Washington D.C.—This past weekend Senior Advisor to the President, Stephen Miller, the architect of the draconian Trump immigration policy, which bans Muslims and cages children showed up for a sit down on CBS’s, Face The Nation with a new crop of asbestos like hair. Despite the new look Miller remains the least fuckable man in America.

Formerly ensconced with a forehead, the size of his native, golden state, California and a sense of style derived from Newt Gingrich’s favorite outfitter: Suits To Score A Third Gold Digger (Rudy Giuliani shops here too) Miller has always received low grades in the appearance category. To improve his look he has toyed with the idea of shaving his head which has produced good results for many follicly challenged men. However when he floated the idea to his dark wizard friends of the right they instantly could see the obvious Lord Voldemort comparisons that would follow, which would not be helpful to the President.  Instead they encouraged him to try the asbestos upgrade. While there would inevitably be analogies to Nazi propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels, low information Trump supporters with no sense of history would most likely mistake him for Gollum or Gandalf from Lord of the Rings which they really don’t know shit about either.

Not only does Miller’s appearance make him unfuckable, he is not a good earner either. Means tested for Washington D.C. his $180,000 salary is modest at best and the million-dollar condo he lives in was purchased by his parents—yes, it’s another heartwarming, republican, mommy and daddy buy you a condo pull yourself up by your bootstraps story. Unfortunately, it also leads to no one ever wanting to fuck you.

And, since no one is fucking him there seems to be some question if he is even functional. There is anecdotal information that after haranguing Jake Tapper and Chuck Todd on TV, leaving their respective studios Miller seemed to achieve a modest level of arousal—a pup tent the size of a mushroom head, indicating he might not be a total loser in that area.

Personality is where Miller receives his lowest scores. He is known to have tremendous self-confidence, however it is in service of being a total asshole. First, there is the run for student government in high school on an anti-janitor plank: “Am I the only one,” he asked, “who is sick and tired of being told to pick up my trash when we have plenty of janitors who are paid to do it for us?” There is also the story of middle school classmate Jason Ishlas who Miller stopped being friends with because Ishlas is Hispanic.  And, finally to solidify his standing as a world class asshole, Miller’s BFF at Duke University was white nationalist, neo-Nazi Richard Spencer. Imagine those white sheeted raves.

Rather than pointlessly ask normal well adjusted women about the possibility of intimacy with  Miller, like-minded colleagues were queried instead. Noted puppy killer Cruella Devil was hard, NO. Audible shrieking could be heard emanating from the gravesite of Eva Braun when presented with the question of being with Miller. NRA, spokesperson, Dana Loesch thought about it for a moment, rolled her eyes and said, “I’m dark, but not that dark.” Only FOX News host Laura Ingraham found the idea of intimacy with Miller feasible. Rubbing her icy fingers together she said, “That kid’s got spunk. I’d do a little reach around, hand release with him, but that’s it. If tries to kiss me, I’m out.”

Miller takes the reigns as least fuckable man in America from his drug addled pumpkin headed mentor, Rush Limbaugh.

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I am William Wallace. I am Richard Marx. I am those kids in Red Dawn.

In short, I am the Resistance. And I am trying to save P. A. Kane from himself.

Now, to be clear, I am not talking about the hateful, nihilistic Resistance as epitomized by those sending Mr. Kane one-way tickets to Belgium. No, I am working from the inside, quietly, under cover of night, subtly nudging Mr. Kane away from his current course of narcissistic self-destruction. I am the one who reasoned against a follow-up to “South Buffalo Man’s Misplaced Ass: FOUND”. I am the one who convinced Uma not to sue. I am the one who wipes his browser history.

This kind of thing cannot be done brusquely, like a bull in a china shop, or a Lorena Bobbitt in a bedroom. Small actions that he does not notice, or planted ideas that he believes were his own: these are the tools I use to slow him down or affect his headlong rush toward the precipice. I hide his keys, but only once or twice a week. I change the tense of his verbs and the sex of his pronouns, until he swears off the Maker’s Mark. I flip one lens of his reading glasses, and throw away every other sock. I replace the Elvis Costello CDs with Wang Chung, and Dostoevsky with Doonesbury, and the cholesterol pills with Tic-Tacs.

Progress is being made. Some might say that it’s not enough, that the Kane residence and its immediate neighbors remain under the control of a madman. To them I say that Rome wasn’t built in day, and I need to keep my health insurance in case that burning sensation comes back.

Am I a hero, a savior for our times, a light shining in the darkness? Should I be lavished with praise, money and beautiful women? I’ll leave those questions to historians. As the saying goes, “History is written by the unnamed cowards trying to slow the roll of despots while still cashing a check. ” Right now I’m just a man, holding back the tide of sheer madness, whispering to Mr. Kane from the foot of his bed as he sleeps: “Help me. Help me help you.”

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, to announce he too would be willing to deny a sexual relationship with the President in lieu $200,000 payment.

It is unclear if Kane even knows Trump, but thinks his election was the biggest con ever perpetrated against the working people of America. Once the check clears however, he said he would never tell a soul that Trump likes to be called: “Big Daddy Rump Rump,” while gently having his pasty white ass kneaded like it was pizza dough.

Kane went on to say that he would withhold information about the numerous boasts Trump made regarding the suppleness of his lips and the magic he could perform with his pinky finger. He would strenuously deny Trump ever held up his petite, money grubbing hands and brag, “I can tell you this, with just my pinky I’ll make you sing like a siren. Believe me.”

He would also forever remain quiet about the time in the Oval Office when he and Trump acted out the “Indian Removal Act of 1830,” in their tighty whities. The Act led to the relocation of thousands of Native Americans from  ancestral lands to shithole parts of the South and Oklahoma. Many died along the way from exposure and starvation  on what became known as the “The Trail Of Tears.” Kane said he would remain mum about how Trump, as Andrew Jackson chased him around the Oval Office, brandishing his pinky finger, while he played the opposition role of Henry Clay. Breathlessly, Trump would huff: “Henry, Henry… c’mon let’s get together on this. Let’s march all the brown people away.”

Additionally, Kane vowed not theorize about the tough guy persona being a ruse and that deep down all Trump really wants is to be loved. Sent away to military school as a young man and later mentored by the despicable and unyielding Roy Cohn, Trump grew hard around the edges, yet secretly craved approval and love. He is loath to tell anyone Trump likes his head gently stroked while being held and told: “There, there, Big Daddy Rump Rump, you’re a good boy. And yes, your button is bigger than both Kim Jong Un’s and… and Vladimir Putin’s.” The Putin thing makes him especially happy—but you didn’t hear that from Kane.

Trump responded to these non-accusations, accusations by saying: “Kane is a total loser and is using me to sell his really boring coming of age novel set in 1979 Buffalo. He has only been able to get one women to marry him twenty-five years ago, he sends his kids to state schools and his pick up truck is a decade old. Except for that stuff about the magic of my pinky finger and the size of my button, his satire site is total fake news and he is a total loser. Believe me.”

Sources say Kane is laying low, enjoying the delights of another Buffalo winter and is hoping not to say anything, to anyone, anymore.

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Asked to comment on what motivated Trump to become involved in the competition, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said the President doesn’t have a great understanding of how government works and isn’t curious to learn how it works and as a result is always kind of in the way at the White House. “His skillset,” she explained, “is outrage and diminishing people and if we’re going to make America great again and we do mean to emphasize AGAIN, we think this venue is a great fit for him. America, in past times was a place where if you screwed up there was always a large, entitled, white man to kick you and rub your face in your failure. This was the bedrock of our society since those first slaves landed in Virginia, right through countless waves of immigrant ships arriving at Ellis Island. The price of admission to America came with a bit of your soul, your human dignity, but now with changing demographics, limp wristed liberalism and an emphasis on positive reinforcement we’ve become little creamy, ineffective snowflakes. The President means to bring the pain. The President means to make us great again.”

Between meetings Trump became very animated when reporters shouted questions about his involvement in the Spelling Bee. “This, I can tell you, the 2018 Spelling Bee will be the greatest, highest rated television event of the year. People are incredibly excited. We’re going to make ESPN a lot of money. Believe me.”

Reporters reminded the President that some kids work for years to compete at this level and the disappointment of being eliminated can be enormous. They wanted to know if he had right  temperament to host this competition.

The President responded,”Seeing my family many many people are saying that I am perhaps the greatest father ever. If you look at Don Jr. and Eric right now over in Africa trimming elephant population to sustainable levels, which, by the way, we hope to do next with medicare and social security, trim them down to sustainable levels. And if you look at Ivanka with her great fashion line, which is providing a great living for many many children… I mean workers in Asia. And if you look at that one from Marla Maples who is getting a master’s degree in something or other. And, that’s not even mentioning Jared Kushner, who learned how to comb his hair so carefully under my direction. So, really, I’m sure you’ll agree, not only am I the greatest father ever, but as the host of the number one show in television for a decade, I’ll be just fine with these kids. Believe me.”

Asked how he was going to prepare for the event the President said, “Prepare? By now I’m sure you all know nobody is better at or has more zingers than me. It’s part of my superior DNA. So, those fatty’s, those bad hombres, those girls who may be starting to bleed, they better be prepared  to pay for their mis-steps like in times past, when America was great. And, I must say, not only will Spelling Bee contestants become aware of what once made America great, the whole nation will learn that lesson as well. Believe me.”

Tweets to follow.     

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Washington, D.C.— Ahead of flying off to his resort at Mar-a-Largo, for the eighth time this year, President Trump took some time to pardon two prospective Thanksgiving turkeys aptly named, Drumstick and Wishbone at the White House. During the light hearted ceremony in the Rose Garden, Trump noted that though he has been “very active” in overturning the executive actions of his predecessor, it would not be possible to revoke President Obama’s pardons of last year’s turkeys Tater and Tot, per White House counsel. Trump’s sons Donald Jr. and Eric, both of whom were standing by with a Las Vegas taxidermist and cans of gold spray paint, were very upset and disappointed with this legal stance and could be heard muttering: “Stupid lawyers, suck.”

Trump, who seemed to be energized by this exercise of Presidential power soon would be upset too. Reports from the Gobblers Rest Exhibit at Virginia Tech, where the pardoned turkeys were to live out their days in comfort indicated that Drumstick and Wishbone, after initially preening around, making shrill, bombastic vocalizations and shitting everywhere were adjusting nicely to their new environment following the lead of Obama’s pardoned turkeys, Tater and Tot, which angered the President greatly.

During a call early Wednesday morning with Chief of Staff John Kelly, Trump expressed his anger at the ingratitude of both Drumstick and Wishbone for deferring to Obama’s turkeys. At the job some three months now Kelly has learned to let Trump rant a bit rather than to reason with him. Kelly calmly agreed with the with the Page Six President that yes, Drumstick and Wishbone were bigger and better than Tater and Tot and yes, it was disgusting that after pardoning Drumstick and Wishbone, they demurred to Tater and Tot and yes, Kelly said he would look into finding a legal way to overturn Obama’s pardons of Tater and Tot. The always quick on his feet Kelly, even had an answer when Trump asked why Obama’s turkeys were all white, saying they would darken as they aged.

Tweets to follow.      

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