Orlando, Florida—For the first time since the end of his presidency Donald Trump returned to the public stage at CPAC in Orlando this past weekend, to once again cry foul over the loss of the 2020 election  In addition to speeches from future presidential hopefuls, Cancun Ted Cruz and Hollow Jeff Hawley the gathering showcased a golden calf made in the image of Trump that was so tacky you could almost hear the long dead star of The Ten Commandments—Republican stalwart Charlton Heston howl: “Blasphemers! Idolaters! Insurrectionists! For this you shall drink bitter waters!”

Another sour note at the otherwise triumphant, lib owning event was among conspiracy theorists who are struggling to come up with new bullshit to scare grievance filled white people. Having mined areas that included: corrupt voting machines from Venezuela, Jewish space lasers starting forest fires and a cabal of blood thirsty left wing elites running a giant pedophile ring, the right wing conspiracy machine seems to have temporarily run out of gas.

Jeff Tway, famous for the one where Obama put chemicals in streams to make the frogs gay said, “We haven’t been feeding you the typical Area 51 or Bigfoot stole my picnic basket stuff—we’re talking major outrage here, like Hillary Clinton drinks the blood of children. We play for keeps, but going so big and so hard has led to a bit of burnout.”   

Bryce Fingerbottom, who scored a major hit in both outraging and scaring white people with his Bill Gates microchip conspiracy explained before Trump came along they were out in the wilderness with FEMA concentration camps and Sharia law type of stories. It was good stuff, but lacking in sex appeal. Then Trump came along and changed everything.

“At first we weren’t sure about him,” Fingerbottom said. “The Obama birther stuff was kind of low hanging fruit. But when he went after Ted Cruz’s father, saying he killed JFK—wow—just wow—we knew we had our champion.”

Both Tway and Fingerbottom explained Trump ushered in the golden age of conspiracies and compared the wicked pace he set to 1994 Hootie & Blowfish—it was hit after hit after hit. From five million Muslims voted illegally to Obama wiretapping Trump Tower, to wind turbines cause cancer.

The problem now Tway explained, “Democrats seem only to be interested in boring, non-controversial governing issues like distributing the Covid vaccines, raising the minimum wage and addressing climate change. And, yes we can always find some white cancel culture grievances like is happening now with Dr. Suess. But, what we really need is goody-goody AOC to hook up with soon-to-be- divorced Kanye West or Kamala Harris to have an angry black woman moment at the expense of some down cast white woman or Sleepy Joe to really fall asleep in a public setting.  We could really start some shit if any of those things happened.

“Or maybe,” Fingerbottom said growing excited— “A cabal of gender neutral left wing radicals, who have been feeding on gay Obama frogs, drink the blood of homeless brown and black people and then go to freedom loving, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, white conservative towns with a plan to slowly inculcate the locals with San Francisco values, a love of Jane Fonda movies and the need for never-ending government assistance while Jewish hackers hovering in spaceships just above the horizon empty all the weakened patriots bank accounts.”

They didn’t have to say it, Tway and Fingerbottom just looked at each other and knew they had their mojo back.    

 By P.A. Kane  

The post Conspiracy Theorists Struggle To Find New Bullshit To Scare Grievance Filled White People appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Washington D.C.—Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC), the twenty-nine year old Democratic Socialist from New York’s 14the Congressional District is being characterized by Republicans as the left’s latest phony hero. AOC’s socialist rhetoric of single payer health care, a Green New Deal and raising marginal tax rates on wealthy Americans is being regarded by conservative opponents as the same unimaginative Socialistic twaddle that generations of Americans have unequivocally rejected. Conservatives, however, are becoming increasingly concerned over an AOC plan to tax the air we breathe.

Porcine Clementine, a Republican strategist at the “Let Them Eat Cake” think tank in Fairfax, Virginia said, “On the one hand, AOC proposes the same old socialist tropes that enslave people to mediocracy and dependence instead of inspiring them to break the chains of oppression and take control of their lives.” But, Clementine cautioned, these Socialist proposals are likely to just be cover for her more ambitious program to tax the air we breathe. Sources say AOC plans to introduce a user tax on the great, and presently free, American air we breathe based on the zip codes. Those living in affluent places like 33109: Fisher Island, Miami Beach, Florida and 94301: Palo Alto, California will pay a user fee not only because they benefited the most from the air, but because the carbon they exhale contains elements of neglected babies and puppies and bits of the underpaid, overworked employees they exploit. Americans in poorer zip codes who struggle with basic oxygen intake will be receive waivers on the fee.

Bubba Fuddnickle, the President of the John Birch Restoration Project said, “This user fee business is the same old class warfare tactic the left has used forever and you can bet that phony AOC won’t impose this fee in her New York district or Washington. He offered a counter proposal saying user fees should be means tested and based on nostril size. “If we’re going to have this fee, everybody needs to have skin in the game starting with AOC.” Pointing to AOC’s nostrils Fuddnickle asked, “Have you ever seen hers—they’re huge.” He argued because of AOC’s large nostrils she receives a disproportionate share of oxygen, whereas normal people like himself and others in places like Arkansas and Mississippi with normal sized nostrils get cheated out of air through no fault of their own. “She has all this oxygen speeding to her brain while very little of anything is making its way into ours.”   

Wadley Dustfiddle, author of The Hidden Beauty of Joe McCarthy warned his conservative brethren not to become too focused on any one AOC proposal. “She’s just throwing things against the wall and seeing if any of it sticks. She obviously is misrepresenting herself and is a total phony. I mean, did you see her doing the dance routine from the Breakfast Club? How would a Socialist dog from the Bronx even know about a movie like The Breakfast Club? And, what would she know about the pain of suburban white kids whose dad’s ignore them when they don’t succeed at sports or the smart nerdy kid who can’t get a cheerleader to look his way?” In her little Latino gulag they never think about white pain—all they think about are jobs, opportunity and having enough to eat.”

Dustfiddle also pointed out that socialist AOC has never been seen eating the sagging skins of rotten Russian potatoes—but she has been spotted at Applebees eating a real American burger and fries and didn’t even save anything for later. “It was like she knew where her next meal was coming from and maybe even had more food at home,” he said. Rumor has it she also paid off a loan on a 2008 Honda Civic entirely with real American cash. Not once did she offer to barter services with the bank or take in anyone’s laundry or darn anybody’s socks—it was all paid for with cash. In closing Dusfiddle said, “Plain and simple she’s an opportunist and a phony and is conning the American people.”

AOC responded to these allegations with one terse tweet saying: “I look forward to helping our conservative brothers and sisters get some much needed oxygen into their heads.”   

The post Phony Leftist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez To Propose User Fee On Air appeared first on buffalomud.com.