First, his mom asked how work was going and he responded with the monosyllabic—”Fine.”  His dad followed up by asking if he was working on any interesting projects, if he might be getting a promotion or if he was making friends with co-workers? Again, Loafer’s replies were terse, “No. Probably not. Not really” He also said, “I went to the bar a couple of times with the guys from work, but all they want to talk about is this project, that program or this business, that CEO. It’s all so boring. The two days I go into the office everybody stresses about systems going down and how it cost the company money and all this other BS. Like I said—boring. They all stay late fixing things, but I’m out of there right at 5. They call me, ‘QQ,’ the quiet quitter, whatever that means.”

Loafer went on to tell his family there was great news on the “World of Warcraft,” front. That his character in the multiplayer online game, Endu—The Macedonian Life Stopper, has reached a level 52. And, on a routine basis he takes out the entire seventh grade class at the Roman Gabriel Middle School in Pasadena, California. The only down side according to Loafer is many times after he’s pounded a “Red Bull,” or two and is totally jacked, most of the kids have to go to bed because they have school in the morning. Except for this kid named Rocco, who goes by the handle Messer Dooom. His dad left recently and his mom is overcompensating by letting Rocco game late into the night. 

Loafer’s grandfather, Archie, asked about the Dollar General, cashier, wondering if she was working her way through school or something. The younger Loafer said he wasn’t sure but didn’t think so because she’s like forty. His sisters giggled and both his parents and grandparents had shocked looks on their faces when he announced her age. He innocently explained, “I go into that store a lot and Bonnie, the cashier, and I got to talking a bit and she asked if had any idea how to reset the password on her Hulu account. I took care of that and a couple of other things, like removing some viruses from her laptop and setting up her online banking account. And, you know, we chat about the price of Cheerios, have some microwave pizza rolls, and one thing leads to another. She says I’m not only her first college boy, but the first dude she’s been with that didn’t smoke—and that fresh breath is so weird.”

After her second Mogen David wine, Loafer’s grandma Marian, told grandson in not the gentlest of terms to . . . “get his shit together and sleep with women his own goddamn age.” Judging from the confused look on his face, Loafer didn’t know what the hell she was talking about.

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Washington, D.C.— Ahead of flying off to his resort at Mar-a-Largo, for the eighth time this year, President Trump took some time to pardon two prospective Thanksgiving turkeys aptly named, Drumstick and Wishbone at the White House. During the light hearted ceremony in the Rose Garden, Trump noted that though he has been “very active” in overturning the executive actions of his predecessor, it would not be possible to revoke President Obama’s pardons of last year’s turkeys Tater and Tot, per White House counsel. Trump’s sons Donald Jr. and Eric, both of whom were standing by with a Las Vegas taxidermist and cans of gold spray paint, were very upset and disappointed with this legal stance and could be heard muttering: “Stupid lawyers, suck.”

Trump, who seemed to be energized by this exercise of Presidential power soon would be upset too. Reports from the Gobblers Rest Exhibit at Virginia Tech, where the pardoned turkeys were to live out their days in comfort indicated that Drumstick and Wishbone, after initially preening around, making shrill, bombastic vocalizations and shitting everywhere were adjusting nicely to their new environment following the lead of Obama’s pardoned turkeys, Tater and Tot, which angered the President greatly.

During a call early Wednesday morning with Chief of Staff John Kelly, Trump expressed his anger at the ingratitude of both Drumstick and Wishbone for deferring to Obama’s turkeys. At the job some three months now Kelly has learned to let Trump rant a bit rather than to reason with him. Kelly calmly agreed with the with the Page Six President that yes, Drumstick and Wishbone were bigger and better than Tater and Tot and yes, it was disgusting that after pardoning Drumstick and Wishbone, they demurred to Tater and Tot and yes, Kelly said he would look into finding a legal way to overturn Obama’s pardons of Tater and Tot. The always quick on his feet Kelly, even had an answer when Trump asked why Obama’s turkeys were all white, saying they would darken as they aged.

Tweets to follow.      

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