The spot was alongside Betty Bisector, who sometimes was Trapizoid’s mixed doubles partner. There were whispers among league members that during Pepper’s rehab, Trapizoid and Bisector worked a little too much on their Dinks and Nasty Nelsons together. Pepper was aware of these whispers, but with her new friend Penny and her long-time pickleball partner, Paulina Parallelogram, she seemed to float above all the talk and innuendo. In fact, it was Pepper, Penny, and Paulina who really stirred the league scandal pot.  

The three women became inseparable. Pepper and Paulina would show up to Penny’s matches and offer support in the form of high fives, kisses on the cheek and the occasional tap on the butt. Penny would do the same for Pepper and Paulina. 

It all came to a head after Pepper and Paulina defeated Penny and Betty to take first place. The three women stood at the net, congratulating each other with kisses on the mouth and staring into each other’s eyes with deep, penetrating looks. As outrageous as that was to onlookers, the three women seemed not to notice and were nowhere to be found for the next forty-eight hours.

“It’s disgraceful,” Betty screeched, lying next to Trapizoid, waiting for the little blue pill to kick in so he could dink her. All along Clinton Street—at Hectors Hardware, Kent’s Leader Drugs, and Wiechec’s, members of the community and the pickleball league spoke in hushed tones with red faces. These conversations also seemed to be laced with a bit of smoldering homosexual curiosity and envy, as well.              

That Sunday, St. Casmir Pastor, Pasquale Polygonski, felt the need to address the issue. Accompanied by a bunch of nodding heads, he spoke in fire and brimstone tones, quoting Leviticus 18-22— “You shall not lie with a male such as a woman; such a thing is an abomination.” 

When mass concluded, he confronted the three women, and after listening to further condemnations from him, they surrounded him and pressed their bodies against his. Pepper whispered in his ear, “We’re just friends—good friends. Want to be friends with us? We need a man to help us with our bangers, backhands, and body shots.”

Since the encounter, receipts from Sunday’s collection have gone missing, the rectory liquor cabinet was emptied, and no one has been able to locate Pastor Polygonski for three days.  

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West Seneca, NY—Scrolling through Netflix local author P.A. Kane (The Last Playlist: A Sonic Epitaph) is almost always frustrated trying to find something to watch. He can’t believe the unimaginative, over the top shlock of shows like “Schitt’s Creek.” He’s confused by the popularity of folksy, unfunny and baby talking comedian Sebastian Maniscalco. And he wonders why the world needs another played out, cliched dad show—“Stop Embarrassing Me Dad,” starring Jamie Foxx—doesn’t Foxx owe Hollywood hundreds of millions in flops since “Ray?” 

And it’s the same with the other streaming services and regular TV, which are a vast wasteland of overly woke dramas, banal cop shows, bad singing, talent and home improvement shows and worst of all—baking shows. These baking shows never tell you about the hours you’ll spend trying to find the organic vanilla extract or the imported Brazilian flour. And they certainly never pan to the mountain of dishes it takes to create cutesy cupcakes. 

Kane, the 1.5 millionth ranked Amazon author, thought to address this issue by not only creating fresh new content, but a fresh new protagonist modeled after himself. The show, which he pitched to both Netflix and Hulu, would be called “Oh Boy, That Sucks,” and will be set mostly in libraries, coffee shops and his home office. It’ll feature Kane in his trademark black beret and half-turtleneck looking over the work of frustrated authors—pointing out their weak story lines, awkward phrasing, dangling modifiers and other aspects of their sucky writing. But this would all just be subtext to the client resolving the real issue—the blockage in their heads. 

An annoyed Kane would disparage their shitty work habits. He’d make fun of their self-analysis that always leads back to a father figure who either loved them too much or too little. And, he’ll take great pleasure in dismissing their overwrought self importance. But most of all he’ll get these asshole writers to understand that blockage wasn’t an obstacle to overcome, but rather something to explore and contemplate.

He’ll lead the romance writer to consummation, but along the way make them understand seduction is the most interesting part of a steamy novel; he’ll make the adventure writer see that exalting at the summit was far less entertaining than exposing the hardships on the way up the mountain; he’ll show the sports writer that it isn’t the ball going over the fence, in the net or breaking the plane that inspired readers, but the struggle to get there. And to the writer doing a detective series with a sexy female protagonist—well, he’ll run them out of his office and tell them to get a fucking life. The world didn’t need a whiskey swilling detective named Ashly Stone, who was a man in every way except for the pumps and a curvy ass.

Bit by bit he’ll break down the congestion clogging their thick heads and set them back on a path to being productive writers. In the series Kane will only accept monetary compensation for his efforts. Any over the top praise will be met with extreme eye-rolls and pithy put-downs. Endless offers to sleep with him will be politely declined. And, in true writer fashion each episode will end with Kane in front of his blank computer screen in a state of utter despair and self-loathing. 

Emails regarding the project are expected in the near future from both Netflix and Hulu. 

By P.A.Kane

The post Local Author To Model New Protagonist After Himself appeared first on buffalomud.com.