Planet Earth—In January of 2018 President Trump referred to several struggling nations as “shithole countries” during a bipartisan meeting on immigration reform with U.S. Senate members.  The events of this week, which saw Trump along with Senate enablers Ted Cruz and Josh Hawley, incite a crowd of the President’s supporters to overrun the Capitol Building has produced a swift and unambiguous response from around the world—the United States is a “shithole country.”

Through an interpreter Lu Kim, a starving North Korean miner said: “Ha ha ha . . . America suck. Our dear leader start bombing very soon. Kill stupid capitalist dogs so easily deceived by orange Satan . . . ha ha ha.” 

Taro McCarron, starter at Honiara Golf Course, Guadalcanal, Solomon Islands: “Sixteen hundred American men lost their lives here during World War II defending freedom on this island and now white, delusional followers of a conman game show host storm the Capitol. How far the mighty have fallen. The U.S, is a shithole”    

Mohulude Moete a hunter-gatherer in Botswana, Africa pointed to his ass and said the words “United States” and then held his nose as if fending off some offensive smell. He then proceeded to walk about extending his belly as if he had a big stomach while making hand gestures reminiscent of Donald Trump and said the word, “Sad.”

Mohammed Ahmed, former Egyptian political prisoner said: “In 1986, Hosni Mubarak send me to jails twenty-years for going into streets for higher pay. Little baby Americans cry over wearing mask and losing election—waaa. Fuck U.S. U.S. a Shithole.”

Samentha Rigoli a displaced Haitian spinach farmer said “Ha ha shithole America. Karma a bitch.” 

Garth Preminger a Kingston, Ontario freelance Zamboni operator said: “Yeah, me and the boys would borrow my dad’s car and go to the bars in the States on the weekend to test our mettle, eh. We especially liked going to those Irish joints in South Buffalo. Lots of action there, eh. We always thought those boys were crazy, but crazy in a good, fun kind of way eh. Not in a way that they’d support that donut eating fuck Donald Trump and his stupid fucking conspiracies. Hate to say it—and it won’t ever be as fun as it once was—but straight up , the U.S. is a shithole, eh.”

President Trump is slated to turn over the “shithole” to Joe Biden on January 20th at noon, unless he can come up with a way to keep it for himself or he blows it up.

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Boffleflot, United Kingdom – Ninth Circuit Court has agreed to hear “Tolkien v. Kane”, in which the late author’s estate has sued under the plagiary statute, stating that Kane’s latest work, Leaving Jackson Wolf borrows liberally from the epic novels of Middle-Earth.

Some of the arguments listed in the suit:

McDougal is clearly a hobbit – The new book’s opening line – “McDougal had some pituitary dysfunction bullshit that made him a little runt” – makes it clear that Kane is co-opting Tolkien’s creation of a diminutive, reluctant hero.

Prince’s Blade Gaming = Rivendell – Tolkien describes the Elvish valley of Rivendell as “the last homely house west of the Misty Mountains”, a haven of peace and refuge in a troubled world. (Scholars differ on whether Mike or Denny represents Elrond.)

Jackson’s reading habits – It has long been accepted that The Sound and the Fury was a cheap knock-off of The Lay of Aotrou and Itroun.

Trump/Sauron – The object of Wolf’s father’s devotion, Kane’s grotesque orange specter is often referenced but never actually depicted on page.

Elves/Elvis – Tolkien writes of the Elves in over-the-top, glowing prose – “They are fair of face beyond the measure of men” – yet most of Middle-Earth is privately put off by their holier-than-thou smugness. Plus, their music sucks.

Buffalo or Morder? – “Mists curled and smoked from dark and noisome pools. The air, as it seemed to them, grew harsh, and filled with a bitter reek that caught their breath and parched their mouths.”

The Authors – Tolkien was a middle-aged white man with a penchant for odd headwear and Baked Lays. Sound familiar?

Until the suit is settled, both Barnes & Noble and Sunoco will pull the hardback of Leaving Jackson Wolf from the shelves. Kane has decried the setback as an infringement on his 19th amendment rights. Judges Jeanine Pirro, Andrew Napolitano and Judy have all weighed in, stating that the case appears to be a slam-dunk for the Tolkien Estate. Miramax has snapped up the story rights; filming on the legal thriller will begin this January, with Andy Serkis portraying Kane in a CGI role.

UPDATE – Brett Kavanaugh sent out a drunken tweet daring the 9^th Circuit to send the case up to the United States Supreme Court, where he would “stand up for my man P.A. Kane like bros do.”

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Addressed to all Israelites, Leviticus is third book of the Torah and provides instruction on ritual, legal and moral practices given by God directly to Moses on Mount Sinai. The book was compiled by rabbis at the end of the Kingdom of Judah in the seventh century B.C. and had a period of growth, reaching its present form it the fifth century B.C. The Hebron letters date to this period of growth and seem to indicate these rabbinical compilers were open to being lobbied by the greater community of Canaan.

In or around 600 B.C. The Greater Fin and Scale Fishing Association of Canaan experienced a loss market share due to the rising popularity of oysters that were seasoned with peppers and lobster soaked in goat butter. To offset losses a new recipe, which included batter, breading and pan frying, was developed. The fried fin and scale fish was then served with a cabbage salad, fried potatoes and beer. This helped the fin and scale fish rebound slightly, but not enough for the Association to reach its sales goals. So Association President, Isaac Troutenberg, sent a letter to rabbi Jose ben Joezer  petitioning for relief from this scourge of shellfish. Shortly thereafter ben Joezer introduced a recommendation for a shellfish ban to the Council of Sanhedrin.  After some debate, strong arming and an exchange of sixty goats, seventeen slaves and nine virgins the Book of Leviticus came to include this edict banning shellfish in Chapter 11:

(11. 9-12)‘Of all the creatures living in the water of the seas and the streams you may eat any that have fins and scales. 10 But all creatures in the seas or streams that do not have fins and scales—whether among all the swarming things or among all the other living creatures in the water—you are to regard as unclean. 11 And since you are to regard them as unclean, you must not eat their meat; you must regard their carcasses as unclean. 12 Anything living in the water that does not have fins and scales is to be regarded as unclean by you.”

Another ethically challenged edict in Leviticus is the still hotly debated ban on homsexuality in Chapter 18: (18.22) “Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, that is an abomination.”

While Chapter 18 lays out the laws governing sexual practices, letters between three prominent rabbis in the Persian period, circa 550 B.C, caught in a love triangle successfully pushed through the ban on homosexuality.

Letters exchanged between the rabbis: Mannis Farbstein, Zaydel Grepslach and Ancel Yankelovitz, seem to indicate each man had relations and then were spurned by an itinerant metalworker named Hod Weiner. Farbstein talked about he how he loved to spoon with young man out among the sheep in the moonlight, Grepslach related how he would get light headed watching him work his fiery alchemy in tight fitting linens and Yankelovitz said the young Hod was so hot he could set a thousand bushes burning just walking through a field.

But, alas, Hod Weiner was not to be tied down, leaving a trail of broken hearts wherever he traveled and the three distressed rabbis decided if they couldn’t have the young man, then no one would and the ban was instituted.

A team of biblical scholars are currently deciphering and analyzing more of the controversial Hebron letters.

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