Buffalo, NY—After two-years of being overrun with Covid related illnesses, area hospitals rejoiced at the return of St Patrick’s Day parades and treating the unique maladies of Irish revelers. This past weekend hospital staff saw patients suffering from alcohol poisoning, broken jaws and a rash of men who “accidently” slipped and somehow ended up with shillelaghs lodged in their asses.

Nadine O’Hanrahan, a RN at Mercy Hospital said it was a nice change to treat people with good old alcohol poisoning as opposed to more serious illnesses. Hooking up those IV’s and cleaning up drunken fools who pissed or shit themselves after three days of Guinness and Jameson’s abuse was the most fun staff has had since Covid started two-years ago. 

“It was also really enjoyable to watch these guys come out of their stupors, look at their phones and try to piece together their weekend,” said O’Hanrahan. “Unfortunately, I did come across one inconsolable young woman who, when she did her reassembling, realized she had slept with this guy named Sean Brown—again. She cried and cried saying that she fucking hated Brownie, despite  always sleeping with him whenever she got wasted. There was just something she couldn’t resist about his crooked teeth and how proud he was to be chronically unemployed. She said the only way to stop this endless self-loathing was to get knocked up by Brownie and have his dumb fucking kid—mangled teeth and all.”

Dr. Kilgore Finnegan, a Buffalo General Emergency Room physician said he had a real jump in his step as a result of wiring up thirteen broken jaws this past weekend from the continuous post parade bar brawls. The atmosphere in the ER according to Finnegan after a couple years without the parades and Covid was light hearted and celebratory. “We had some corn beef sandwiches, Flogging Molly on the Bluetooth and all these drunken losers with black eyes and broken jaws filling the ER after a great weekend of good old Irish debauchery.” It was just tremendous to get back to doing this kind of medicine with these kinds of people.”

“Oh boy, was this a fun weekend,” said Dr. Zeena McLuren an Emergency Room physician at Mt. St. Mary’s Hospital in Niagara Falls. “We had several men come in after their game of hide the shillelagh went terribly wrong, if you know what I mean.” Dr. McLuren explained that removing an old Irish love stick stuck in a man’s ass was a first year med school stuff. But the stories of how they “accidently” got there were just great. “Two men said they tripped and fell into the shillelaghs after saying their prayers with their mother’s. Another man told me he was practicing his Ceili dance steps with friends when he slipped onto the long pronged stick.” Smiling, she went on, “He suddenly got very quiet when I asked him why he was practicing his steps in green chaps over a garter belt and lace  stockings. I love these Irish mutants.”

The Old Neighborhood Valley Parade and the traditional St. Patrick’s Day Parade returned to Buffalo this past weekend after a two year absence due to Covid concerns.  

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Buffalo, NY—In 2018, Parade Today magazine citing research conducted by the University of Buffalo’s Anthropology Department, determined the Valley Old Neighborhood Parade really wasn’t a parade. Failing to meet the metrics of a traditional parade the magazine concluded the rolicking Saint Patrick’s Day event was just a bunch of people dressed in green drinking-  watching other people dressed in green drinking on motorized floats. However, staff members from the magazine who attended the event last year have reconsidered their findings and now are recommending a new parade category be established: The Party Parade, of which, the Valley Old Neighborhood Parade is the best in the country.

Metrics such as unity, enthusiasm, lack of pretension, vomit and number of port-o-potties on the back of floats (thirteen in all) were just some of the factors the magazine took into consideration. Senior Parade Today contributor Phoeff McAnglesey said, “Pound for pound this is the best  parade in America. Short and sweet with tons of beer and the most Margaret’s and Eileen’s of any event in the country. And, should you emerge from an alleyway after a short nap in a pool of your own vomit, you’ll be greeted without recrimination or judgement. People will help clean you up and then hand you another Guinness. Where else is that going to happen? We had to create a new category for this parade.”   

Holding down a barstool at the Blackthorn, South Buffalo native Jack Conrad, who famously misplaced his ass last Saint Patrick’s Day weekend cheered the move, “This is a great day for our people and this event. The 716 will not denied.”

Conrad felt this was in the cards all along and has been preparing throughout the month for the Old Neighborhood Parade by eating nothing but boiled potatoes and practicing pick up lines he intends to lay down on Mary Nolan and Marita Morgan:

    “Hey Mary, wanna hear me sing Danny Boy?”

    “Hey Marita, wanna see the scars where they reattached my ass?”

    “Me and the Old Neighborhood Parade—this is our year,” Conrad crooned.

Boston native, Orin Dunfee makes the six-hour trek across 90W every year for the parade and had this to say: “Between the Sox, Bruins, Celts and Patriots- Boston has like forty championships. While it’s great to be a winner year after year after year, it’s not everything. Coming together to celebrate sacred traditions with friends, family and pints and pints and more pints of beer down at the Old Neighborhood Parade is what gives life meaning. This is especially true if you’ve never experienced a CHAMPIONSHIP PARADE like we do in Boston all the time—LOSERS. Still, it’s great that the Old Neighborhood Parade received this recognition. I mean, you people need something to be the best at, it might as well be a parade.”

Random patrons responded this way to the new designation by Parade Today:

Jack McFlugle of Black Rock said, “How can this be the best Party Parade in the country when I can’t ever find a single hit of crystal meth there?”

Doloris O’Brannigan of University Heights said, “Even if my boyfriend Bucky does get all shit-faced it’s better than another Saturday afternoon of playing hide the gulumki—don’t ask. Erin Go Bragh”

Nikki McDonnell from Babcock voiced surprise, “Wait, that’s a parade? I thought it was just a bunch people dressed in green drinking- watching other people dressed in green drinking on floats with port-o-potties. Who knew?”

Organizers expressed gratitude to the publishers of Parade Today magazine for honoring Old Neighborhood Parade. They also reiterated that the shitheads from the UB Anthropology Department were welcome to come share a pint and learn a lesson or two about customs and mores while relieving themselves in a port-o-potty on a moving float.  

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