Citing a subpoena, Taylor Green commenced the witness part of the hearing by calling Aaron Rodgers, to defend his long-running woke PBS children’s program, Mr.Rodgers Neighborhood, which taught the un-American values of kindness and empathy. A staffer whispered in her ear that she was mixing up Fred Rogers, the progams’s host and creator who passed in 2003 with NFL Quarterback Aaron Rodgers. Taylor Green shouted down the staffer, saying “fake news,” and referred to abundant visual evidence of the earthy sweater-clad Rodgers hosting the program before issuing a contempt of Congress order for him. 

Next, Taylor Green called on seasoned Sesame Street character Big Bird to testify. Her first question to the non-flying, eight-foot-two-inch-tall bright yellow anthropomorphic bird was: “Are you now or have you ever been a member of the communist party?”

Big Bird responded, “I don’t know about all that, but I can ride a unicycle, roller and ice skate, dance, swim, sing, draw and write poetry. Can you write poetry, Representative Taylor Green? Let’s try one together. I’ll start:

Roses are red 

Violets are blue

Look Marjore Taylor

You have a muppet face too

With that, Representative Taylor angrily pounded her gavel on the desk and then spewed a litany of transgressions committed by Big Bird against the American people, which included teaching children to cope with grief and loss, the importance of learning and curiosity, friendship and kindness, the value of being yourself, acceptance and inclusion and finally patience and cooperation.

“Yes,” the fluffy orange-footed bird said. “I’ve done all those things. I’ve also taught people who are sad, angry, and stupid to be happy and not so stupid with songs. How about we sing a happy song about cooperation, and maybe you won’t be so sad or stupid, Representative Taylor Green.” 

Big Bird then broke into this old favorite.

But nobody was less sad or stupid, especially Represenative Taylor Green, and Big Bird was quickly handcuffed and put on a plane to El Salvador, where he was defeathered and beaten.

Representatives from the Trump administration are searching yoga studios, monasteries and darkness retreats for Aaron Rodges to serve him his contempt papers.

Hearings continue tomorrow. Expected to take the witness stand is Cookie Monster. Mr. Monster will have to answer for his lifelong deceit and theft of cookies.

The post Aaron Rodgers Faces Contempt Charges; Big Bird Grilled At GOP PBS, NPR Hearings appeared first on buffalomud.com.

“The McMumford Family of East Aurora want Aunt Hazel to know that they miss her and want her to come back home.”

That was the sole line of last night’s press release as given to WGRZ, and just the latest twist to come out of East Aurora since this local mystery has turned into a national scandal. To recap: On April 6, 2020, Hazel P McMumford went out in the late morning to hike to Knox Farms. Though she didn’t return by dusk, the family initially wasn’t worried.

“She had plenty of water and jerky. She’d been following the stories of those gals that got lost hiking out west,” said her common-law husband Earl, “and while some would say Hazel is a few fries short of a Happy Meal, she’s good about being prepared. But when three-days done come by and gone, we started worrying.”

Although they would not realize it for months, Aunt Hazel had stumbled onto a cross country bus that was taking some recovering lobotomy patients to Disneyworld. She would end up getting off that bus during a stop in Atlanta and walking straight into the backstage area of an Alex Jones Rally. An hour later, after giving a rambling & incoherent speech to a rapt crowd, a star was born. Prominent local Republican Officials immediately recognized her regional appeal, and in a move straight out of the Manchurian Candidate they gave her a new identity – Marjorie Taylor Greene. They outfitted her with a dumbass cowboy hat and drove her down to the 14^th District to became a candidate for Congress.

Fast-forward eight months, and the poor McMumford family is fielding questions about Jewish Space Lasers and public hangings. “It’s not her fault,” says nephew Billy McMumford. “She ain’t have her meds for almost a year now. What worries me is they been givin her real weapons to pose with for all those campaign pictures. Up here we keep her hands filled with water guns, ears of corn and snow balls.”

As to the larger issue of what this says about society, government, mental health, and the north-south Greyhound bus route, McMumford family patriarch Eugene Q McMumford III is philosophic: “I’ve always reckoned that a intellectually challenged person from East Aurora is still smarter than most folks out there in the great wide world. Guess’en this just proves me right.”

By Dave P. Zach– reader, writer, dog walker and Kanye fixer.

The post Local Family Pleads With Georgia To Return Their Aunt Hazel appeared first on buffalomud.com.