environment serving  alcohol, which impairs judgment and reasoning, with a skeptical eye. But the Byrd House patrons appreciate restaurant management for providing them with a Second Amendment solution to the never ending encroachment of outsiders in Orchard Park, where the median household income is $90K—fifth highest in Western New York.

Harry Hammerfoo of Powers Road said some guy he had never seen before in a pair of white Crocs and a Bob Dylan t-shirt was sitting at a table in the Byrd House with a Full Greek Salad and a Guinness reading poetry—it made Hammerfoo really uncomfortable. “He was just sitting there reading “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufock.” I mean who reads poetry anymore. It was very suspicious. I’m just glad I had my 9mm Staccato in case this bastard came at me with some iambic pentameter or a metaphor about a less traveled road.  

Lily Lichenfunk of Barkley Drive said she fears what’s going to happen when catch and release Kathy Hochul brings all the migrants and asylum seekers to the SUNY campuses in Western New York. “Everybody knows how it’s going to play out with these turnip smelling migrants. They’re going to get benefit cards and then jump in Ubers and before you know it they’ll be three deep at the bar ordering Crunchy Rolls and Blue Moons. It’s such bullshit. But thanks to Byrd House management and my Sig Sauer I won’t be intimidated by this un-American nonsense. 

Duane Dubblechin of Sunset Lane says drinking at the Byrd House has improved immensely since the outline of his Smith & Wesson is clearly visible beneath his outer shirt. “I have a big personality and sometimes I can get a bit loud. So when I’m railing against those Dominion son-of-bitches who stole the election from Trump and some snowflake tries to correct me with this twaddle about FOX having to pay a $787 million settlement—they think twice. Same when they come at me with that peer review bullshit. I tap Mr. Smith & Wesson under my shirt and say peer review this bitch. The Byrd House—it’s a beautiful thing.” 

NeighborhoodScout found that in Orchard Park the violent crime rate is well below the national average. Violent crimes such as assault, rape, murder and armed robbery happen less often in Orchard Park than in most of America. One’s chance of becoming a victim of a violent crime in Orchard Park is one in 3063, which is a violent crime rate of 0 per one thousand inhabitants.

But everyone knows egghead studies are done by elites with an agenda and a good guy with a gun . . . is more likely to be a victim of gun violence than those without guns.

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