Buffalo, NY—To raise his political profile for an expected run at the NY27 congressional seat in 2020, Erie County Comptroller, Stefan Mychajliw (Mychajliw– pronounced: Opportunitstfuckingasshole) is using county’s Whistleblower Hotline to expose and report undocumented immigrants seeking driver’s licenses to ICE officials. Known for his fiery rhetoric and strong stances on divisive issues, Mychajliw, was unmoved by arguments that the Comptroller’s Hotline, which was set up to report waste and abuse of county resources, was, in fact, an abuse of county resources when used for purposes of reporting the names of immigrants to ICE. 

“Whatever, libtards, ” Mychajliw said. “People hate immigrants and I’m going to stoke that hatred all the way to congress in 2020.”

But the plan quickly went awry when an influx of calls to the Hotline started to report that Howard Stern’s Penis was trying to obtain a license at various DMV locations throughout the county. According to the calls the Penis was in line this past Saturday morning at the George Urban location in Depew. The Penis tried to file papers at the ECC South location the following Monday just before the office closed. The Penis was seen Wednesday afternoon sipping a Tim Hortons double double the Tonawanda location. At the Grand Island office on Baseline Road the Penis was seen arguing with a man in the parking lot.

There also were reports that Howard Stern’s Penis was seen sunning itself at Gallagher Beach and at the Abbott Road Dairy Queen, where it enjoyed a root beer float. Later, it was spotted in the bleachers at Front Park watching soccer games. In all there were two-hundred-forty-one calls to the Hotline regarding Howard Stern’s Penis. 

 Mychajliw quickly took to Twitter to report the Hotline was working as planned and that paperwork regarding Howard Stern’s Penis had been turned over to ICE officials. Another tweet quickly followed saying that citizenship for Howard Stern’s Penis had been established and to please refrain from calling the Hotline regarding said Penis. Then, in an apparent moment of confusion  Mychajliw asked, “Why would a Penis need a driver’s license?” 

Those tweets were taken down almost immediately and replaced with an image of Mychajliw pointing an accusing finger at County Executive, Mark Poloncarz, calling him an extremist liberal enemy of the people.  

Calls regarding Howard Stern’s Penis have diminished, but the Hotline is now receiving inquiries about an interloper going by the name of Baba Booey.      

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Washington D.C.—This week an unhinged President Trump accepted the resignation of chief confidant Hope Hicks, referred to Attorney General, Jeff Sessions as DISGRACEFUL, embraced many of the left’s positions on gun safety, recklessly imposed new tariffs on steel and aluminum and considered further staff changes at John Kelly’s Chief of Staff position and in advisory roles son-in law,  Jared Kushner  and daughter Ivanka play. positions. Amid this chaos, Buffalo Mud has obtained White House phone logs which reveal a deluge of inquiries made by staffers for lifeboat options and services as Trump and his administration blunders toward an irrevocable and titanic crash.

Chief of Staff, General John Kelly, former commander of the United States Southern Command made calls to his former colleagues at the Marine Corps and secured a fully equipped special operations craft: the Riverine. Docked on the Potomac. the gun boat features: 2x GAU-17 miniguns; 1x M2HB .50 caliber machine gun; 2x M240B 7.62 mm light machine guns; 2x 40 mm Mk 19 grenade launchers because when this thing crashes Kelly is betting it ain’t going to be pretty.  

Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump mapping out life after the White House, provided they are spared Mueller indictments, leveraged the largely unoccupied property at 666 Fifth Avenue and received another $500 million loan  from Deutsche Bank to purchase the Costa Concordia cruise liner which sank after hitting a rock outside of Tuscany in 2012. The hole has been patched and the ship is currently receiving Trump style gold plating and will be called the USS Ivanka. A spokesman for Kushner said stateroom sales are not where they need to be, but they are hoping for a boost with the announcement that Ivanka is set to host numerous yoga classes and Willie Robertson of Duck Dynasty fame, will hold seminars on how to tie a headband, beard growing and how to profit from bullshit Christian values you don’t really believe or follow.   

Secretary of HUD, Ben Carson after already cutting programs that help low income and poor people announced further agency cuts as he searches for a lifeboat that can accomodate the $31K dining table he bought for his office at taxpayer expense. A spokesman for Carson said, “We invested in this asset and the Secretary thinks it would be unwise to dispense with it, since it makes him look powerful while still being quite comfortable.

Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders contacted Noah’s Ark builders as she will need a large, impenetrable ship as the fall out from the endless bullshit she spouted on behalf of the President is likely to come careening back at her and her family. She also needs space for said family, pets which include: four dogs, seven goats, three cows and a service falcon named Bucky, which she holds at night when she feels lonely. Huckabee Sanders will also need space to house what is said to be the largest collection of Rascal Flatts memorabilia in the United States.

As expected Counselor to the President, Kellyanne Conway made no inquiries as her soul was purchased and dispensed with long ago. Conway will go down with the ship.          

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Asked to comment on what motivated Trump to become involved in the competition, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said the President doesn’t have a great understanding of how government works and isn’t curious to learn how it works and as a result is always kind of in the way at the White House. “His skillset,” she explained, “is outrage and diminishing people and if we’re going to make America great again and we do mean to emphasize AGAIN, we think this venue is a great fit for him. America, in past times was a place where if you screwed up there was always a large, entitled, white man to kick you and rub your face in your failure. This was the bedrock of our society since those first slaves landed in Virginia, right through countless waves of immigrant ships arriving at Ellis Island. The price of admission to America came with a bit of your soul, your human dignity, but now with changing demographics, limp wristed liberalism and an emphasis on positive reinforcement we’ve become little creamy, ineffective snowflakes. The President means to bring the pain. The President means to make us great again.”

Between meetings Trump became very animated when reporters shouted questions about his involvement in the Spelling Bee. “This, I can tell you, the 2018 Spelling Bee will be the greatest, highest rated television event of the year. People are incredibly excited. We’re going to make ESPN a lot of money. Believe me.”

Reporters reminded the President that some kids work for years to compete at this level and the disappointment of being eliminated can be enormous. They wanted to know if he had right  temperament to host this competition.

The President responded,”Seeing my family many many people are saying that I am perhaps the greatest father ever. If you look at Don Jr. and Eric right now over in Africa trimming elephant population to sustainable levels, which, by the way, we hope to do next with medicare and social security, trim them down to sustainable levels. And if you look at Ivanka with her great fashion line, which is providing a great living for many many children… I mean workers in Asia. And if you look at that one from Marla Maples who is getting a master’s degree in something or other. And, that’s not even mentioning Jared Kushner, who learned how to comb his hair so carefully under my direction. So, really, I’m sure you’ll agree, not only am I the greatest father ever, but as the host of the number one show in television for a decade, I’ll be just fine with these kids. Believe me.”

Asked how he was going to prepare for the event the President said, “Prepare? By now I’m sure you all know nobody is better at or has more zingers than me. It’s part of my superior DNA. So, those fatty’s, those bad hombres, those girls who may be starting to bleed, they better be prepared  to pay for their mis-steps like in times past, when America was great. And, I must say, not only will Spelling Bee contestants become aware of what once made America great, the whole nation will learn that lesson as well. Believe me.”

Tweets to follow.     

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Buffalo, NY—Sitting on their usual happy hour stools this past Friday afternoon at the Cobblestone on South Park Avenue watching Fox News, Kitty Litorus and her  husband Mike, confused thirty-one year old Trump Senior Advisor, Stephen Miller with rock legend Steve Miller.

“When did Steve Miller get into politics?” Kitty asked Mike, sipping her Fireball rocks.

“I don’t know,” Mike said, “but he looks like shit.”

“Yeah, time has not been kind to him.”

“We heard him on Howard Stern, remember? He went off on the Rock-n-Roll Hall of Fame. It must have been after that.”

“Oh, yeah,” Kitty said

Listening intently, the couple liked what they heard from Miller about the Trump’s administration’s plan to overhaul immigration. Pushing back on the proposed plan, CNN’s Jim Acosta, asked if the English only requirement in the new policy didn’t intend to engineer the racial and ethnic flow into the country prompting Miller to unload on Acosta saying, this presumption revealed his “cosmopolitan bias.”(*note* cosmopolitan was a word to denote Jews and elites in Nazi, Germany and Soviet, Russia*)

Keeping his cool Acosta followed up with a question about changing what it means to be an immigrant referencing the “huddled masses yearning to breathe free” poem embedded in the Statue of Liberty. Miller responded that the poem was meaningless since it was added after the statue was erected.

The Litorus’s reveled in the take down of both Acosta and his “cosmopolitan bias.” They also loved  Miller’s authoritarian tone, which enabled them to look past the utter stupidity of his statement about the poem being meaningless since it was added after the statue was erected.

“Mike, he reminds of the way your dad used to yell at you. Remember, do as I say, not as I do?”

“Yeah,” Mike said, “I just pissed myself a little hearing Miller.”

“Boy, he sure has come a long way since being a joker, a smoker and a midnight toker, but I like it,” Kitty said with a smile

“I’ll say,” Mike said also smiling, “We should check to see if he’s still does shows.”

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