Sargent Steven Sugarfish of the North Precinct said a detail has been assigned to look into three or ten incidents—he wasn’t quite sure of the number—allegedly committed by the geezer. Sargent Sugarfish said, “To be honest, I like that these little shitheads are afraid of this cranky fruit bomber. They don’t even run when we pull up anymore. They just stand there all entitled, sipping White Claws, like little princes and princesses, knowing that if we put them in the cruisers or arrest them, mommy and daddy will be pissed at us and sue the city.

A ”flyer of the old man with his backpack of oranges and his launcher has begun circulating in the community. The flyer reassures teens that they are welcome at the park and are treasured community members as dormant parts of their bodies blossom and become fully functional.  

Marcus, a sixteen-year-old boy who aspires to be a “Car Diver,” was hit in the stomach by the oompa loompa colored fruit. He was quite traumatized by the event. “I was in the loop by Hoyt Lake playing Pokémon Go. I was closing in on that rascally Charmander when I heard some guy yelling, ‘No teens in the park.’ Then splat, I’m doubled over with a softball-size Sunkist. It’s so disappointing because I recently got my mom’s Prius up to thirty-five going through the S curves on Delaware, and could see my Uber career fully crystallizing, but now I don’t know…I just don’t know.”  

Another victim whose shield was down and suffered a direct hit in the upper left arm is fifteen-year-old Dawn, who wants to be a “Website Creator” when she grows up. The attack left Dawn very angry. “I was sitting on a bench in the Rose Garden off Lincoln Parkway waiting for my friend Donny, who wants to be a website creator too. I had been crushing on Donny for weeks, and I was hoping that after some website creator talk we would slip off into the bushes and mess around with those dormant parts of our bodies that had blossomed and were now fully functional. But, no, this blue-haired lunatic smashes me in the arm with a fucking watermelon or whatever just as Donny shows up. My arm is all gross, and Donny has this horrified look on his face like I would be the last girl on earth with dormant body parts that had blossomed and were fully functional that he would ever want to mess around with.  Me and my fully functional, blossoming body are so pissed.” 

A seventeen-year-old boy named Mitch, who aspires to be a “Male Doctor,” took a direct hit in the forehead. “I was walking in the circle that surrounds the golf course reciting the Herman Munster “Bone Song,” when this Marcus Welby motherfucker—that’s how deep and serious I am about this “Male Doctor,” thing, Munster and Welby—pelts me in the forehead and I fall and bounce my skull off the pavement. Not only do I look stupid with a contusion on my frontal region frons, but I might have suffered a mild traumatic brain injury (mTBI) or perhaps even a cranial fracture. How can anybody become a “Male Doctor,” with a madman like this on the loose? At least my thumbs, which are essential to being a “Male Doctor,” didn’t sustain any injuries.”

Sargent Sugarfish, wiping the icy goodness of a cruller from his lips, said he will keep the public updated as events continue to unfold.   

The post Old Man With Device That Shoots Oranges Terrorizing Teens At Park appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Buffalo, NY—Officials at Erie County Medical Center announced today two Kaisertown teens involved in a dry humping accident are missing from the hospital’s burn unit. The teens were rushed to the hospital earlier this week with second and third degree burns after they spontaneously combusted while dry humping in corduroy pants. Hospital officials said they slipped out during a shift change and are likely together pursuing more dangerous dry humping-corduroy behaviors.

Hospital staff treating the teens noted they were desperate to be with each other and on several occasions during their three day stay in the burn unit were found in bed together writhing in excruciating pain and euphoria. Veteran Burn Specialist, Moxie Redglow said, “I’ve never seen anything quite like it. I found them in bed together in the throes of ecstacy peeling away each other’s charred skin. It was quite disturbing.”  

News of the dry humping accident spread quickly through social media and both Mercy Hospital and Buffalo General have admitted teens with suspected dry humping-corduroy burns in the past several days.

Western New York retailers and Amazon have noted an uptick in sales of corduroy products since news of the injured teens came to light.  

Some parents are calling for a ban on the material that can produce flames when two hormonally deranged teens apply the appropriate friction. Other parents are asking their teens avoid this dangerous practice by just having plain old sex. The parents of two Kenmore teens missing since yesterday—after they scooped up the Prime packages on their front porches—have pleaded on social media that their missing kids just give each other handies and blowies and intercourse if they must, so long as they don’t engage in the dangerous dry humping behavior.

While area leaders and school districts are scrambling to formulate a response to these dangerous behaviors the Catholic Diocese of Buffalo had a different response. In a statement released to the press the Diocese said:

To be sanctioned by God, all forms of sexual relations are to occur between man and woman bound together in marriage and primarily for purposes procreation. To engage in sexual relations outside these parameters is a sin of great magnitude. Therefore, the Diocese  finds the burnt, charred skin of these sinful dry humping little rat bastards to be an appropriate consequence for their horrific actions and a prelude to the afterlife. Furthermore, all school uniforms throughout the Diocese will henceforth be constructed of one-hundred percent corduroy as a fiery reminder of what a awaits all these miserable little bastards who persist in unholy dry humping behaviors.

Area leaders said the response of the church was not helpful as they try get a handle on this growing crisis.                   

The post Teens Involved In Dangerous Dry Humping Behaviors Missing appeared first on buffalomud.com.