Buffalo, NY—The Buffalo Bills 2-0 start to the 2019 NFL season has long suffering fans of the team absolutely giddy. The radio airwaves in Buffalo and around the nation have been filled with  fans making bold predictions of what the quick start means for the young season. However, these views tend to be totally devoid of reason and fail to take into account the team’s history of futility. A snapshot of that history includes playoff appearances throughout the 1990’s with four consecutive Super Bowl losses. Since 2000, the middling Bills have backed into the playoffs just once, and promptly lost a first round match up to Blake Bortles and the Jacksonville Jaguars. Yes, that Blake Bortles. 

Nevertheless, a caller with the handle: “Fred Smerlas’ Chest Hair,” dialed into the WGR morning show and instead of discussing week three’s opponent — the Cincinnati Bengals, he went right to the Patriots and how when they come to Buffalo in week four with each team at 3-0, both Bill Belichick and Tom Brady are going to be quaking in their frilly little tutus. Even though schoolboy co-anchor Jeremy White was looking past the Bengals’ moments earlier, he told “Fred Smerlas’ Chest Hair” to pump the breaks on the tutu talk and not to count the Patriots out just yet. But, “Smerlas’ Chest Hair,” went off on it being Josh Allen’s time and how there wasn’t a  defense in the NFL that could contain him or the Bills offense. He then started to yell out the chorus to “Allentown”: “WELL, WE’RE LIVING HERE IN ALLENTOWN . . . LIVING HERE IN ALLENTOWN . . . HERE IN ALLENTOWN WE’RE GOING TO THE FUCKING SUPERBOWL,” and he ended the call by what sounded like a table being smashed.

Later in the day, “Rob Johnsons’ Fourth Concussion,” called into the SiriusXM show “Movin The Chains, on the NFL Network and made the slow methodical point that a healthy Trent Murphy, a fired up Jerry Hughes, a hungry Ed Oliver and a resurgent Shaq Lawson would systematically dismantle Tom Brady’s pretty head in week four. Host Pat Kirwin asked if he wasn’t getting ahead of himself in dismissing the Bengals and “Johnson’s Concussion” responded that Kirwin’s forty years of NFL experience failed to take into account what his divining stones and crystals were making perfectly clear to him—the Patriots are a 6-10 team and the Bills are ascendent. “Johnson’s Concussion” then took like what sounded like a long bong hit and slowly and methodically said, “Hi Pat, first time, long time. Hey, a healthy Trent Murphy, a fired up Jerry Hughes, a hungry Ed Oliver . . . “

Large headed elder Bills statesman Captain Dave and his longtime girlfriend Miss Kitty interrupted Mike Schopp’s never-ending, narcissistic soliloquy on the afternoon WGR show to remind  fans that the Bengals played a great week one game and though they were embarrassed last Sunday, we should NOT overlook them. It was then Miss Kitty snapped up the phone from her man and started running her Patriot’s smack: “You’ve been stealing my Hammer’s lunch money since the Clinton Administration, but I think come week four I’ll be having a double peanut butter and banana sandwich with crunchy peanut butter—dentures be damned, motherfucker. Go Bills!!!”

The Bills are 7-3 vs the Bengals since 2000 and 3-29 vs the Patriots in the Belichick-Brady era. 

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Buffalo, NY—A civil lawsuit has been filed in Buffalo City Court against the owners of Calvin’s Bakery in North Park, by Mikey O’Connell of University Heights.

At the center of the dispute is a life-size Tom Brady cake that Mr. O’Connell ordered in early September. He claims the bakery purposely misrepresented their goods and sold him a defective product. Calvin’s Bakery, however, holds that they fulfilled their contract as stated.

“What the hell is wrong with this city?” Mr. O’Connell demanded when reached for comment. “The first two bakeries I call say they ‘don’t serve my kind’. Then these jokers take my order – and I was way specific too – and what arrives on my doorstep? A Tom Brady cake with no pants and a tiny dingle!”

The bakery has issued this statement through their lawyers: “Mr. O’Connell requested an accurate, life-size, lemon poppy-seed cake modeled after Tom Brady. He did not state whether he wanted Mr. Brady in home jersey, away jersey, or other.”

In the lawsuit Mr. O’Connell states that the defective cake ruined his September 7th NFL Kickoff party. “We had grandparents there. Little kids. My jagoff brother-in-law kept asking if it was an ice cream cake cause it looked so cold. No one could focus on the game. And what happens? We get whacked by the Chiefs 42-27.”

This is not the first time Calvin’s Bakery has courted controversy. In 2014 they refused service to the regional dressage team, and last year they were accused of sprinkling bacon bits on an anniversary cake for two vegans from Hamlin Park.

Mr. O’Connell is demanding $1,000 in damages and an apology, and has privately told friends that he’s considering putting the whole city in his rearview.

A decision is expected early next year.

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