Buffalo, NY—M.Purtil Plumbing Office Manager and South Buffalo resident, Jack Conrad woke up Saturday morning and found that his ass was missing. Conrad turned over his house several times, looked through his car and even went into the office, but the location of his ass remains a mystery.

“I had my ass Friday night at Jordan’s Ale House where I was indulging in some St Patrick’s Day festivities,” Conrad said. “It was kind of a mellow night—I talked some shit to the clueless Trumpers, made the case the Bills should not draft a quarterback and give Peterman a real shot and made a pass at Mary Zuecher Nolan. All in all, a run of the mill night. I did put a call into Jesse Nolan to see if he might have lifted my ass because, ya know, you make a pass at a guy’s wife for the better part of twenty years he might get pissed and steal your ass. But Jesse said he hadn’t seen and didn’t take my ass.”

Conrad went on to say he’s not sure what his next move might be, but he certainly would like to have his ass back. ‘I had a nice little onion back there, we’re not talking Nicki Minaj or anything, but I could sit on it for long periods of time without any discomfort, hold a door open with it and when I fell on it bounce right back up onto my feet.”

Conrad has put up Facebook and Twitter posts asking if anyone has seen his ass. He also is putting together flyers that he will distribute throughout the South Buffalo community and will offer a “no questions asked,” reward for the safe return of his ass.  

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