Buffalo, NY—I have always taken the BUFFO-13 Herpes Virus seriously.

Let’s just get that straight right off the bat. As it burned through the city’s bars and gyms and bridge clubs, I was at the forefront of those crying out the warning. Like a modern day Paul Revere, galloping across the internet proclaiming “The Herpes is coming! The Herpes is coming!” There I was, like a broken record: “Wash your hands. Stay six feet from people. Don’t scratch down there.” But no one listened.

So, here we are. Buffalo’s night life has gone dark, your favorite pub is shuttered, and everyone is stuck at home with (dear god) their family. To quote Todd Rundgren, “Nobody on the road; nobody on the beach.” And they say it might last until August. Time to take stock:

1 – DON’T GIVE INTO PANIC. This too will pass, like the Syracuse Syphilis outbreak of ’53 or that case of crabs my neighbor got last spring.

2 – LEARN FROM OTHERS. Georgia closed down its border with Florida.  The Chippendales have replaced their body oil with Purell. Elvis Costello has locked himself into a panic room for the next five years. These are all solid ideas.

3 – STOP HOARDING. You think I don’t need talcum powder too? Well?? Believe me I would LOVE some talcum powder right now but some jagoff bought it all and is trying to sell it by the tablespoon on Craigslist…

4 – IGNORE THE LIES. Ibuprofen will not make the burning go away. Alex Jones’ silver toothpaste is just mayonnaise with glitter. Sacrificing a goat at midnight on the spring equinox only works for chlamydia. Your brother’s Netflix password isn’t JumboJ!mMagnum99.

5 – CALL A SPADE A SPADE. I have gotten no end of grief for referring this as the BUFFO-13 Virus (or alternatively the “Itch from Orchard Park” or “Kane’s Bane”). Since when are we so against facts? This plague did not come down from those commies in Montreal. It did not cross over from the Philly Phanatic. We all know this virus came from one beret-clad golfer who gorged on spoiled crab legs after shooting a 98 at Holland Hills.

Remember folks: we’re all in this together. And it won’t last forever. So hold tight, throw on some Asia, and resist the itch.

By David P. Zach– Senior Mud Contributor and Kanye West fixer.

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