Grove City, Pa.— Most people are lucky to go through life possessing one noble quality. Perhaps they are as honest as the day is long. Or as dependable as the setting sun.

Occasionally, someone has two such qualities: generous AND wise.  Frugal AND hard-working . Groovy AND sexy.

And then, once every decade or so, there is someone like me: a good-looking stable  genius.

Now, some of you may feel that it’s a bit presumptuous of me, arrogant even, to assign myself these labels. I assure you that, as a genius, II would not do so without providing evidence:

1 – Good looking. First, my mom told me I was good looking. And if that’s not enough for you (and it really should be) I’m a middle aged man. Something our culture has clearly taught us is that men age GRACEFULLY. Every liver spot, grey hair and extra chin makes us that much more desirable to younger women.

2 – Stable. I have lived in northwestern Pennsylvania for twenty-five years. Where was I before that? Northeastern Ohio. Now, have I relegated myself to this one tiny spot on our glorious planet because I love it’s cumulative lack of  work, sunshine, culture and/or hope? No. It’s because I’m stable. Dependable. Rooted to this godforsaken patch of the Midwest like a diseased oak tree.

3 – Genius. I have a good brain. A great brain. Everybody knows it. Some people are saying it may be one of the GREATEST brains. And those people have pretty good brains. So who am I to disagree? Or who are you for that matter, with your sissy book-learning? Shmuck.

Now please: don’t let my unique awesomeness bring you down. I’m sure you have your moments. Perhaps you can spell well. Or maybe you chew very quietly. So, if you think you can deal with an honest assessment, I’d be happy to let you know how you stack up against the rest of humanity. Just send $19.95 to Buffalo Mud, along with two selfies and a 1000-word essay on why your dad had no influence on your success and/or how hard it is for flat-chested women to be a 10. (Also, please include a sincere apology for getting all “offended” when I called your mother a whore yesterday. Honestly, the whole country was embarrassed by that show you put on. You really need to say you’re sorry to all of us. Besides, it’s not my fault your mother’s a whore. Why don’t you just go back to her if you’re gonna get all self righteous about it…)

Lastly – I know that the losers and the haters among you are thinking, “this guy, he says he’s a good-looking stable genius on social media, but he does it in this exaggerated, over-the-top manner. That way, he can later dismiss it as a joke. But I think he’s just horribly overcompensating for his comb-over, his grotesque gut, his inability to speak at a third grade level, his non-existent emotional stability, and his keen knowledge that when the sands of time blow away his embarrassing bravado all that will be left is that picture of him trying to look sexy in a robe.” Well….

By David P. Zach- Kanye West fixer and handsome, stable, genius.

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Buffalo, NY—Hello. I’m David P. Zach. You may know me as the writer of the funny sections of this blog, but I’m much more than that: an entrepreneur, a dingo-enthusiast, a former cult leader. But today I want to talk to you about what I hold dearest to me.

D.A.M. – Dave’s Asbestos Miracle^tm

Nobody likes aging. And it’s especially hard for men. The thought that every woman out there no longer desperately desires us can be absolutely crippling to our feeling of self-worth. While I can’t help with that bulging belly or flimsy phallus, I CAN give you something that’ll make you feel eighteen again: a full head of natural, normal-looking, lustrous hair. Even your barber won’t know your secret!* Plus, D.A.M.^tm comes with a money-back-guarantee; if anyone figures out what the 411 is goin on up there, we’ll refund your payment.**

D.A.M.^tm is used by everyday joes and Hollywood megastars alike. That stud-muffin in the next cubicle? He’s wearing it. That actor cracking skulls and breaking hearts on the big screen ? He’s wearing it. Heck, even your dad is wearing it!***

Now, I’d like to take a moment to address the GOP elephant in the room: Stephen Miller. Yes, Stephen is a long-time customer, and normally D.A.M.^tm makes him look fantastic. But this past weekend, someone at the make-up desk (inside one of the FAKE NEWS networks, I might add) played a cruel joke on him. This resulted in a look that was less than optimal but also incredibly rare (see pictures right).

And on a personal note, I find Mr. P A Kane’s superficial attack on Stephen to be shameful and pathetic. Who is P A Kane to mock others? Is he Adonis? Is he Fabio? Is he Gerard Depardieu? I think not. (And do I really need to point out the obvious implication of a man who covers his head in a frilly French hat as opposed to manly American Asbestos?) This attack was as ludicrous and unhinged as the idea of, I don’t know, an obese orange clown sporting a malformed mushroom who calls people fat.

In summary, know that – like Cher said – you can indeed turn back time. And you can trust me. Because when it comes to Dave’s Asbestos Miracle, I’m not just the president; I’m a member.

*     – your barber will know.

**   – not valid in NY, PA and Fargo.

*** – your dad is not wearing it, but he is still disappointed in you.

The post D.A.M. – Dave’s Asbestos Miracle appeared first on buffalomud.com.