Amherst, New York—Andrea Ogletree, a twenty-five year old graduate student at the University of Buffalo recently started dating again after ending a long term relationship with her boyfriend Andre. The couple broke up partially because Andre always seemed to have this weird garlic scent about him and partially because he would never shut up the Bills or Josh Allen. The newly available MBA student didn’t quite know what to expect of dating during Covid 19, but was very disappointed to find that everyone she met was also obsessed with Josh Allen.

A nominal football fan growing up, Ogletree said her family, especially her dad, was always excited for the start of the season, but would soon give up on the year as playoff hopes faded. “They sucked for a really long time and I remember my dad losing his shit every year and vowing to never watch again.” But now, as the Bills have made the playoffs the last two of three years everybody is abuzz, including her dad, with the team and Josh Allen.

Ogletree understands the excitement because of the long playoff drought and because there’s not much to do around here, but said, “Still, this Josh Allen stuff is messed up.”

She went on to explain that her first date was a social distanced cup of coffee with a cute assistant manager at her local Delta Sonic. It went pretty well so they both decided to get tested for Covid and then went on a real date, which turned out to be a disaster. “Early on I made it pretty clear that I would be up for a little somethin, somethin,” Ogletree said. “But all he wanted to talk about was why Allen was a better pick than Baker Mayfield, Sam Darnold and that chump Josh Rosen. And how, because he was 6’5” 240lbs he was most likely to be more durable than the Ravens star quarterback, Lamar Jackson, who’s 6’2” 212lbs. Safe to say—the offer for somethin, somethin was rescinded.”  

With this failure Ogletree thought she would go nerdy and made a play for the teaching assistant from her economics class. She had coffee with him at the kiosk outside of their class the day after the 27-17 win  over the Jets. But the nerdy econ TA , after a brief exchange of demographic information, also devolved into talking about Josh Allen’s improved footwork and decision making and the fact that he hit seventy-two fucking percent of his passes.

She sat for a moment sipping her coffee after dismissing her latest Josh Allen obsessed dud, when the cute kiosk girl, who was wiping down tables said, “Bad date?” She responded with the universal, “you have no idea,” eye roll, which all women implicitly understand and the cute kiosk girl smiled at her. This prompted Ogletree to think, maybe the way to escape this Josh Allen thing was to be with a girl. She was always curious and the kiosk girl seemed to give her a flirty smile. So, Ogletree smiled back and asked her name. And, the cute kiosk girl responded, “My name is Cory. Did you see the game yesterday? Wasn’t Josh Allen great?”

This prompted an explosion from Ogletree, “Isn’t there anyone in goddamn Western New York who wants to talk about Trump, the wild fires and the possibly of the world fucking ending instead of Josh fucking Allen?”

She then stormed away.

The Bills and Josh Allen, play the Dolphins this Sunday at 1pm in Miami.  

The post Local Woman Wants To Date Someone Not Obsessed With Josh Allen appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Cheektowaga NY—This past weekend the air at Prior Aviation was ripe with the scent of Hai Karate and the parking lot jammed with a vast array of Camaros, F150s and Monte Carlos awaiting the arrival of Dee Dee Bonner, the mom of recently signed Bills quarterback, AJ McCarron.

A survey of the assembled crowd revealed an excessive amount of tattoos, pinky rings and backwards turned Bills caps, along with an appalling lack of teeth and any social redeeming qualities.

Standing next to his ‘78 Monte Carlo, Niagara Falls native Kevin Sheehey said he had been a Bills fan all his life and was here not only to welcome Ms.Bonner to Western New York, but to offer her his assistance in getting to know the area. “I’m in the Local up in the Falls,” Sheehey said with a wink. “It would be a honor and a pleasure to show Ms. Bonner around the town, maybe do an after hours tour of the wax museum and then get a bite to eat. I have a standing reservation at the Olive Garden on the Blvd.”

Wanting to let Ms. Bonner know what she could expect from a Bills tailgate, members of the Bills Mafia were out in full force drinking Bud Lights, doing Fireball shots and of course, breaking tables. Using a ladder, South Buffalo native Callahan O’Malley skillfully climbed atop a 40ft. Box Truck and swan dived into a burning table littered with broken glass and gravel. Though breaking several bones and probably suffering a concussion, O’Malley, nevertheless, got to his feet, did a Fireball and with his remaining strength yelled, “LET’S GO BUFFALO, LET’S GO BUFFALO to the delight of his fellow Mafia colleagues and then collapsed and had to be carted away by Rural Metro Ambulance.

Former Bills Hall of Fame coach Marv Levy made a brief appearance and led the crowd in the fight song he penned in 1994:

                                                                                     Go Bills, for we are here to cheer you

                                                                                    Go Bills, we are your fans so true

                                                                                    With victory in sight

                                                                                   We’ll yell with all our might

                                                                                   So, go Bills, fight Bills, go….

Ms. Bonner was quite overwhelmed with the welcome and in a shaky, scared voice said she had never seen such an outpouring, even at Alabama where her son led the Crimson Tide to two National Championships. She thanked the assembled crowd and said she was anticipating  a great year for the Bills. Waving goodbye,  as she quickly made it to a waiting car, she added it was going to be good to get some rest at her hotel… in a locked closet… with a gun.

AJ McCarron is expected to be the Bills starting quarterback for the 2018-19 NFL season.   

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