Though Mustang is competent in the areas of technology, organization and management her biggest asset is her ability to garner attention and create a sense of intrigue. Said Mustang, “I can go into any office, plant, school, hospital, shop or retail location and people, especially dopey white men, are going to look at me and want to please me. I’ll throw out a couple of well placed smiles and maybe accidentally touch one or two of these Elon Musk wannabes under the desk with my stilettos and presto, I can get them to do whatever I want.”

Mustang said attendance, productivity and morale will instantly improve by inserting her into any area of a business whether profitable or unprofitable. It’s not rocket science,” she said. “All I have to do is laugh at one or two of these mutant’s jokes and they’ll instantly think they have a shot at having sex with me. And if I really want to make their short hairs stand at attention, I’ll have a girlfriend drop me off in front of the office or shop and I’ll half-kiss her on the mouth goodbye. The whole place will be abuzz with this little bucking of social convention. From there it’s like shooting fish in a barrel.”

While some female co-workers object to her tactics Mustang says the smart ones watch and ask questions. Part of the message I give these women is that the system is still tilted toward men and they’re not going to cede power to you willingly, even if you’re more talented and smarter. So you have to go for their Achilles heel, which she says . . .” isn’t a heel at all—it’s a little button sized worm between their legs that controls all their functioning.”

Some see Mustang’s practices as unethical but she pushes back saying she’s not responsible for the primitive urges that drive men. “What’s unethical? I’m a nice person. I smile at my co-workers. I laugh at their jokes. It’s not my fault they haven’t evolved beyond fourteen year-old troglodytes.” 

Mustang isn’t looking for any long term employment, preferring these short-term quick hit gigs. “I have no interest in slogging through life playing this game with these sparklefish. How they have any power at all amazes me. Throw out one pouty look and these suckers will do whatever I want. Teaching a puppy to sit with a fistful of treats in hand is harder than manipulating these dipwads.” 

If you wish to contact Mustang for possible employment you can find her on various social media platforms where she may or may not get back to you.     

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Cheektowga, NY—Standing in the check in room in two loose lines waiting to clock in the delivery drivers were grateful this morning’s chatter drifted to the new dispatcher, Mike, and away from the, soul crushing, brag/whining of the Southtown drivers, who never stop boring everybody with their stories about the hours they work, the miles they drive and the dogs they evade, while making the not so subtle point that everyone else sucks.

Paul started the conversation asking, “What’s up with Mike? Everytime I call to get an address updated he gives me this big sigh and says has to change screens.”

“Yeah…right,” said Colleen, “And then it always takes forever for the screen to load because the system is slow. He sighs like ten more times while we wait.”

“If Mike answers I hang up and keep calling back till I get Jimmy or Sean,” Norberg said shaking his head.

“Isn’t like ninety percent of his job looking up addresses, why is he always on the wrong screen?” Paul asked again

Bell, one of the Southtown drivers puffed his chest and said, “In the Southtowns, we correct our own addresses. You all suck.”

Tom McCabe, the Akron driver had a theory, “I think Mike’s woozy from all the food he eats. Ever see his lunch bag, it’s like a friggin suitcase.”

“You have no idea,” Dickie Fatta, the downtown legend said  “He has a George Foreman grill in that thing and he barbecues liverwurst sandwiches.”

“You don’t have to tell me,” Mark said, a frightened look coming to his face. “I was in the stall next to him the other day and there was this explosion. No pun intended, but it literally scared the shit out of me. Made me think of Dresden, 1945.”

Dave, the Southtowns driver whose giant head makes you think of monoliths like Stonehenge and the old Daryl Hannah movie, Attack of the 50 Ft Woman bragged, “In the Southtowns, when we’re on our routes, instead of lunch we catch a fish in nearby streams with our bare hands. After a few bites we cast them aside and keep on working unlike you slacker assholes. You all suck.”

Just then Mike, the new dispatcher, entered the check in room weighed down by his suitcase /lunchbox. The room went eerily quiet. Mike sighed and asked if he could cut the line because…”the system takes a long time to load and I don’t want to affect anyone’s productivity by being on the wrong screen.”

As the time hit zero the drivers snickered to themselves while clocking in. Only the Southtown drivers remained stoic and humorless because it was real now and everyone besides them were slacker assholes.

The post New Dispatcher Sighs Alot, Never On Right Screen appeared first on buffalomud.com.