The primary reason for all the stupidity is that nobody really knows what Dyngus Day is about, other than drinking.

“Yeah,” said Kolwaski, “no one can decide if they’re celebrating the end of Lent, Prince Mieszko, or if it’s just about getting laid. Usually, people end up arguing. They call out each other’s mothers’ pierogies and threaten to shove pussy willows where the sun doesn’t shine—and not in a loving, freaky way.”

The most reasonable revelers Kowalski said, are those who have observed a restrictive Lenten practice. One of those revelers is Karol Kaminski, an Actuary for the City of Buffalo. 

“Since the first of the year, my bowl has been filled with a $109 million budget hole, and for the last forty days, my dinner bowl has been filled with gulumki soup. You know what the main ingredient in gulumki soup is? Cabbage—I’ve been eating cabbage fucking soup for forty days. So yes, I’ve earned my Krupnik, sausages, and paczki. And, I’m going to sit here and get shitfaced, listening to the dulcet sounds of “Who Stole the Keeshka?,” and “Too Fat Polka.”

The focus of arguments usually revolve around Prince Mieszko. As a Duke, he unified Poland into a single state during his reign from 960 to 992. He also taught the Polish people not to stand in a circle when stoning someone to death (very handy with the invention of firearms in the 14th century), and not to go home to get a ladder when the bartender says drinks are on the house. He also instructed people about language. That, Odwracać kota ogonem (“To turn the cat around by its tail”) is an expression about distorting facts, not an invitation to spin a cat around by its tail because Zbigniew got caught wearing his wife’s undergarments that somehow ended up in his kufer (chest).   

“It is generally accepted that those who want to make the day about Mieszko are the most argumentative and the biggest assholes,” said Kowalski. 

The last thing Dyngus Day might be about is love, or at least getting laid. Integral to the celebration is the handing out of pussy willows to people for whom you have amorous feelings. 

Kowalski explained, “By the end of the day these Polish dudes, thick with Krupnik and Tyski, are incapable of expressing a coherent thought, and stupidly try to make the sale by whipping out their kielbasas. Often they’ll ask the ladies to touch, taste, or give them a little tug. It’s ridiculous because everybody knows a kielbasa has some length and girth, and these losers are packing all of two inches. So to save them the embarrassment of using words or exposing themselves, some genius dumbed it down to the pussy willows for these idiots.” 

As trying as the day can be, Kowalski still loves the celebration and the stupidity of it all. She’s just glad she’s not Irish, because stupidity is a month-long thing with them.     

The post Sloan Bartender Expecting Plenty Of Stupidity From Dyngus Day Revelers appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Buffalo, NY— You’ve heard it for four years: “How could the Poles have been  so wrong?”  “I thought the Poles were scientific and reliable?” “I’ll never trust the Poles again!”

2016 made a lot of people feel betrayed by the Poles. Some of us swore to never even look at a Pole again. But is that an overreaction? To figure that out, I needed to interview some of the REAL blue-collar folk who have their fingers on the pulse of this election. I put on my investigative hat and went out to Broadway-Filmore where I hoped to get some hard facts about local poles.

You can watch the full piece tonight at 11, but here are a few highlights:

Bogdan Kowalski – “The Poles were NOT wrong in 2016; people just didn’t know how to read them. Poles can be tricky to understand. In fact sixty percent of Poles have a significant margin of error. Last night I thought my wife was showing approval for some late night sausage tucking. She was not.”

Adam Wójcik – “There are a lot of fake Poles out there. You know, Poles that just say whatever the lamestream media wants them to say. It’s not always easy to spot an authentic Pole. Unless you see them in the shower, if you catch my drift.”

Len Kasprzak – “It’s these kids nowadays, they never say what they mean. Back when I was young you could trust the Poles no matter what. If they said that middle-aged chimney sweeps were voting for Hoover, you could take that to the bank!”

Lucasz Ostrowski – “Did Lena put you up to this? You know what a cold November wind can do to a pole??”

Later in the evening I made my way to Kasper Gorski’s Gentlemens Club “Poles on Poles” to talk with the owner about how he saw 2020 playing out. “We have too many polls these days. Back when I was a child in Warsaw, they released a poll about Poles maybe twice a year. Now every three days there’s a new poll!” I glanced toward his employees and mentioned that poles could be slippery things, at which point he asked me to leave. (Out in the parking lot one of his patrons offered to show me a pole he pays a lot of attention to; while it didn’t do much to shed light on next Tuesday, it was quite impressive.)

While the Poles are admittedly all over the place, there’s two things they agreed on: (1) a minimum of 1000 Poles are needed for accuracy in any polling group, and (2) get your ass to Wisconsin.

By David P. Zach– Senior Mud Contributor

The post Buffalo Mud 2020 Election Special:THIS TIME AROUND, CAN YOU TRUST THE POLES? appeared first on buffalomud.com.