Sargent Steven Sugarfish of the North Precinct said a detail has been assigned to look into three or ten incidents—he wasn’t quite sure of the number—allegedly committed by the geezer. Sargent Sugarfish said, “To be honest, I like that these little shitheads are afraid of this cranky fruit bomber. They don’t even run when we pull up anymore. They just stand there all entitled, sipping White Claws, like little princes and princesses, knowing that if we put them in the cruisers or arrest them, mommy and daddy will be pissed at us and sue the city.

A ”flyer of the old man with his backpack of oranges and his launcher has begun circulating in the community. The flyer reassures teens that they are welcome at the park and are treasured community members as dormant parts of their bodies blossom and become fully functional.  

Marcus, a sixteen-year-old boy who aspires to be a “Car Diver,” was hit in the stomach by the oompa loompa colored fruit. He was quite traumatized by the event. “I was in the loop by Hoyt Lake playing Pokémon Go. I was closing in on that rascally Charmander when I heard some guy yelling, ‘No teens in the park.’ Then splat, I’m doubled over with a softball-size Sunkist. It’s so disappointing because I recently got my mom’s Prius up to thirty-five going through the S curves on Delaware, and could see my Uber career fully crystallizing, but now I don’t know…I just don’t know.”  

Another victim whose shield was down and suffered a direct hit in the upper left arm is fifteen-year-old Dawn, who wants to be a “Website Creator” when she grows up. The attack left Dawn very angry. “I was sitting on a bench in the Rose Garden off Lincoln Parkway waiting for my friend Donny, who wants to be a website creator too. I had been crushing on Donny for weeks, and I was hoping that after some website creator talk we would slip off into the bushes and mess around with those dormant parts of our bodies that had blossomed and were now fully functional. But, no, this blue-haired lunatic smashes me in the arm with a fucking watermelon or whatever just as Donny shows up. My arm is all gross, and Donny has this horrified look on his face like I would be the last girl on earth with dormant body parts that had blossomed and were fully functional that he would ever want to mess around with.  Me and my fully functional, blossoming body are so pissed.” 

A seventeen-year-old boy named Mitch, who aspires to be a “Male Doctor,” took a direct hit in the forehead. “I was walking in the circle that surrounds the golf course reciting the Herman Munster “Bone Song,” when this Marcus Welby motherfucker—that’s how deep and serious I am about this “Male Doctor,” thing, Munster and Welby—pelts me in the forehead and I fall and bounce my skull off the pavement. Not only do I look stupid with a contusion on my frontal region frons, but I might have suffered a mild traumatic brain injury (mTBI) or perhaps even a cranial fracture. How can anybody become a “Male Doctor,” with a madman like this on the loose? At least my thumbs, which are essential to being a “Male Doctor,” didn’t sustain any injuries.”

Sargent Sugarfish, wiping the icy goodness of a cruller from his lips, said he will keep the public updated as events continue to unfold.   

The post Old Man With Device That Shoots Oranges Terrorizing Teens At Park appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Buffalo NY—A 911 call was placed by Kaisertown resident Stan Dombrowski when his wife, Marion became unresponsive during an extended session of coitus. The couple had recently resumed their long dormant sex life with the help of modern medicine.

Mature Kaisertown Woman Stumbles Onto Secret For Mind Blowing Sex

First responders from Rural/Metro Emergency Services responding to the call at the couple’s Willet Street home, said the traumatized seventy-four woman was in a state of extreme elation with an elevated body temperature that was red-hot to the touch. Efforts to revive Mrs. Dombrowski as she drifted off moaning: “Stan the man; Stachu, my monster; Never stop Stan,” were unsuccessful.

Police were called when moments after attempts to revive Mrs. Dombrowski failed, her distraught husband seemingly admitted to first responders that he accidentally killed his wife.

Paramedic Carl Riptide who treated Mrs. Dombrowski, said that though distressed and perhaps going into a state of shock Stan Dombrowski repeated over and over again: “Oh my god, I killed Marion with my dick.” He further added, “I can’t believe it, I fucked Marion to death.”

According to statements made to the police, the Dombrowski’s were antique shopping earlier in the day when Stan became extremely agitated with the activity. Though his wife was well aware of his agitation and his overall disdain for antiquing she kept pushing and pushing him until they ended up at Wendell’s House of Bed Frames on New York-Pennsylvania border. Police said the extreme anger led Stan Dombrowski to take several extra doses of the medicine that aided his sexual functioning with the intent to kill his wife for putting him through: “ . . . a half day of this antiquing bullshit.”

Since Stan Dombrowski clearly admitted to wanting to kill his wife with sex, police felt it was a premeditated act with intent, and were compelled to refer the case to the District Attorney’s office.

No time table has been set to review the case and Dombrowski was released on his own recognizance. In the meantime, police removed all the little blue pills from his medicine cabinet and stopped his prescription at CVS.    

The post Extreme Sex Leads To Kaisertown Woman’s Death, Husband Faces Possible Charges appeared first on buffalomud.com.