Some might see the decision to introduce firearms into an environment serving  alcohol, which impairs judgment and reasoning, with a skeptical eye. But the Byrd House patrons appreciate restaurant management for providing them with a Second Amendment solution to the never ending encroachment of outsiders in Orchard Park, where the median household income is $90K—fifth highest in Western New York.

Harry Hammerfoo of Powers Road said some guy he had never seen before in a pair of white Crocs and a Bob Dylan t-shirt was sitting at a table in the Byrd House with a Full Greek Salad and a Guinness reading poetry—it made Hammerfoo really uncomfortable. “He was just sitting there reading “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufock.” I mean who reads poetry anymore. It was very suspicious. I’m just glad I had my 9mm Staccato in case this bastard came at me with some iambic pentameter or a metaphor about a less traveled road.  

Lily Lichenfunk of Barkley Drive said she fears what’s going to happen when catch and release Kathy Hochul brings all the migrants and asylum seekers to the SUNY campuses in Western New York. “Everybody knows how it’s going to play out with these turnip smelling migrants. They’re going to get benefit cards and then jump in Ubers and before you know it they’ll be three deep at the bar ordering Crunchy Rolls and Blue Moons. It’s such bullshit. But thanks to Byrd House management and my Sig Sauer I won’t be intimidated by this un-American nonsense. 

Duane Dubblechin of Sunset Lane says drinking at the Byrd House has improved immensely since the outline of his Smith & Wesson is clearly visible beneath his outer shirt. “I have a big personality and sometimes I can get a bit loud. So when I’m railing against those Dominion son-of-bitches who stole the election from Trump and some snowflake tries to correct me with this twaddle about FOX having to pay a $787 million settlement—they think twice. Same when they come at me with that peer review bullshit. I tap Mr. Smith & Wesson under my shirt and say peer review this bitch. The Byrd House—it’s a beautiful thing.” 

NeighborhoodScout found that in Orchard Park the violent crime rate is well below the national average. Violent crimes such as assault, rape, murder and armed robbery happen less often in Orchard Park than in most of America. One’s chance of becoming a victim of a violent crime in Orchard Park is one in 3063, which is a violent crime rate of 0 per one thousand inhabitants.

But everyone knows egghead studies are done by elites with an agenda and a good guy with a gun . . . is more likely to be a victim of gun violence than those without guns.

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Wheeling, WV—A wide-ranging study conducted by Schlong University found that military style, AR15 gun owners have the highest prevalence of micro-penises in the country. Lead researcher Dr. Christopher Hoggsealt said the study surveyed some ten thousand men and found a stunning correlation between penis size and firearm ownership. 

Said Dr. Hoggsealt, “For the sportsman who hunts once or twice a year and owns a shotgun or two there was a preponderance of unimpressive penises of two-inches or less. These are mostly white men who in addition to hunting, compensate for their penis deficiency with pick-up trucks, classic rock and alcohol. It’s when you get to the white men with multiple weapons and AR15s that you really start to see those micro-dicks. These men often have open carry permits and seem to take pleasure in creating fear in the general population as a way to compensate for their little ineffectual button headed dicks and their diminished role in society.”

Dr. Hoggsealt had no definitive explanation for these trends but suspects these are men with low self-esteem, who suffer from a lack of contact with diverse information and people. They have stereotypical and outdated views of male gender roles and aren’t open to new ideas or personal evolution. Their view of a real man is a cross between spaghetti western Clint Eastwood and John Wick who indiscriminately gun down people often without cause or consequence. Conversely, they see men like Colin Kaepernick, who take strong, non-violent stances about societal injustice as weak and impotent. 

Dr. Hoggsealt also found white men tend to feel inadequate once their sports days are over and they settle down with one woman. With no place to express their strength and masculinity, no games to dominate at, they often feel a void in their lives. In the past they typically filled this void with work and being the breadwinner, but with changing roles that sees women adding significantly to the bottom line these men feel diminished. Add a micro-penis into the mix and you have a man in desperate need to express his masculinity. More and more they are turning to firearms as a way to recapture their perceived loss of dominance. 

Other ways men with mili-shafts compensate:
1. Have an impulsive need to strike out at satire writers who compare gun ownership to penis size.
2. Sunglasses- inside, in the dark, or in the rain — micro tallyslacker.
3. Led Zeppelin- C’mon, enough already little dick.
4. Endlessly lecture about liberty and freedom — dinky winky.  
5. “Repeal The Safe Act,” sign: little sign — little peepee.  
6. Van Halen- (see Led Zeppelin tiny)
7. Refer to women that won’t sleep with them as “bitches.” — centipeter
8. “Don’t Tread On Me” flag— lack of penis size since 2010 Tea Party movement.
9. Love of Tucker Carlson and or Sean Hannity reveals a strong attraction to dicks, but not that you have one of any consequence.
10. Mustang and Camaro ownership — Stuart McSmallysmallysmally.   

Dr. Hoggsealt is continuing this line of research and is presently trying to identify trends associated with well-endowed men. Preliminary findings suggest great satisfaction with penis size has been found among those attending resistance marches, library users, Prius drivers, windmill installers and, of course, gun control advocates.     

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