“Why the hell can’t anyone stick the landing?”

Local Pennsylvanian and Senior Mud Contributor- David P. Zach has a problem with how storytellers are wrapping up their tales. “I don’t get it. I haven’t spent years of my life giving birth to these epics, but I’m pretty sure I could pound out a better finale for any of them in a weekend, tops.”

Zach, who was raised on Tolkien (i.e. the Only Books that Matter), is quick to point out that his ideas aren’t just better, they’re much, much better. “Game of Thrones, Avengers, 50 Shades of Grey, The Big Bang Theory – none of these writers have a CLUE how to wrap things up. Did Victor Hugo struggle deciding to burn up Boo Radley’s sled in the final scene?? No.

“Maybe it’s a generational thing,” he muses. “Things were different when I was young. People knew how and when to end something. The Godfather, St Elsewhere, Designing Women, Copacabana – talk about leaving on a high note! And it’s not just stories: Jefferson Airplane knew when their time was done. Same with Chuck Norris . And you don’t see Bruce Jenner still hawking boxes of Wheaties.”

Asked when things started going wrong, Zach points to the last decade. “The Sopranos? A fat middle-aged guy listening to Journey and not talking to his family?? Or as we call it, Tuesday?” And don’t get him started on LOST. “They’re dead, they’re not dead, they’re listening to Three Dog Night. And what happened to Walt?!?”

Zach was eager to give examples of how he would fix the stories of lesser men when it came to finales:

Kill Bill –  The Bride finds the man of her dreams in western New York and they live happily ever after.

Toy Story – Chucky from Child’s Play leads Buzz, Woody and the gang on a suicide mission to the Chinese factory where they were all made.

The Cosby Show – Phylicia Rashad gets replaced by Mariska Hargitay in the final year to ratchet up the tension.

Leaving Jackson Wolf – More hobbits.

The 1990 Buffalo Bills – Scott Norwood kills the Night King.

KISS – The band was just a bad dream in an autistic boy’s snow-globe fantasy world.

Asked about putting in the time and effort to build his own creation from scratch, Zach said that while he had considered it, he ultimately felt his talents were best put to use pointing out the failures of others.

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Boffleflot, United Kingdom – Ninth Circuit Court has agreed to hear “Tolkien v. Kane”, in which the late author’s estate has sued under the plagiary statute, stating that Kane’s latest work, Leaving Jackson Wolf borrows liberally from the epic novels of Middle-Earth.

Some of the arguments listed in the suit:

McDougal is clearly a hobbit – The new book’s opening line – “McDougal had some pituitary dysfunction bullshit that made him a little runt” – makes it clear that Kane is co-opting Tolkien’s creation of a diminutive, reluctant hero.

Prince’s Blade Gaming = Rivendell – Tolkien describes the Elvish valley of Rivendell as “the last homely house west of the Misty Mountains”, a haven of peace and refuge in a troubled world. (Scholars differ on whether Mike or Denny represents Elrond.)

Jackson’s reading habits – It has long been accepted that The Sound and the Fury was a cheap knock-off of The Lay of Aotrou and Itroun.

Trump/Sauron – The object of Wolf’s father’s devotion, Kane’s grotesque orange specter is often referenced but never actually depicted on page.

Elves/Elvis – Tolkien writes of the Elves in over-the-top, glowing prose – “They are fair of face beyond the measure of men” – yet most of Middle-Earth is privately put off by their holier-than-thou smugness. Plus, their music sucks.

Buffalo or Morder? – “Mists curled and smoked from dark and noisome pools. The air, as it seemed to them, grew harsh, and filled with a bitter reek that caught their breath and parched their mouths.”

The Authors – Tolkien was a middle-aged white man with a penchant for odd headwear and Baked Lays. Sound familiar?

Until the suit is settled, both Barnes & Noble and Sunoco will pull the hardback of Leaving Jackson Wolf from the shelves. Kane has decried the setback as an infringement on his 19th amendment rights. Judges Jeanine Pirro, Andrew Napolitano and Judy have all weighed in, stating that the case appears to be a slam-dunk for the Tolkien Estate. Miramax has snapped up the story rights; filming on the legal thriller will begin this January, with Andy Serkis portraying Kane in a CGI role.

UPDATE – Brett Kavanaugh sent out a drunken tweet daring the 9^th Circuit to send the case up to the United States Supreme Court, where he would “stand up for my man P.A. Kane like bros do.”

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Leaving Jackson Wolf

Recently, the Kane’s celebrated their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary which went completely unnoticed because, “I don’t go on social media and say all this dumb shit about her still being my best friend and a babe,” Kane said. Instead of making half-hearted, cliched pronouncements on social media, he prefers to do what he deems “real things” and have “real experiences.” For instance, the weekend of their anniversary, he and Donna went with friends to Detroit. Yeah, that Detroit. They stayed at an airbnb in a dangerous neighborhood, drank in shithole bars, spooned and listened to beautiful hopelessness of Conor Oberst. It was lovely, unforced together time devoid of all the pomp and circumstance that so often accompanies occasions. And, that’s Love tip #1—real things-real experiences.

Love tip #2—After a ten or eleven hour day at work one can be frazzled and ill tempered. But you know when you get home your lady is going to want to talk. She’ll want to tell you about her day and what her mostly, uninteresting work friend Sophia said. She’ll ask about other shit too: an appointment or something you promised to fix. Whatever it is you’ll be in no mood to deal with it. And, telling her you had a long day and can’t handle any conversation doesn’t cut it because in all likelihood she probably dealt with a whole bunch of shit today too. So what you have to do Kane says, “Take ten minutes on your way home and get her a six-pack of beer and a bag of Baked Lays.” Even if you already have beer at home (more on that in a moment) do this. She’ll be so thrilled with your thoughtfulness, she’ll be more than happy to just let you chill and get your shit together—maybe she’ll even make you a sandwich, but don’t count on it. Also, you get the Baked Lays because everyone likes a little salty snack with their beer and if you’re going have a salty snack there are much worse choices you can make than Baked Lays. Do this and you’ll be happy and she’ll be happy.

As far as picking up a six-pack even if you already have beer at home Kane says, “One of the immutable laws in life is: you can never have too much beer. You can have just enough, or heaven forbid, not enough, but you can never have too much. So buy all the six packs your fridge can handle, they never get wasted. That’s a bonus life lesson tip provided free of charge.”

Look for more of Kane’s love tips here and across his various social media platforms.               

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