Forget the odor of decomposing fish and and the elevated levels of bacteria, Lebron James is not only going to save Woodlawn Beach, but all of Buffalo. In a sweeping interview the superstar tells Jim Nance  how.

Jim Nance: LeBron, thank you for your time today.

LeBron James: Always happy to talk to the little people.

JN: So, everyone was pretty shocked by the announcement that in 2019 you’ll be taking your talents to Woodlawn Beach.

LJ: Not just Woodlawn. Hamburg and Bennett Beach too. I actually plan on bringing my talents to the whole greater Buffalo area.

JN:  Despite the fact that Buffalo has no professional basketball team.

LJ: My talents reach far beyond the basketball court. I hope to bring the Stanley Cup and the Lombardi Trophy home to Buffalo in the coming year.

JN:  Really.

LJ: I figure I can average five goals a night for the Sabres.

JN:  And where do you see yourself on the Bills?

LJ: Punter.

JN:  Punter?

LJ: I’ve got a 5 second hang time and enough leg to flip the field.

JN:  Fantastic. Do you have any goals outside the sports arena?

LJ: Oh yeah. I’m gonna get the theater district hopping again. Me and Uma Thurman are starring in an updated version of “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner.” We’ll be playing the parents, and our daughter is dating an Elvis Costello impersonator.

JN:  Sounds terrifying.

LJ: It’s not for kids.

JN:  What else?

LJ: I’m holding a writing seminar in April called “More Tolkien, Less Tolstoy”.

JN:  Interesting choice.

LJ: Have you read the local writing coming out of here? Awful. Like, Shaq-free-throw awful. Mopey middle aged guys revisiting their misspent youth with all the subtlety of a Bob Knight chair-toss.

JN: Moving on… Some people feel that you’re a wildly overpaid man who gets tens of millions of dollars to throw a ball in a hoop.

LJ: I agree. But it’s merely a symptom of capitalism run amok. And there seems to be far less ire directed at the NBA owners who pocket ten times as much. Almost makes you wonder if there’s some difference between them and the players that is actually at the root of many people’s anger.

JN: Are you race-baiting?

LJ: No.

JN: I think you’re race-baiting.

LJ: And I think you’re a talking monkey that gets paid too much by CBS and Les Moonves, who by-the-way makes 70 million a year.

JN: He does??

LJ: Yeah.

JN: But I do all the work.

LJ: That’s not gonna be your strongest argument.

JN: Damn…. Any thoughts on Rosanne?

LJ: Dumb fat-ass.

JN:  Please don’t engage in body-shaming on my show.

LJ: But she’s a horrible person.

JN:  True.

LJ: At some point doesn’t the horrible nature of an individual override their right to not be physically mocked?

JN:  You mean like Kim Jong Un?

LJ: Or Skip Bayless.

JN:  Fair enough. Do you think the people of Cleveland will be as upset with your second departure?

LJ: Nah, they got Bon Jovi in that Hall of Fame now. They good.

JN:  Any last comments?

LJ: Do the rivers here catch fire…?

The post Taking His Talents To Woodlawn Beach And Beyond… appeared first on buffalomud.com.

was mocked, scorned and threatened after reasonably pointing out the Bills chances for success was not good this weekend against the Jacksonville Jaguars in their return to the NFL playoffs after a seventeen year absence.

Kane, who texts with his high school buddies: Al, Frank P. and the Doctor during the weekly Bills games, pointed out getting in with help  on a fourth and twelve Andy Dalton TD pass   was a  fluke. He reiterated, as much as he liked the direction and was into the Bills catch phrase, “trust the process,” they weren’t quite ready for prime time. His longtime friends weren’t having it, texts were furiously returned with stats documenting the erratic play of Jags QB, Blake Bortles while reminding Kane of the Bills big road wins against the Falcons and Chiefs. He countered that Tyrod Taylor was the 21st rated passer in the NFL and took 46 sacks and also added the big wins were countered  by blowouts losses to the Jets, Saints, Chargers and twice to the Patriots. The friends then accused Kane of being a killjoy, who probably told his kids: Santa isn’t real, Voldemort and Steve Bannon are just misunderstood and man will never solve climate change. They then started to mock the P.A. part of his name, saying it stood for: Poopy Ass,  Painful Asshole, Pigeon Anus, Pinhead Author, Penis Ant, Passive Aggressive Krank.

Later that week, sitting at the bar having a beef on weck at Wiechec’s in Kaisertown, Kane fell into conversation with a man and woman while they watched Bills highlights on the TV news. Again citing how excited he was about the Bills future, Kane said he didn’t see how they were going to win this week with LeSean McCoy injured and a shaky, hurt offensive line going against a Jags team that scored seven defensive TD’s and had 55 sacks. 

     Annoyed, the man said, “The Bills are due and Doug Marrone is an arrogant asshole.”     

     “That might be true, but it doesn’t explain how the Bills were going to succeed against the #2 defense in the league.”   

     “I don’t know,” the man said,  “Things happen for a reason. There’s something about a fourth and twelve Andy Dalton TD pass that’s like… destiny. And, Doug Marrone is an arrogant asshole.    

      “Really,” Kane said incredulously, “they’re due…destiny? What about things like statistical trends, talent, home field advantage?”     

     Just then the woman stood up and said, “Oh my god, I bet this nerdfuck never gets laid. Let’s go.”

The couple then got up and moved to the other end of the bar. There, they talked with other patrons, who all flipped Kane off.

Finally, during a break at his day job, seeing how unsuccessful he was pointing out the problems the Jags defense posed for the Bills, Kane asked his co-workers how the twenty-seventh ranked Bills run defense was going to deal with Leonard Fournette and the Jags #1 rated rushing offense. There was general agreement the Bills D needed to step up big and needed to keep it to a field goal game and maybe hit a few big plays. They were the most reasonable points Kane heard all week, but still he didn’t see how they were going to pull it off, while again saying that he “trusted the process.”

One of the guys sitting at the table, who hadn’t said a word yet finally spoke up and to great effect, “Hey Shakespeare, how about I stick the sharp end of a quill pen where the sun don’t shine and then maybe you, your stats and your non-Billief will get with the program.” Turning to others at the table he then said, “Fucking guy is a rain cloud on a sunny fucking day.”

Stunned, Kane, kind of just laughed off the threat while clenching his ass cheeks. Then, for a moment considered what would happen if the Bills did win. He was filled with instant dread, since he was going to get the same shit the following week, only worse because next up was Tom Brady and the Patriots and the Bills hadn’t been competitive with them since the Clinton administration.

Go Bills!!!

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Buffalo, New York—After two successive losses by the Buffalo Bills, including a 47-10 home ass whooping by the New Orleans Saints the sometimes questionable order of the universe remains stable.

The Bills 5-2 start to the 2017 NFL season produced growing speculation the universe might be subject to disruption by way of “Strange Matter.” The “Strange Matter,” theory posits contact of non-organized protons and neutrons with other matter could threaten the existing fabric of the universe. In other words, seventeen seasons of  non-organized protons and neutrons by the Bills that  seemed to be receding as a result of new contact with competent coaching and leadership might have produced a destabilizing effect on the universe. However, evidence from the last two weeks: losing the line of scrimmage on both sides of the ball. poor tackling, abundant penalties and the the inability of Tyrod Taylor to hit a pass longer than five yards, would seem to indicate the order of the universe completely safe from disruption.

Local author P.A. Kane foolishly sent texts to all his friends the morning of the Saints game saying a dome team playing a road game on a 40 degree day after winning six in a row was due for a let down. Although, disappointed Kane is happy not to have to waste any more Sundays pursuing the folly of the Bills and can resume promoting his novel Written In The Stars: The Book Of Molly, which ranks 1,863,583 on the Amazon Best Seller List.

At 5-2, erstwhile super fan, Captain Dave Kaprosch hinted he might un-retire the old shield and cape if the Bills made the playoffs. But now Kaprosch is looking to dump his tickets for the three remaining home games and use his Sundays to practice his Jim Mora impression aided by heavy doses of Captain Morgan and Ginger.

Buffalo expatriate Kevin McNamara,  sitting with a Molson Canadian and a tequila took a philosophical view, “Listen,” said the Charlotte, NC resident in a gravelly voice, “the Stones still rock, beer still gets you drunk and the Bills still suck. All is right. All is well.” 

As the Bills and Sabres for that matter, resume their rightful place in the cosmos, Western New York braces for another long dark winter.  

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Winslow, a software engineer said, “Games against good teams like the Broncos are typically over at halftime and rather than wait to the bitter end, experienced Bills fans know how to move on and get the most out of the rest of their Sunday.”

Even with the Bills leading 13-10 at halftime the jaded fans suffering through a seventeen year playoff drought drizzled out into the yard, cracked a beer, took a swim and bitched about how rookie Zay Jones couldn’t catch a cold and how Sean McDermott not only couldn’t manage a NFL clock, but he probably didn’t even know how to tell time.

Only Uncle Peter remained inside watching the game and even he became discouraged when the Broncos came out and tied the game on their first possession of the second half with a Brandon McManus field goal. But the Bills marched right down the field on the ensuing drive and regained the lead on a six yard Charles Clay touchdown pass from Tyrod Taylor.

When Uncle Peter updated everyone on the score Winslow’s wife Cyndi, called from the pool, “Give it up Peter, it’s only going to hurt worse when they blow the lead and lose,”causing everyone to laugh and nod in agreement.

But when the Broncos star linebacker Von Miller was called for taunting after a third down stop with just under eight minutes left in the game the Bills held the ball another four minutes and increased their lead 26-16 with a twenty-seven yard Stephen Hauschka field goal. With a little over three-minutes left and a ten point cushion it was hard to imagine how even the Bills could screw this up.

As everybody wearily came back into the house,  confounded by the late lead,  Winslow cynically stated exactly how the Bills would screw it up, “Three minutes huh… quick score by the Broncos, onside kick, field goal to tie at the buzzer, Bills lose in overtime.”

But that’s not how the game would play out. The Bills got another defensive stop and then took a knee to end the game.

Confused, everyone looked at each other trying to process what had just happened.

“Wow, they actually won,” said Winslow with a blank face.

“A win against a good team, what am I supposed to do with that?” Cyndi Winslow added looking into the distance.

“Yeah,” said Uncle Peter, like a Stockholm victim,  “I think we’re supposed to be happy, but for some reason I feel empty and let down.”

Standing among the group perplexed faces Winslow came up with the obvious answer, “Next week is the Falcons in Atlanta. They’re going to get crushed.”

A collective sigh of relief filled the air and a few people muttered “Bills suck.”

And, all was well again.   

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