Study Finds AR15 Owners Have Highest Prevalence Of Micro-Penises


Wheeling, WV—A wide-ranging study conducted by Schlong University found that military style, AR15 gun owners have the highest prevalence of micro-penises in the country. Lead researcher Dr. Christopher Hoggsealt said the study surveyed some ten thousand men and found a stunning correlation between the penis size and the type and amount of firearms men own. 

Said Dr. Hoggsealt, “For the sportsman who hunts once or twice a year and owns a shotgun or two there was a preponderance of unimpressive penises of two-inches or less. These are mostly white men who in addition to hunting, compensate for their small penis size with pick-up trucks, classic rock and alcohol. It’s when you get to the white men with multiple weapons and AR15s that you really start to see those micro-dicks. These men often have open carry permits and seem to take pleasure in creating fear in the general population as a way to compensate for their little ineffectual button headed dicks and their diminished role in society.”

Dr. Hoggsealt had no definitive explanation for these trends but suspects these are men with low self-esteem, who suffer from a lack of contact with diverse information and people. They have stereotypical and outdated views of male gender roles and aren’t open to new ideas or personal evolution. Their view of a real man is a cross between spaghetti western Clint Eastwood and John Wick who indiscriminately gun down people often without cause or consequence, while someone like Colin Kapernick, who takes a strong, non-violent stance about societal injustice is seen as weak and impotent. 

Dr. Hoggsealt also found white men tend to feel inadequate once their sports days are over and they settle down with one woman. With no place to express their strength and masculinity, no games to dominate at, they often feel a void in their lives. In the past they typically filled this void with work and being the breadwinner, but with changing roles that sees women adding significantly to the bottom line these men feel diminished. Add a micro-penis into the mix and you have a man in desperate need to express his masculinity. More and more they are turning to firearms as a way to recapture their perceived loss of dominance. 

Other indicators of diminished penis size found by researchers:
1.The impulse to strike out at satire writers who compare gun ownership to penis size.

2. Sunglasses inside, in the dark or during a rainstorm brightly reveals a micro tallyslacker.

3. Led Zeppelin- C’mon, enough already . . . Tiny.

4. Lecturing endlessly about freedom is an indicator that you are a dick, but not that you have a dick that functions any real way.  

5. Displaying a “Repeal The Safe Act,” sign on your lawn: little sign . . . little peepee.  

6. Van Halen- (see Led Zeppelin . . . Tiny)

7. Reference to women that won’t sleep with you as “bitches.” Again, a dick, but not one that functions.

8. “Don’t Tread On Me” flag, indicates you’ve been compensating for your lack of penis size since the Tea Party movement of 2010.

9. Love of Sean Hannity reveals a strong attraction to dicks, but not that you have one of any consequence.

10. Mustang and Camaro ownership is still the greatest indicator of a Stuart McSmallysmallysmally.   

Dr. Hoggsealt is continuing this line of research and is presently trying to identify trends associated with well-endowed men. Preliminary findings suggest great satisfaction with penis size from people hooking up at the many resistance marches that have occurred since 2016. Even when physical size wasn’t present, sex with a well-read person who believes in peer reviewed verifiable science and social justice, resulted in greater satisfaction with size.      

About P.A. Kane

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