Buffalo, NY—Researchers from the University of Buffalo’s Anthropology Department have recently published a paper in Parade Today magazine arguing the Valley’s “Old Neighborhood,” St. Patrick’s Day Parade, isn’t really a parade.

Citing sixteen metrics used to determine a parade’s viability such as, embedded traditions, costs, diversity of floats, safety and accessibility and weather conditions- researchers found the “Old Neighborhood” event failed to achieve criteria that would give it standing as a traditional parade.

Lead author, Martin O’Shaughnessy said when you get right down to it, the “Old Neighborhood” event is just a bunch of people dressed in green standing curbside drinking, watching other people dressed in green walking or riding by drinking. So, very simply, it’s people in green watching each other drink.”

Members of the community were asked to react to the study’s findings:

Tommy Barnes, shook his head and said, “Eggheads ruin everything. I don’t care what those assholes think—Me, Dunfee and Louie are going to get some Bud Lights in green cans and get shit-faced.”

Mary Pat McNamara was a bit more circumspect. “Without scientific studies and peer reviewed research the foundations of life and society would be greatly impacted in a negative way. And though I respect the hard work and scholarship of this study I believe it should take its place alongside numerous other studies and be filed in the ‘I don’t give a shit’ cabinet and never be talked about again. Thank you.”

Matthew Jingra Jr. thought about it for a moment and said, “Yeah, that’s exactly what it is and it’s fucking great.”
Jay Crawley agreed saying, “Call it whatever you want… day drinking is the bomb.”
(The old friends then smashed their cans of  Creem Ales together and and started to yell dumb shit like: “Whoo Hoo, Seneca Street Forever, Parrrrrty! Irish! Erin Go Fucking Brah!”)

Cathy McGarrity said, “It’s a day to think about tradition and heritage. To remember those who gave so much to us and above all to be grateful for our blessings.” Becoming teary eyed, she then began to solemnly sing Danny Boy:            

                                                               Oh, Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are on the phone calling
                                                               From sea to shining sea , and down the mountain side
                                                               The summer’s gone, and it’s too late for Axl Roses to cut the grass
                                                                It’s you, it’s you for whom the dude must abide…

“You know how it goes,” she said and then shot gunned a beer.

Organizers from the Valley Community center were also unmoved by the study’s findings. They released a statement saying they remained committed to providing services to all members of the Valley community and to sponsoring the premier Buffalo, St. Patrick’s Day Parade and the shithead authors of this study at UB were welcome join in parade festivities—and kiss their Irish asses as well.   

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